Salt and Light

The KC-Piolo split: Basic things a woman wants from her husband or boyfriend

2011-11-29T06:53:00.011+08:00

KC Concepcion admitted last week in an interview with Boy Abunda that she has broken up with Piolo Pascual. When asked why, KC said in the vernacular, “May mga hinahanap ako na napaka-basic lang na hanapin ng isang babae sa isang boyfriend, sa isang lalaki.” KC refused to reveal details about what these basic things are that a woman wants from her boyfriend. But days or weeks from now, she might feel freer to talk about these things.

Well, I believe Dr. James Dobson, John Eldredge, and Jenet Jacob (in that order) have said better than anyone else what a woman wants from the man in her life. In page 65 of his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Living Books; copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc.), Dr. Dobson says,

Women yearn to be the special sweethearts of their men, being respected and appreciated and loved with tenderness. This is why a homemaker often thinks about her husband during the day and eagerly awaits his arrival home. It explains why their wedding anniversary is more important to her, and why he gets clobbered when he forgets. It explains why she is constantly “reaching” for him when he is at home, trying to pull him out of the newspaper or television set; it explains why ‘Absence of Romantic Love in My Marriage’ ranked so high as a source of depression among women, whereas men would have rated it somewhere in the vicinity of last place. (emphasis by boldfacing supplied)

Next to Dr. Dobson, John Eldredge states in poetically insightful terms what every woman wants. In page 182 of his book “Wild At Heart, Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” (Thomas Nelson Publishers; copyright 2001), Eldredge says:

… the deep cry of a little girl’s heart is am I lovely? Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic and chosen. This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God. Will you pursue me? Do you delight in me? Will you fight for me?

Next to Dr. Dobson and Eldredge, Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, best sums up what women want. She says, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”

Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman. I remember one sermon by Ptr. Chuck Swindoll in his “Insight for Living” radio program where he mentioned that women love it when men show emotional vulnerability, some cracks in their armor.

Most women would say that their number one problem is trying to make their boyfriend or husband open up and share things with them. When it comes to this issue of emotional connection and sharing, most of the time men come out looking like they are more to be blamed than women. As the title of a David Clarke book puts it, “men are clams, women are crowbars.” Women, it seems, are perennially trying, cajoling, pleading, pressuring, nagging their men to open up and share their feelings.

Why KC and Piolo’s relationship didn’t work out: KC is an F while Piolo is a T

Let me guess why KC and Piolo’s relationship didn’t work out. I don’t know much about KC and Piolo; truth to tell, the only entertainers I liked, when they were still child stars, were Nino Muhlach and Aiza Seguerra (okay, okay, I have to add Matet to the list). But it seems that KC is an F (Feeler) while Piolo is a T (Thinker). America’s most beloved family counselor, H. Norman Wright, in his book “Communication: Key To Your Marriage” (published by Regal Books, A Division of Gospel Light) says about F’s and T’s:

One of the most typical relationships that develops is between a male T and a female F. This connection has the most potential for creating divisiveness and long-term problems. T’s need to think about and analyze their emotions. They bring to a marriage emotional control and reserve that can limit intimacy. They want to understand intimacy, not experience it, while an F wants to share openly and experience intimacy.

If a couple doesn’t learn to connect emotionally, they’re at risk for either an affair or a marriage breakup. The bonding material of a marriage is emotional intimacy. F’s hunger for warmth, sharing and closeness, and without this dimension, they can end up feeling lonely. They like the inner strength and security of a T but not the perceived emptiness.

Hmm, KC is beautiful and talented, and she is now free … Do you know her contact numbers?

A promise kept: What are words if you really don’t mean them when you say them …

2011-08-09T19:45:00.018+08:00

Summary: Robertson McQuilkin and Chris Medina are marked by great differences in age, career, educational and religious background. Robertson, in his 70’s, is a former missionary to Japan and university president. Chris, in his 20’s, is a long-haired barista, songwriter, band leader, and American Idol Season 10 contestant. Despite their differences, Robertson and Chris are marked by the same remarkable integrity of character. At great personal sacrifice, they are keeping their promise to the woman they love – Muriel for Robertson, Juliana for Chris.

Robertson and Muriel: A promise kept

Twenty one years ago, Rev. Robertson C. McQuilkin left his work as president of Columbia International University in South Carolina to take care of his wife, Muriel, who was suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. Before his work with Columbia, Robertson and Muriel served as missionaries to Japan for 12 years (1956-1968). Their story, chronicled in “A Promise Kept” by Tyndale House Publishers, has inspired countless number of people. You can read online or download the first chapter of the book.

In the video below, you can hear Robertson’s deeply-moving explanation on why he resigned as president to take care of his beloved wife. In an article by David Boehi, Robertson reflects on his life with Muriel:

“As Alzheimer’s slowly locked away one part of my Muriel, then another, every loss for her shut down a part of me. Ministry was changing, of course, from less public to more private. There was another sense of loss, however, an ache deep inside, as I watched my vivacious companion of the years slip from me.

“Even in this loss, however, I made a wonderful discovery. As Muriel became even more dependent on me, our love seeped to deeper, unknown crevices of the heart. Though she never knew what was happening to her, as I cared for her she responded with gratitude and cheerful contentment.

“It was no great effort to do the loving thing for one who was altogether lovable. My imprisonment turned out to be a delightful liberation to love more fully than I had ever known. We found the chains of confining circumstance to be, not instruments of torture, but bonds to hold us closer.

“But there was even greater liberation’s. It has to do with God’s love. No one ever needed me like Muriel, and no one ever responded to my efforts so totally as she. It’s the nearest thing I’ve experienced on a human plane to what my relationship with God was designed to be: God’s unfailing love poured out in constant care of helpless me.

“Surely he planned that relationship to draw from me the kind of love and gratitude Muriel had for her man. Her insatiable —even desperate —longing to be with me, her quiet confidence in my ability and desire to care for her, a mirror reflection of what my love for God should be.”

You can listen to and read about Robertson and Muriel’s life from these resources by Family Life:

Part 1 - My Decision, Part 1: Seminary president Robertson McQuilkin faced the toughest decision of his life. Hear the moving story of how he responded to God and his wife of many years, Muriel. (MP3; PDF)

Part 2 - My Decision, Part 2: When his wife’s health deteriorated, seminary president Robertson McQuilkin came home to care for her. Hear how and why he made this important decision. (MP3; PDF)

Part 3 - My Decision, Part 2: Many things have changed since former seminary president Robertson McQuilkin came home to care for his wife Muriel, who suffered from Alzheimer's. Hear how God met them in their hour of need. (MP3; PDF)

Part 4 - Our Future: If you’re caring for an aging or ill loved one, you’ll find encouragement in the lessons learned and lived by former seminary president Robertson McQuilkin. MP3; PDF)

Chris and Juliana: What are words if you really don’t mean them when you say them …

Chris Medina auditioned for American Idol Season 10 at the suggestion of his fiancée Juliana Ramos. They have been together for eight years and engaged for the last three years. They planned to get married two years after their engagement. But on October 2, 2009 (two months before their wedding) Juliana suffered a traumatic brain injury, severe skull fracture, and multiple fractures to her face in a car accident. She was in a coma for one and a half months. Chris chose to stay in the relationship and since then, together with Juliana’s mother, has been taking care of her. Through the Internet, Chris and Juliana’s story has inspired millions of people worldwide. Here in the Philippines, some people organized a benefit program to raise funds for Juliana’s medical expenses.

In an American Idol profile, Chris said, “I was about to make vows just two months from the accident … through thick and thin, till death do us part, in sickness and health, for better or worse. What kind of a guy would I be if I walked out when she needed me most?”

His single “What Are Words” was released on iTunes after his elimination during Hollywood Week. Rodney “Darkchild” Jerkins, producer of Beyoncé and Britney Spears, wrote the song after he heard Chris and Juliana’s story. The song only reached number 83 in the Billboard charts but according to a Fox News host, it has become a favorite during weddings in the USA.

Three months ago, “What Are Words” became the number 1 hit in Norway; it is now on its 16th week in the Top 20 singles chart. It became number 1 in Singapore last May and number 1 in Sweden as of last week. The music video in YouTube now has over twelve million hits.

For one reason or another, the song resonated with Norwegians, Singaporeans, and Swedes although a lot of them were unaware of Chris and Juliana’s story. Chris said in an interview with NRJ Sweden that in the US, people know his story but not the song; in Sweden, people heard the song first before they learned of his story.

Chris was invited to sing the song for two big concerts in Norway -- School’s Out Festival on June 10 and VG Lista Top 20 Show on June 17. Some 100,000 people attended the latter concert. He returned to Norway last week to sing the song during the funeral of 18-year old Monika Iselin Didriksen. According to Monika’s parents, she was singing the song before she left for Utoya island (where she was shot and killed along with dozens of other youths).

The chorus of the song goes like this:

What are words if you really don’t mean them when you say them
What are words if they’re only for good times and that’s all
When it’s love, yeah you say them out loud
Those words, they never go away
They live on even when we’re gone.

Relationship tips for Lauren Alaina

2011-07-14T10:56:00.018+08:00

Okay, okay, I’ve got admit it, I really like Lauren Alaina, Casey Abrams, and Haley Reinhart from American Idol season 10. I’m not really an Idol fan; previous to Season 10, I have seen only about four or five episodes in the previous nine seasons. But I have managed to watch most of the episodes this season. I still think Casey with his upright bass should have won instead of Scotty Mcreery.

(The previous episodes I remember seeing were in Season 1 with Simon Cowell telling a guy with curly hair that he’s got the X-factor; in Season 4 with Bo Bice singing “Time in a Bottle”, Carrie Underwood singing “Angels brought me here”, and the season finale. I remember rushing home to Metro Manila after an RA 9262 “Anti-Violence against Women” seminar I gave in Victoria, Laguna in order to watch the finale.)

Lauren’s a tough 16-year old girl. A week ago, during the Portland stop in the American Idol 2011 summer tour, she fell down the stairs, breaking her left ankle and sustaining a 3rd degree sprain. But she hasn’t missed any of the Idol concerts after her accident. With her left foot in a heavy, protective boot, she has been performing, limping around the stage, sometimes using a cane, and obviously in great pain. Lauren’s grit has inspired the Alainers (as her fans call themselves).

Ever since Lauren and Scotty sang “I told you so” during a results night episode, there have been tons of online buzz about a possible romance between them. They do look and sound great together and their “McLaina” fans can’t get enough of them. But Scotty has set the record straight by saying that they’re only brother and sister. Judging from the way Lauren’s eyes light up when she looks at Scotty and the way Scotty seems to be aloof during their performances, I think it’s a one-way street. Lauren’s romantically interested in Scotty but Scotty sees her only as a sister. Oh, brother!

(It’s like Booth and Brennan in reverse. It’s Season 6 already and Brennan hasn’t responded to Booth’s romantic feelings. When will they ever get together? Hmm, does Scotty have a Hannah back home in North Carolina?)

Lauren and millions of other people who can’t seem to get the attention of the one they love should get their cue from Dr. James Dobson’s bestselling and multi-awarded book “Love Must Be Tough”. This book discusses the tough love approach to marital infidelity but the chapter titled “Loving Toughness for Singles” deals with 16 suggestions on romantic relationships for single men and women.

Dr. Dobson says that the basic principles in human relationships are:

[1] “It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters.”

[2] “We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that which we are stuck.”

In the chapter titled “Loving Toughness for Singles”, Dr. Dobson enumerates 16 suggestions that will help singles to “conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart.” You can read online the complete suggestions part 1 and part 2 from the Arcamax website. What Lala (as fans call Lauren) should learn and apply in her quest for Scotty’s heart is principle number 6. Dr. Dobson says:

Relationships are constantly being “tested” by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This testing procedure takes many forms, but it usually involves pulling back from the other person to see what will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maybe two weeks will pass without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival.

In each instance, the question being asked is, “How important am I to you, and what would you do if you lost me?” An even more basic issue lies below that one: “How free am I to leave if I want to?” It is incredibly important in these instances to appear poised, secure and equally independent. Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the test occurs.

Lauren has already shown her mental and emotional toughness by continuing to perform despite great pain. In her quest for Scotty’s heart, she should exhibit the same toughness and follow Dr. Dobson’s advice of being poised, secure, and independent. Even if Scotty doesn’t seem to be reciprocating her feelings, she should hang tough with dignity and self-respect.

Lauren should give Scotty the space he needs to contemplate a possible relationship with her. Scotty should not feel “obligated” to love her because of the hopes and wishes of their McLaina fans. As Dr. Dobson writes in page 30 of his book, love should not be an obligation but an incredibly wonderful privilege.

Will Lauren ever win Scotty’s heart? Will the Alainers ever get to see a real life McLaina romance? Maybe we’ll find out before American Idol’s season 11 starts airing in January next year.

Now, about Casey and Haley … Ca-ley! Ca-ley!

Love in any language?

2010-12-10T00:01:00.000+08:00

Most of you might have heard Sandy Patti’s song “Love in any language” where the chorus goes like this:

Love in any language
Straight from the heart
Pulls us all together
Never apart
And once we learn to speak it
All the world will hear
Love in any language
Fluently spoken here

It’s a great song in terms of lyrics and melody. In terms of marriage and relationships however, the song completely misses the point if we are to believe “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” written by Dr. Gary Chapman.

I bought and read Chapman’s book six or seven years ago. I read it through and then Ela, my former Bible school student, borrowed it. Ela has since then gotten married and given birth to her first child but she has not yet returned the book to me. Ela, i-soli mo na ang book ko!

The Five Love Languages

Chapman says that unhappiness in relationships often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages. He identifies these love languages as (1) Words of Affirmation; (2) Quality Time; (3) Receiving Gifts; (4) Acts of Service; and (5) Physical Touch.

Please take note that I don’t agree with everything that Chapman says in his book. David Powlison’s article titled “Love Speaks Many Languages Fluently” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling best sums up what is right experientially and what is wrong Biblically with Chapman’s concepts.

Basically, Chapman says that if your spouse speaks the Words of Affirmation language and you’re always giving him gifts, he’s not going to feel loved and you’re not going to know why. What speaks love to you may be meaningless to your spouse. During a marriage seminar I attended several years ago at Capitol City Baptist Church in Quezon City, Ptr. Clem Guillermo told the story of a husband and wife on the brink of a break-up. The husband gave his wife lavish gifts in the forms of a mansion, cars, and several round-the-world travels. During one counseling session with Ptr. Clem, the husband in exasperation asked his wife, “Why don’t you think that I Iove you? I have given you so much!” To which the wife answered, “If you really loved me, why don’t you tell me that you love me?”

The tragic thing in Ptr. Clem’s story is that both the husband and wife really loved each other. And yet, their marriage was in trouble. It is obvious that the husband and his wife were speaking love to each other in a language that may be normal for him or her but completely alien to the other. The end result is that the man and the woman were in marital conflict. The troubling thought is that there are marriages that span decades but spouses are not hearing what they are trying to say to each other. As inspirational writer Max Lucado once said, “A man can spend a lifetime with a woman and yet never gaze into her soul.”

In terms of gifts, Dr. Willard Harley Jr. in his book "His Needs, Her Needs" says that gifts to men should be practical while gifts to women should be sentimental. In terms of touch, Dr. Ed Wheat in his classic book "Love Life for every married couple" cites 20 plus things husbands and wives can express love through physical touch.

Chapman’s concept of the Five Love Languages can be summarized as follows:

(1) Love is expressed in many different ways or languages;

(2) People experience love in different ways and understanding this can be helpful to a mate desiring to love his/her spouse effectively;

(3) People express love according to the way they wish to receive it and therefore “we must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love”.

(4) When people do not get what they want, unpleasant emotions, actions, and behaviors are often the response; and

(5) Spouses must consider each other’s preferences and interests.

How can you discover what your love language is? Take the 30-Second Assessment from Chapman's The Five Love Languages website.

Chapman explains his concept of the Five Love Languages in this way:

In the area of linguistics, there are major language groups: Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, English, Portuguese, Greek, German, French, and so on. Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages but usually with much more effort. These become our secondary languages. We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use a secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited. We must rely on pointing, grunting, drawing pictures, or acting out our ideas. We can communicate, but it is awkward. Language differences are part and parcel of human culture. If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.

In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. My friend on the plane was speaking the language of "Affirming Words" to his third wife when he said, "I told her how beautiful she was. I told her I loved her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband." He was speaking love, and he was sincere, but she did not understand his language. Perhaps she was looking for love in his behavior and didn't see it. Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

My conclusion after twenty years of marriage counseling is that there are basically five emotional love languages-five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. In the field of linguistics a language may have numerous dialects or variations. Similarly, within the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects. That accounts for the magazine articles titled "10 Ways to Let Your Spouse Know You Love Her," "20 Ways to Keep Your Man at Home," or "365 Expressions of Marital Love." There are not 10, 20, or 365 basic love languages. In my opinion, there are only five. However, there may be numerous dialects. The number of ways to express love within a love language is limited only by one's imagination. The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.

We have long known that in early childhood development each child develops unique emotional patterns. Some children, for example, develop a pattern of low self-esteem whereas others have healthy self-esteem. Some develop emotional patterns of insecurity whereas others grow up feeling secure. Some children grow up feeling loved, wanted, and appreciated, yet others grow up feeling unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated.

The children who feel loved by their parents and peers will develop a primary emotional love language based on their unique psychological makeup and the way their parents and other significant persons expressed love to them. They will speak and understand one primary love language. They may later learn a secondary love language, but they will always feel most comfortable with their primary language. Children who do not feel loved by their parents and peers will also develop a primary love language. However, it will be somewhat distorted in much the same way as some children may learn poor grammar and have an underdeveloped vocabulary. That poor programming does not mean they cannot become good communicators. But it does mean they will have to work at it more diligently than those who had a more positive model. Likewise, children who grow up with an underdeveloped sense of emotional love can also come to feel loved and to communicate love, but they will have to work at it more diligently than those who grew up in a healthy, loving atmosphere.

Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language. Therein lies the fundamental problem, and it is the purpose of this book to offer a solution. That is why I dare to write another book on love. Once we discover the five basic love languages and understand our own primary love language, as well as the primary love language of our spouse, we will then have the needed information to apply the ideas in the books and articles.

Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse's primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage. Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language. We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want him/her to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.

When will we ever learn?

Chapman’s concept of the Five Love Languages is so stunningly simple and effective. Husband and wives (or boyfriends and girlfriends) must find out what their partner’s primary love language is and express love to him or her in that language. Here in the Philippines, the number of cases of annulment, legal separation and declaration of nullity of marriage has been rising through the years. The Office of the Solicitor General reported that in 2007, there were a total of 7,753 cases filed by persons seeking to terminate their marriage 4,520 cases in 2001; 5,250 in 2002; 6,848 in 2003; 6,335 in 2004; and 7,138 in 2006. I wonder, how many marriages could have been saved if spouses only knew about the importance of speaking each other’s primary love language?

The Five Love Languages and a bag full of dikiam

Back in the 1980’s I had a girlfriend from Marikina. When I found out that she loved the Chinese delicacy dikiam (the very salty kind), I made it a point to always buy for her a bag full of dikiam. On our way to her special choir practice in Barangka Drive in Mandaluyong, as she ate the dikiam, she would throw the seeds one by one out of the jeepney we were riding on. Anyone who wanted to know where we were going simply had to follow the trail of dikiam seeds littering the whole of Ortigas Avenue! Hey, I may not have yet read Chapman's book back then but I was speaking her primary love language, in the form of a bag full of dikiam!

Other resources by Chapman

Chapman has written a series of books about the Five Love Languages, namely, The Five Love Languages (Men's Edition), Five Love Languages of Teenagers, and Five Love Languages of Children.

As I noted above, I don’t agree with everything that Chapman says in his book. Please take time to read David Powlison’s article titled “Love Speaks Many Languages Fluently” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling. The article best sums up what is right experientially and what is wrong Biblically with Chapman’s concepts.

Relationship tips for Shalani (and other single men and women)

2010-11-18T09:41:00.023+08:00

I have written in various posts that actress Angel Locsin is the most beautiful woman in the universe. This conviction is somewhat being shaken after I have watched intermittently several episodes of a game show hosted by Valenzuela City councilor Shalani Soledad and Willie Revillame. In the past few days, during commercial breaks of the early evening news programs I watch (Channel 7, Channel 2, CNN and BBC), I have switched the television to Channel 5 simply to watch Shalani.

Shalani first came to public attention before the May 2010 elections when news stories reported that she was the girlfriend of then presidential candidate Noynoy Aquino. (One website alleges that Shalani’s mother died when she was young, her biological father is a well-known banker, and the persons she has come to know as parents are her uncle and aunt.) A few short months after the elections, however, we have come to know of the breakup of their relationship. Cyberspace has been filled with stories, rumors, etc. about the reasons for the breakup; both Shalani and PNoy however have kept silent about the issue.

Love must be tough

During the game show, Willie would oftentimes tease Shalani about her broken relationship. It is amazing to watch how calm Shalani is during these times. I don’t know if Shalani has ever read Dr. James Dobson’s bestselling and award-winning book “Love Must Be Tough”. If she hasn’t read this book which has sold three million copies as of this date, I highly encourage her (and other single guys and girls out there) to read it. This book discusses primarily the tough love approach to marital infidelity but the chapter titled “Loving Toughness for Singles” deals with sixteen suggestions on romantic relationships for single men and women.

(Dr. Dobson is the founder of the “Focus on the Family” ministry. I first came to know about Dr. Dobson in 1981 or 1982 when I read his book “Dare to Discipline”. I was then a brand new English teacher in Dona Aurora High School in San Mateo, Rizal. Since that time, this book has sold more than three million copies. One other book by Dr. Dobson I have read and which you might be interested in is “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women”. More than two million copies of this book have been sold. Dr. Dobson’s opening words in this book “Women have needs that men do not understand” really jolted me. Dr. Dobson, for example, says that men do not know what women go through during menstruation or pregnancy.)

Sixteen suggestions for single men and women on loving toughness

The basic principles in human relationships, according to Dr. Dobson, are:

[1] “It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters.”

[2] “We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that which we are stuck.”

In the chapter titled “Loving Toughness for Singles”, Dr. Dobson enumerates sixteen suggestions that will help singles to “conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart.” You can read online the complete suggestions part 1 and part 2 from the Arcamax website. Ever since I read this book eight or nine years ago, the suggestion that has really stuck in my mind is no. 11 which states: “Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you cannot live without.” The suggestions that apply to Shalani in her situation right now are numbers 6 and 7. Well, here are Dr. Dobson’s suggestions:

1. Don’t let a relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase “too hot not to cool down” has validity. Romantic affairs that begin in a frenzy frequently burn themselves out. Take it one step at a time. (Note: Please read my post “Love Potion No. 9”.)

2. Don’t discuss your personal inadequacies and flaws in great detail when the relationship is new.

3. Remember that respect precedes love. Build it stone upon stone.

4. Don’t call too often on the phone or give the other person an opportunity to get tired of you.

5. Don’t be too quick to reveal your desire to get married -- or that you think you’ve just found Mr. Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your partner has not arrived at the same conclusion, you’ll throw him or her into panic.

6. Most important: Relationships are constantly being “tested” by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This testing procedure takes many forms, but it usually involves pulling back from the other person to see what will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maybe two weeks will pass without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival.

In each instance, the question being asked is, “How important am I to you, and what would you do if you lost me?” An even more basic issue lies below that one: “How free am I to leave if I want to?” It is incredibly important in these instances to appear poised, secure and equally independent. Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the test occurs.

7. Extending the same concept, keep in mind that virtually every dating relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be moving toward marriage will be given the ultimate test. A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he or she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything.

8. Do not depend entirely upon each other for the satisfaction of every emotional need.

9. Guard against selfishness in your love affair.

10. Beware of blindness to obvious warning signs that tell you that your potential husband or wife is basically disloyal, hateful, spiritually uncommitted, hooked on drugs or alcohol, given to selfishness, etc.

11. Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you cannot live without.

12. Beginning early in the dating relationship, treat the other person with respect and expect the same in return.

13. Do not equate human worth with flawless beauty or handsomeness!

14. If genuine love has escaped you thus far, don't begin believing that “no one would ever want me.” That is a deadly trap that can destroy you emotionally! Millions of people are looking for someone to love. The problem is finding one another! (Note: Please read my post “The One and Only [2]”)

15. Regardless of how brilliant the love affair has been, take time to “check your assumptions” with your partner before committing yourself to marriage.

16. Sexual familiarity can be deadly to a relationship. In addition to the many moral, spiritual and physical reasons for remaining virgins until marriage, there are numerous psychological and interpersonal advantages as well. Though it’s an old-fashioned notion, perhaps, it is still true that men do not respect “easy” women and often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve. Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their minds. Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. It’s pronounced “NO!”

So, who do I think now is the most beautiful woman in the universe - Angel Locsin or Shalani Soledad? Hmm, let me watch Shalani’s show tonight and then I will let you know ...

What a woman wants

2010-06-22T10:14:00.015+08:00

Max Lucado is one of my favorite writers; I have more than six of his books (the locally-reprinted editions which cost less than a hundred pesos each, not the originals which cost more than three hundred pesos each). I don’t remember from what book but Lucado said, “A man can spend a lifetime with a woman and yet never gaze into her soul”. Wow! This is the kind of writing and insight that makes women swoon and me to go and eat some pizza ...

Any man you talk to has, at various times in his life, thrown his hands up and shaken his head, wondering what the woman in his life really wants from him. As someone (Sigmund Freud? John Donne?) said, “Every woman is a science.” In the early 1970’s, I had a National Science Development Board scholarship in UP Diliman. I barely passed Math 17 and failed Physics 41, Math 53 and Engineering Science I. Hmm, this must be the reason I don’t understand women …

In the late 1990’s, I read through most of Dr. Larry Crabb’s books, namely, “Finding God”, “The Marriage Builder”, “Encouragement, The Key To Caring”, “Understanding People”, “Hope When You’re Hurting”, and “Men and Women, Enjoying the Difference”. Having come to know in recent years about nouthetic or Biblical counseling, I no longer agree with his “Christian psychology” viewpoints. Dr. Crabb, who visited the Philippines in 1994, is a great writer nevertheless. Posted below is an example of his excellent writing from the book “Men and Women, Enjoying the Difference”.

“A woman wants to know that the deepest parts of her being are richly enjoyed by a man who will therefore treat her with tenderness and look at her with delight, someone who will enjoy her because she is enjoyable, and not because of a manipulative desire that hopes to get from her what will bring pleasure to him.

“But women have learned to be skeptical. Every little girl has discovered that not everything wonderful about her will reliably be enjoyed. Some of who she is will at times be ignored, despised, demeaned or selfishly used. In a fallen world, she learns that offering all that she has to another runs the risk of rejection and abuse. And because she too is fallen and therefore committed to her own well-being with no thought of dependence upon God, she figures how to minimize the risks by hiding the tenderest parts of her soul and avoiding an honest look at her ugly parts.

“In order to survive in a world where people carelessly hurt her and use her for their own purposes, she learns to cover her delicate nature with a hard crust, a toughness that is always on alert for dangers. When she is by herself long enough to reflect on what she really wants, she becomes at least vaguely aware (sometimes acutely to the point of despair) of how nice it would be if someone were tough for her.

“Deep within her being, she longs for an advocate, not a tyrant who would control her life with strength, but an advocate whose strength on her behalf would free her to go off duty and to express more of who she really is. She longs for an advocate who would enjoy her and give her the hope that she could invite people into meaningful relationships with the confidence that there really was something about her that could be enjoyed.”

Miss, Ms, or Mrs: Why should a woman use her husband's surname?

2010-05-11T22:25:00.002+08:00

In an article entitled “What’s Your Name?” published by The Institute on Religion and Public Life, University of Chicago professors Leon and Amy Kass (husband and wife!) explain in a very scholarly and closely reasoned manner why a married woman should use her husband’s surname. Among other things, they say,

The husband who gives his name to his bride in marriage is thus not just keeping his own; he is owning up to what it means to have been given a family and a family name by his own father - he is living out his destiny to be a father by saying yes to it in advance. And the wife does not so much surrender her name as she accepts the gift of his, given and received as a pledge of (among other things) loyal and responsible fatherhood for her children. A woman who refuses this gift is, whether she knows it or not, tacitly refusing the promised devotion or, worse, expressing her suspicions about her groom’s trustworthiness as a husband and prospective father.

Patrilineal surnames are, in truth, less a sign of paternal prerogative than of paternal duty and professed commitment, reinforced psychologically by gratifying the father’s vanity in the perpetuation of his name and by offering this nominal incentive to do his duty both to mother and child. Such human speech and naming enables the father explicitly to choose to become the parent-by-choice that he, more than the mother, must necessarily be.

Fathers who will not own up to their paternity, who will not “legitimize” their offspring, and who will not name themselves responsible for child-rearing by giving their children their name are, paradoxically, not real fathers at all, and their wives and especially their children suffer. The former stigmatization of bastardy was, in fact, meant to protect women and children from such irresponsible behavior of self-indulgent men (behavior probably naturally rooted in mammalian male psychosexual tendencies), men who would take their sexual pleasures and walk away from their consequences. The removal of the stigma, prompted by a humane concern not to penalize innocent children by calling them “illegitimate,” has, paradoxically but absolutely predictably, contributed mightily to an increase in such fatherless children.

The advantage a woman and her children gain from the commitment of the man to take responsibility and to stay the course - the commitment implied in his embracing the woman and her prospective children with his family name, now newly understood - is by itself sufficient reason why it is in a woman’s interest as a married-woman-and-mother-to-be to readily take the bridegroom’s name.

But there is a deeper reason why this makes sense. The change of the woman’s name, from family of origin to family of perpetuation, is the perfect emblem for the desired exogamy of human sexuality and generation. The woman in marriage not only expresses her humanity in love (as does the man); she also embraces the meaning of marriage by accepting the meaning of her womanly nature as generative. In shedding the name of her family of origin, she tacitly affirms that children of her womb can be legitimated only exogamously. Her children will not bear the same name as-will not "belong to"-her father; moreover, her new name allows also her father to recognize formally the mature woman his daughter has become. Whereas the man needs convention to make up-by expansion-for his natural deficiency, the woman needs convention to humanize-by restriction-the result of her natural prowess. By anticipating necessity and by thus choosing to accept the gift of her husband’s name, the woman affirms the meaning of her own humanity by saying yes to customizing her given nature.
(emphasis by boldfacing supplied)

The Biblical view on a wife’s use of her husband’s surname

The Biblical concept of marriage is found in the Old Testament book of Genesis, chapter 2, verses 20 to 25. Please take note especially of verse 24:

20. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22. And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
25. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Ephesians 5:21 up to 33 outline the rights and obligations of husbands and wives:

21. Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
22. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26. That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27. That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

I Peter 3: 1-12 also state the rights and duties of husbands and wives toward each other:

1. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2. While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4. But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6. Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
7. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
8. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
9. Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
10. For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
11. Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
12. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.

A wife expresses her Biblical submission by using her husband’s surname

In the area of relationships and marriage, there cannot be a more explosive and divisive issue than that of the headship of men and the submission of women. Sometime in the late 1990’s, I think, the Southern Baptist Convention issued an official statement asking women to “graciously submit” to their husbands. Needless to say, that statement was greeted with controversy, scorn and ridicule from different sectors and even from within the Convention itself. Feminist groups have been saying all these time that the Biblical injunction for women to submit to their husbands is an open invitation for spousal abuse.

If you want a thorough discussion of the Biblical doctrines of the headship of men and the submission of women, I recommend the following books to you:

[1] “Strike the Original Match” by Chuck Swindoll; Multnomah Press © 1980; specifically the chapters entitled “Let’s Repair the Foundation” and “Bricks that Build a Marriage.”

[2] “The Grace Awakening” also by Chuck Swindoll; Word Publishing, ©1996; specifically the chapter entitled “A Marriage Oiled by Grace”

[3] “Together Forever” by Anne Kristin Caroll; Zondervan, © 1982 by Barbara J. Denis); specifically the chapter entitled “Who Wears the Pants?”

[4] “Rocking the Roles” by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks; NavPress, ©1991; specifically the chapters entitled “The ‘S’ Word” and “The Masculine Counterpart to the ‘S’ Word.”

“Being a spiritually submissive wife doesn’t mean being a doormat”

It might interest you to know that in the New Testament, whenever husband and wife Aquila and Priscilla were mentioned after Acts 18:2 (five times in all), Priscilla was always mentioned first. Bible scholars say that it was probably because Priscilla had the higher social standing, or had the stronger personality and thus was more well-known than her husband.

I have previously written about the headship of men and the submission of women, and you might want to re-read it. Part of that article reads as follows:

Lewis and Hendricks, while maintaining the traditional view of the headship of men and the submission of women, clarify however that submission is not a wife’s role. Rather, they say, submission is the wife’s loving response to her husband’s loving and sacrificial headship.

“Roles” and ‘responses” may sound like only semantics to you, but I encourage you to read “Rocking the Roles.” The most striking statement in this book about submission is found in page 135: “A biblically submissive wife’s focus is not on enabling wrong behavior, but in empowering her husband to pursue right behavior – to become the man God wants him to be, and the leader God wants him to be.”

I remember something Dr. James Dobson wrote in his classic book (highly recommended!) “Love Must Be Tough” about submission. Dobson said, “Being a spiritually submissive wife doesn’t mean being a doormat.”

Caroll, who writes her book out of the crucible of the pain of her divorce (and remarriage to the same guy) says on page 126, “Submission is freedom.”

During the wedding reception of a Filipino missionary couple bound for a Creative Access Nation, the groom wished out loud that his wife would submit to him. That brought about a lot of laughter among the guests. Well, Sir, please do keep in mind Lewis and Hendricks’ definition of submission and I’m sure your marriage will turn out okay. What’s their definition again? “A biblically submissive wife’s focus is not on enabling wrong behavior, but in empowering her husband to pursue right behavior – to become the man God wants him to be, and the leader God wants him to be.”

Parenting Our Kids: a parenting model

2010-01-26T16:43:00.000+08:00

This fast paced training video-seminar on parenting kids is an abbreviated version of a larger workshop on parenting from Counseling Solutions. It is based on Ephesians 6:4 as well as four poor parenting models and how they adversely impact our kids.

Remember a missionary this Christmas

2009-12-10T00:24:00.001+08:00

Missionary Christmas

Christmas was special when he was a child,
food and presents and carols and smiles.

Tree decorating was great family fun,
and cold nights by the fire watching old reruns.

But then one day God spoke to his heart,
and he gave up his culture to make a new start.

Now taking the Gospel to far off lands,
his Christmas is different than what he had planned.

The weather is sticky, with stench in the air,
the needs that surround him are terrible to bear.

Instead of carols and Christmas bells,
he hears chanting and the casting of spells.

The childhood dream of Christmas in the snow,
was left at the altar when he decided to go.

If only the ones who he left behind,
would remember his face during this special time.

And send him a note, or a word of thanks
or maybe even something he could put in the bank.

Then Christmas would not be so tough this year
and even for the missionary it would “good cheer.”

©Wayne Dillard 2004
www.prayercentral.net

“What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men” (Marlowe and Raleigh, Dobson and Morley)

2009-09-24T15:57:00.016+08:00

Lovers of classic world literature among you probably are familiar with Christopher Marlowe’s poem “The Passionate Shepherd to His Love” (published in 1599, six years after his death). Marlowe was a controversial figure alleged to have been a secret agent of the English crown; he was killed in a knife duel. He was played by Rupert Everett in the 1998 blockbuster movie “Shakespeare in Love” starring Joseph Fiennes and Gwyneth Paltrow. As you may know, Sir Walter Raleigh (a poet and a privateer) wrote “The Nymph’s Reply to the Shepherd” as his answer to Marlowe.

I always discuss these poems by Marlowe and Raleigh in my Literature class at the Asia Baptist Bible College. Hey, what can I say? I am a sucker for sappy, centuries-old love poems!

Dr. James Dobson’s book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women”

Well, seven or eight years ago, I read through Dobson’s book (copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc; published by Living Books). The book is a worldwide bestseller, having sold more than two million copies, and the words on the frontispiece really get your attention – “Women have needs men don’t understand.” You can read portions of the book from Amazon. In this book, Dobson enumerates and discusses the top ten problems women face:

[1] Low self-esteem
[2] Fatigue and time pressure
[3] Loneliness, isolation, and boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage
[4] Financial difficulties
[5] Sexual problems in marriage
[6] Menstrual and physiological problems
[7] Problems with the children
[8] Problems with in-laws
[9] Aging

Number [3] in the enumeration above is actually a combination of two related problems – absence of romantic love leading to loneliness, isolation and boredom. While Dobson wrote this book 31 years ago from a survey of American women, I would dare say that his findings and discussions still hold true today not only for Americans but also for Filipino women. (The book is available locally in Christian bookstores like OMF Lit, PCBS, etc. )

Patrick Morley’s free book “What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men”

Well, Morley has written a book titled “What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men” (new title Understanding Your Man in the Mirror). I do not know if Morley intended to answer Dobson’s book (just like Raleigh did with Marlowe) but the book is available as a free download. Morley discusses the issues that husbands struggle with. These are:

Significance - What Is It That Your Husband Wants?
Obstacles - What’s Troubling Your Husband?
Pressure - Understanding the Pressure Your Husband Feels
Work - Why Men Are Preoccupied with Work
Temptations - The Six Persistent Temptations Men Struggle With
Companionship - What a Husband Needs from His Wife
Physical Intimacy - What Else a Man Needs from His Wife
Communication - What Men Want to Express but Find Difficult
Resolving Conflict - Help Around the House and Other Sore Spots
Appearance - Why a Man Wants His Wife to Look Good
Fathering - Your Husband’s Changing View of Being a Dad
Hard Years - Living with a Difficult Husband
Perspective - Why Your Husband May Not Be As Bad As You Think
Golden Years - Preparing for Winter

I haven’t found time to read Morley’s book but chapter 10 (“Appearance - Why a Man Wants His Wife to Look Good”) looks very good ...

About Patrick Morley and his “Man in the Mirror” ministry

After spending the first part of his career in the highly competitive world of real estate development, Patrick has been used throughout the world to help men think more deeply about their lives.

In 1973 Patrick founded Morley Properties, which, for several years, was hailed as one of Florida's 100 largest privately held companies. During this time he was the president or managing partner of 59 companies and partnerships.

In 1989 he wrote The Man in the Mirror, a landmark book that poured from his own search for meaning, purpose, and a deeper relationship with God. With over 3,000,000 copies, this best-selling book has captured the imaginations of hundreds of thousands of men worldwide, and was selected as one of the 100 most influential Christian books of the twentieth century. Five of his 16 books have received critical acclaim.

In 1991, Patrick founded Man in the Mirror which has impacted the lives of 10,000,000 men worldwide, has distributed 8,000,000 books, and last year worked with over 40,000 church leaders to more effectively disciple men. Through his speaking and writing he is a tireless advocate for men, encouraging and inspiring them to change their lives in Christ. Every Friday morning since 1986, Patrick teaches a Bible study to 150 businessmen in Orlando, Florida which is podcast through iTunes and webcast throughout the United States and over 50 countries. He has written over 450 articles to help men and leaders, has appeared on several hundred of radio and television programs, and speaks to men daily through The Man in the Mirror radio program carried on 75 stations nationwide.

Patrick Morley graduated with honors from the University of Central Florida, which selected him to receive its Distinguished Alumnus Award in 1984. He has earned a Ph.D. in Management and completed post-graduate studies at the Harvard Business School and Oxford University, and graduated from Reformed Theological Seminary. For sport he races a 1974 Porsche 911. He lives in Winter Park, FL with his wife, Patsy. They have two grown children and two granddaughters.

Through the distance ...

2009-08-10T19:45:00.000+08:00

“And Mizpah; for he said, The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another.” (Gen 31:49)

“Is the Lord going to use in a great way? Quite probably. Is He going to prepare you as you expect? Probably not. And if you’re not careful, you will look at the trials, the tests, the sudden interruptions, the disappointments, the sadness, the lost jobs, the failed opportunities, the broken moments, and you will think, He’s through with me, He’s finished with me, when in fact, He is equipping you.” (The Mystery of God’s Will, by Chuck Swindoll)

“Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”

2009-07-14T07:30:00.000+08:00

Marriage: The ultimate fighting championship

Several days ago, the mixed martial arts program “Ultimate Fighting Championship” celebrated its historic 100th episode, with fights featuring Brock Lesnar, Frank Mir, Georges St. Pierre and Tiago Alvez. Years ago, I was hooked on watching reruns of the UFC’s previous tournaments that started in the late 1990’s and featured fighters who since then have become legends in mixed martial arts – Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, Kimo, Marco Ruas, Maurice Smith, Mark Coleman, etc.

You see, back in the 1970’s and 80’s, I trained very briefly in martial arts like Modern Arnis, Aikido and a little bit of Kung Fu. At various points in time, I wanted to study Hapkido, Hwa Rang Do, Yaw Yan, Wing Chun and Pai Lum Kung Fu. Until the middle 1990’s I had dozens of books and magazines on martial arts. For the Mini Press Conference I organized for Rizal High School in Pasig from 1984 up to 1991, I always included, as part of the activities, martial arts exhibitions by groups such as the National Tae Kwon Do Demonstration Team, the UP Tae Kwon Do team, the Wu Shu Federation of the Philippines, and the Arnis Philippines.

Anyway, going back to the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC), I stayed up late on weekends, totally engrossed in the tournament style of fighting that allowed everything – punching with bare knuckles, kicking, head butting, elbow smashes, ramming the knee to the opponent’s face and solar plexus, guillotine chokes, submissions, key locks, arm bars, triangle chokes, etc. A karate black belter could be fighting a Brazilian Ju-jitsu practitioner, or a judoka could be pitted against a boxer, and so on and so forth. There were no weight classes, and so, a puny welterweight could be paired against a 300 pound behemoth. I always got a thrill when the UFC chief referee “Big John” MacArthy would shout to the fighters, “Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”

But the no-holds barred fighting was the early days of the UFC. Later on, weight categories like that in boxing were introduced, fighters had to wear gloves, and certain things were outlawed – head butting, blows to the kidney area, etc. Thus, the tournament officials would always say that the UFC was a sport since the fighting was done within specific rules, weight categories, etc, and was not a free-for-all, no holds barred, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting.

From lovers to fighters

I wish I could say the same thing about the way a lot of married couples fight with each other …

I mean, from the stories of people I have counseled over the years, husbands and wives have fought each other, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally in a free-for-all, no holds barred, tit for tat, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting. One husband told me that one time when he was suffering from an asthma attack, his wife tried to choke him to death! One couple I know becomes “aerodynamic” whenever they would fight. They would grab hold of plates, bottles, vases, anything they could get their hands on, and hurl these things at each other, with their children helplessly cowering at the sidelines. I’m sure you know of husbands and wives who fight each other verbally and emotionally with insults, threats, ridicule, innuendos, accusations, put-downs and character assassination.

More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence

But not all marital fights I have been told about by my counselees have involved overt violence, whether physical or verbal. Some couples instead engage in silent warfare, with no one acknowledging that problems or tensions do exist, or with one partner avoiding and withdrawing from any discussion of whatever conflicts there may be.

As I told you several weeks ago, I’m reading through the book “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan. Published by Jossey-Bass Publishers, the book is based on materials, research and a program from the University of Denver known as Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). The program has been extensively reported on by CNN and MNSBC, and by shows such as 20/20, 48 Hours, Good Morning America, Fox News, The Today Show and Oprah.

Dealing with domestic violence

Please take note that Stanley and his co-authors clarify that PREP and their book are not meant to deal with domestic violence. They say that in cases of domestic violence, safety of the abused spouse and/or the children is the foremost consideration. If you want to know more about Republic Act 9262, our country’s landmark law on domestic violence, please read my previous articles like (1) Hope and help for the battered woman, statistics on domestic violence; (2) Salient provisions of RA 9262; (3) Protection Orders; (4) Mediation not applicable to domestic violence cases; (5) Emotional abuse and psychological violence; and (6) Biblical response to spousal abuse.

Ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict

In Chapter 5 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors discuss the “ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict.” They first establish certain foundational truths, to wit,

[1] There will be conflict even in a marriage between Christians.

[2] You can choose your reactions to your spouse’s hurtful words or actions. By taking responsibility for own behavior and avoiding “reckless words”, you can create the climate for a great marriage.

About two years ago, I offered to lend my book “Love Busters” by Willard Harley Jr. to a newly married woman. But she refused the offer, saying that she didn’t need to read the book since her marriage was “God-ordained.” I wonder if she still feels the same way after two years of marriage …

The reality of conflicts even in Christian marriages

You see, there will always be conflicts between a man and a woman within the framework of marriage. Genesis 3: 16 says, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Some people have said that the expression “thy desire shall be to thy husband” refers to a woman’s sexual desire for her husband, but we know that in a lot of situations that desire isn’t there. Conservative theologians like Woodrow Kroll say (correctly, in my opinion) that Genesis 3:16 should be read in relation to Genesis 4: 7 which states, “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.” These theologians say that the expression “unto thee shall be his desire” in Genesis 4:7 is similar in words and grammar as Genesis 3:16.

Thus, the proper interpretation of “thy desire shall be unto thy husband” is that there will be conflicts and struggles between a husband and a wife in their sinful state as the woman tries to wrest control over the relationship divinely ordained for the man. (Please read my article on “The Myth of Mutual Submission” for more on this issue.)

B-E-S-T formula for a great marriage

The second foundational truth above sounds very familiar for those of you who have read Dr. Ed Wheat’s “Love Life For Every Married Couple” or Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” I wrote a review of Dr. Wheat’s B-E-S-T formula for saving your marriage alone entitled “Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book” which you might want to re-read later on.

Stanley and his co-authors propose six ground rules by which couples can handle the inevitable conflicts in marriage and thus help these couples “work as a team to protect and strengthen their marriage.”

Ground Rule No. 1: When conflict begins to escalate, we will call a Time Out and either try talking again, using the Speaker-Listener Technique, or agree to talk later at a specified time about the issue, using the Speaker-Listener Technique.

By “Time Out”, Stanley and his co-authors mean deliberately not discussing a problem right now and setting a definite future time to discuss the problem. The purpose of the “Time Out” is to defuse the explosive situation so that the couple can discuss the problem at a definite time and date when they are both level headed and prepared.

Ground Rule No. 2: When we are having trouble communicating, we will engage the Speaker-Listener Technique.

The “Speaker-Listener Technique” which Stanley and his co-authors discuss in Chapter 3 of their book, is a way by which both spouses take turns in talking about the problem (instead of out shouting and interrupting each other), with the other spouse paraphrasing what the other spouse just said so that it becomes clear that he or she understood correctly what the other said or meant, etc. As James 1: 19 admonishes us, “… let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

As marriage counselors and pastors would say, husbands and wives should learn to bite their tongue. Words recklessly spewed out against a marriage partner can and will tear the very fabric of your marriage. Listen to what the Apostle James says about the tongue in Chapter 3, verses 3 to 12:

3. Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.
4. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.
5. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
6. And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
7. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
8. But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
9. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
10. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
11. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
12. Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

Relational skills for a man: Duck and dodge, bob and weave

Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus: Together Forever” (copyright 1994, 1996 by J.G. Productions Inc.) tackles in Chapter 5 of his book some skills a man should know and practice whenever he finds himself in a fight with his wife. Gray teaches men how to duck and dodge, bob and weave whenever they are faced with an onslaught of emotions, a barrage of angry words from their wives. He says that when a woman talks out loud and expresses a lot of emotions towards her husband, what she really is doing is processing her thoughts and feelings about the matter or the situation. In essence, Gray says that today’s women still long for strong men and don’t necessarily want their husbands to fold up and give in to whatever they’re saying. He says that most often, women simply want to feel heard and be considered. (Hey, duck and dodge, bob and weave, these are boxing terms!)

Ground Rule No. 3: When discussing an important issue, we will completely separate Problem Discussion from Problem Solution.

Stanley and his co-authors say that “Problem discussion is about understanding one another. Problem solving is about taking action together.” They warn that a lot of couples rush into decisions in order to avoid conflicts. When the hasty decision doesn’t work out, the couple becomes discouraged. As they point out, Proverbs 18:13 still holds true: “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”

In Chapter 4 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors state three key assumptions that help couples create stronger marriages. These key assumptions are: [1] All couples have problems; [2] It is best to handle problems as a team; and [3] Rushed solutions are poor solutions.

In Chapter 6, Stanley and his co-authors discuss what they call “hidden issues” which so often underlie fights and disagreements between couples. These hidden issues are: [1] control and power; [2] needing and caring; [3] recognition; [4] commitment; and [5] integrity.

Ground Rule No. 4: We can bring up an issue at any time, but the listener can say “This is not a good time.” If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future (usually within twenty-four to forty-eight hours).

What does Ephesians 4:26 say? “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Or in paraphrase, husbands and wives should keep short accounts with each other.

Ground Rule No. 5: We will have weekly couple meetings.

Stanley and his co-authors say that couples should deliberately carve time out of their busy schedules and not let anything or anyone interfere with this special time together. They say that this weekly couple meeting acts as a safety valve for the marriage because husbands and wives know that problems won’t be swept under the rug and conveniently forgotten. They further say that couples should always take this time together, if not to discuss problems, then simply to reconnect with one another. Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman.

One time, while I was on an FX taxi on the way to Cubao, I overheard a conversation between the driver and his wife who was seated beside him. When we passed by Ali Mall, the wife began gently asking her husband to take time out and watch a particular movie with her. But the husband curtly replied, “That’s not important and is a waste of time. What’s important is for us to be able to provide food on the table for our kids.” Well, well, well, that FX taxi driver and a lot of husbands should be reminded of how women measure their marriage. Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, said, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”

Ground Rule No. 6: We will make time for the great things of marriage - fun, friendship, sensuality, and spiritual connection. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.

Well, well, well, there you have it, men and women, six proven ground rules designed to keep the inevitable fights with your spouse within a reasonable and Biblical structure. So the next time you get into a problem or a fight with your spouse, remember and observe these ground rules, okay? Are you ready? Let’s get it on!

Happy Father's Day! [Men and women, boys and girls (2)]

2009-06-20T07:40:00.001+08:00

“Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?”

This is a picture of my niece Chloe (Grade 3) and my nephew Gino (Grade 1) during a swimming and birthday party for one of their schoolmates in Greenhills Christian Fellowship. They’re both cute just like their uncle. Hey, what can I say? Cuteness is in our genes!

Last year, during the hot summer months, my cute niece Chloe and cute nephews Danfil, Darwin, and Gino would oftentimes bring out the inflatable pool, place it in our dinky driveway, air it up, and fill it up with water. My nephews would just put on their shorts and their goggles and jump right into the water. My cute niece Chloe however would always come up me and ask for help in putting on her goggles. As I helped her put on her goggles, she would always tell me in a stern voice, “Huwag mong guluhin ang buhok ko!” Women! I mean, women kids!

In previous articles entitled “Can you read my mind?” and “Do wives really want husbands to share their feelings and thoughts with them?” I discussed some differences between men and women, and how women, following Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s advice, should engage in direct communication with their husbands. I was a bit worked up writing that article, asking twice rhetorically, as to what women really wanted from men.

Tough and Tender

Well, I’ve got an “oldie but a goodie” of a book written by Joyce Landorf way back in 1975 which states what women do want from their husbands. Entitled “Tough and Tender,” Landorf says that wives want their husbands to be:

[1] The Decision Maker

[2] The Spiritual leader

[3] The Exceptional Listener

[4] The Wise Gentleman

[5] The Gentle Lover

Well, well, well, these don’t sound too difficult to be or to do, right, guys? But speaking as a lawyer who has counseled women over the years, I guess we have to admit that husbands really have a lot of work to do before reaching the standard that Landorf discusses in her book.

I’ve got to tell you that I am not married, and that the information and discussions in this blog about marriage and the family come firstly, from my readings and secondly, from my years of counseling women who either want to have their marriage annulled or who want to escape from abusive relationships. It’s not that I don’t want to get married because I do, as I told you in my previous “Covenant Marriage” article. It’s just that after having been turned down three times by the same woman, I’m beginning to get a little bit discouraged ...ü

In her last chapter (“A Most Unlikely Man”), Landorf enumerates several processes necessary for a man to grow into the man God intends him to be. These are:

[1] You may need a realignment of attitudes.

[2] You may need to change; Learn to live with your past mistakes; Let each partner move at his own pace and at his own rate of speed toward change; Consider how you, not your wife or your children, could change to make your life and marriage more meaningful.

[3] You may need to make a commitment to effort.

Well, we’ve heard from women what they want from us men. Perhaps it’s time now for women to listen how men think of themselves, how men really are, or simply, what makes men tick, so to speak.

Wild at Heart

John Eldredge, in one of his books (either “Journey of Desire” or “Wild at Heart”) says that people are not gender-less souls inhabiting male and female bodies. He says that we are created either as man or woman but either way, created in the image of God. What he says sounds truly Biblical, but I’m willing to be corrected by those of you who have better theological background than I have.

Eldredge in his book “Wild at Heart, Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul” (copyright 2001; published by Thomas Nelson Inc.) enumerates three universal desires which are the clues to masculinity itself. These are:

[1] A battle to fight

[2] An adventure to live

[3] A beauty to rescue

Eldredge is a superb writer, in the class of Philip Yancey. Four lines from his book which are worth the price of the book (quite expensive at almost four hundred pesos) are the following:

[1] Page 62: “Masculinity is bestowed.”

[2] Page 63: “Femininity can never bestow masculinity.”

[3] Page 184: “If masculinity has come under assault, femininity has been brutalized.”

[4] Page 211: “… The most terrifying question any man ever asks his woman: ‘What’s wrong?” After that it’s all mystery. A woman doesn’t want to be related to with formulas, and she certainly doesn’t want to be treated like a project that has answers to it. She doesn’t wan to be solved; she wants to be known.”

What eloquent words can I use to say that Eldredge is a great writer? Hmm, maybe “WOW!” would best sum it all up.

Please take note however that there might be some questions or reservations about Eldredge’s theology and ideas. In pages 30 and 31, for example, he espouses what is known in theology as “open theism,” that is, God takes real risks, not knowing the outcome of everything in the world. Calvinist theologian and Baptist pastor John Piper, I think, has effectively countered “open theism” in his book “The Pleasures of God.” Probe Ministries, in its review of Eldredge’s ideas, says that his language is inaccurate and that he sometimes confuses recklessness with manliness.

The Man in the Mirror

A lot of men measure their masculinity and worth through success, financially, academically or professionally. As the saying goes, “He who has the most toys, wins.” Or more eloquent still, “Big toys for the big boys!”

Using this criteria of success, Patrick Morley has definitely earned the right to speak about masculinity. He graduated with honors from the University of Central Florida and completed studies at Harvard Business School and reformed Theological Seminary. He founded Morley properties which in the 1970’s became one of Florida’s one hundred largest privately held companies. When his book “The Man in the Mirror” became a worldwide bestseller in 1989, he sold his business and founded his ministry to men, encouraging and inspiring new lives through Jesus Christ. His website is www.maninthemirror.org.

(The last time I looked, the only book of Morley which is locally available, beside “Man in the Mirror” is “Walking With Christ in the Details of Life.”)

Morley in his book discusses issues and problems that men struggle with. He answers the questions “Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?” Whether you’re a man or a woman, you will learn a lot from Morley’s discussion of the following issues:

[1] The Rat Race
[2] Leading an Unexamined Life
[3] Biblical Christian or Cultural Christian?
[4] Significance: The Search for Meaning and Purpose
[5] Purpose: Why Do I Exist?
[6] The Secret of Job Contentment
[7] Broken relationships
[8] Children: How to Avoid Regrets
[9] Wives: How to be Happily Married
[10] Friends: Risks and Rewards
[11] Money: A Biblical Point of View
[12] The Four Pillars of Financial Strength
[13] Decisions: How to Make the Right Choice
[14] Priorities: How to Decide What’s Important
[15] Time Management: Doing God’s Will
[16] Pride
[17] Fear
[18] Anger
[19] The Desire to be Independent
[20] Avoiding Suffering
[21] Integrity: What’s the Price?
[22] Leading a Secret Thought Life
[23] Accountability: The Missing Link
[24] How Can a Man Change?

Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart

The gender issues facing us today are primarily spiritual and theological at their core. Everything we do as humans is influenced strongly by our gender realities. Gender is a very basic element in dealing with our identity. In his or her soul, every human being asks a few basic questions: Who am I? Am I loved? Am I good or bad? Am I a boy or a girl – a man or a woman?

These lines are from Stu Webber’s book, “Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart” (copyright 1997; Multnomah Books; published in the Philippines by OMF Literature Inc). Webber is definitely a man’s man – he became an Airborne Ranger and then fought in the Vietnam War as one of the tough and elite Green Berets of the 5th US Special Forces. In one occasion, crunched inside a foxhole waiting to engage the Vietcong in bloody battle, Webber surrendered his life to God in full-time ministry.

Webber, drawing upon the work of secular psychologists Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, says that there are four pillars of Biblical manhood upon which marriage, family, church and community (the nation) rest. All these institutions collapse when the pillars lean out of balance. According to Webber, these pillars and core characteristics of what a Biblical man truly is are the following:

[1] King – provides; core characteristic – cares deeply

[2] Warrior – protects; core characteristic - contends courageously

[3] Mentor – teaches; core characteristic - communicates transparently

[4] Friend – connects; core characteristic – connects deliberately

Citing Gillette and Moore, Webber in page 62 says that the common results in a man when a pillar is leaning, absent or abused are:

[1] King becomes either an abdicator or a tyrant, resulting in disorder and chaos, family dysfunction, and oppression;

[2] Warrior becomes a coward or a brute, results in fear, abuse, cruelty and hatred.

[3] Mentor becomes either a dunce or know-it-all, resulting in lack of discipline, personal immaturity, disregard for Scripture and spiritual insensitivity.

[4] Friend becomes a loner or a smotherer, resulting in unavailability, personal isolation, emotional detachment and illicit sensuality.

Probe Ministries has two articles on Webber's ideas which you might find interesting. These are "Four Pillars of a Man's Heart" and "Is the Tender Warrior Wild at Heart?"

Let’s hear it for the women!

A bonus part of Webber’s book is the postscript “A Woman Among The Pillars.” Here, Webber discusses the ways women can support the King Pillar of their husband’s hearts:

[1] Read, learn, apply and learn.
[2] Love unconditionally.
[3] Listen intently.
[4] Don’t expect him to meet all your emotional needs.
[5] Understand the power you have.
[6] See your husband as God’s gift to you.
[7] Appreciate the little things he does, as well as the “big” things.
[8] Give him some space.
[9] Physically appreciate him
[10] Follow his leadership.
[11] See your marriage as a journey, not a destination.

Well, ladies, there you have it, the keys to understanding the man in your life, from men about men, for men and women ... Happy Father's Day!

Relationship tip from Angel Locsin

2009-04-25T08:34:00.015+08:00

As far as I am concerned, Philippine movie star Angel Locsin is the most beautiful woman in the universe. Yesterday, in a TV Patrol interview, Angel Locsin said that she spent several hours a few days ago looking for a pair of white sneakers that her boyfriend really wanted to have. What’s her boyfriend’s name, again? Never mind, never mind … Anyway, she gave the sneakers as a birthday gift to her boyfriend who is currently abroad.

I don’t know if Angel Locsin has ever read Dr. Willard Harley Jr’s classic book “His Needs, Her Needs.” Dr. Harley said that gifts to men should be practical (like white sneakers for walking around comfortably), while gifts to women should be sentimental.

Hmm, let me see, what sentimental gift can I give to Angel Locsin (while her boyfriend is still abroad)?

Note: Dr. Harley’s website is www.marriagebuilders.com; Read a sample chapter of his book “His Needs, Her Needs”

Helpful articles on adoption, infertility and related issues by Sandra Glahn

2009-03-25T11:00:00.003+08:00

Posted below are links to several articles by Sandra Glahn on the issues of infertility and adoption. Sandra knows from personal experience how difficult infertility can be; she endured a decade of infertility treatment that included multiple pregnancy losses, three failed adoptions, and an ectopic pregnancy. She quotes Alice Domar, Ph.D., director of the Mind/Body Center for Women’s Health in Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center at Harvard Medical School: “The depression and anxiety experienced by infertile women are equivalent to that in women suffering from a terminal illness.”

P.S. Because some Filipinos intensely desire to have children, they have resorted to what is known as “simulation of birth” which is a criminal offense punishable by eight years of imprisonment. Please browse my Legal Updates blog post titled “Procedures in adoption under RA 8552” where I discussed the Philippine laws and procedures in adoption and what simulation of birth is.

Photo source: ChristianPhotos.Net - Free High Resolution Photos for Christian Publications

Men are terrible mind readers ...

2009-01-26T10:30:00.007+08:00

For the last two weeks, I have been teaching Literature to 2nd year students of the Asia Baptist Bible College (a ministry of the Sta. Mesa Baptist Bible Church under Rev. Joseph Boyd Lyons). Since I began teaching this subject, I have spent the first week of this one month long subject reading and discussing poetry (Shakespeare, John Milton, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Emily Dickinson, Omar Khayyam, Khalil Gibran, etc).

A consistent favorite among my students is the Philippines’ very own “Beyond Forgetting” written by Rolando Carbonell. As part of the graded activities, I require my students to recite “Beyond Forgetting” from memory. With some background music by guitar or piano, the students’ recitation of the poem can sometimes be, well, beyond forgetting …

Carbonell (who has seven earned doctorates!) wrote this love poem and several others for his wife in the 1960’s, if I’m not mistaken. I remember reading this collection of poems when I was an AB English student in Philippine Christian University in the late 70’s.

More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence

You might be wondering why I am talking about love poems in a blog that focuses on more practical issues in relationships, marriage and the family. Well, the persona in Carbonell’s poem, near the end of the poem, says, to wit,

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. For how could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But perhaps you didn’t understand.

“Silence is the language of my heart …” It’s great poetry, brimming over with passion that makes women swoon, but such sentiment about “silence speaking a more eloquent tone” is the stuff that breaks marriages apart. Or as someone has wisely put it, “More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence.”

Most experts in relationships and marriage will tell you that “communication is the key to your marriage.” In fact, there is a best-selling book by H. Norman Wright with these words as the title. Willard Harley Jr. in his classic book “His Needs, Her Needs” says that a man should spend at least 15 hours a week talking to his wife or girlfriend. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages” says that “Words of Affirmation” is a language that a lot of people speak. It is not silence, however eloquent it may be, but words of affirmation that bring vitality to a relationship.

The inability to talk to one another: symptom of a deeper problem

Dr. James Dobson, in his classic, best-selling book “Love Must Be Tough” (copyright 1983, 1996 by Word Incorporated; published 1999 in the Philippines by OMF Literature) however has a different take on the lack of communication between spouses. He says on page 26, to wit,

The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way one spouse begins to perceive the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That’s the key word, trapped.

But the fact is, during the intense, passion-filled days before marriage, a man and a woman can hardly keep themselves apart, talking, whispering, sharing secrets, plans, hopes, wishes and dreams. So what happens after marriage? The man retreats to reading his newspaper or watching the news on TV, while the woman tends the kids, watching the telenovelas by herself. So what happened? Too many wives and husbands have been hearing nothing from their spouses except for what Simon and Garfunkel said in their 1960’s hit song - the sounds of silence.

(Please read my post “Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?" You might also want to re-read my article "Love Potion No. 9" which discusses the effects of the so-called cuddle chemicals on the emotions of love, and what happens when these chemicals subside.)

Women’s foolish and persistent notion that men can read their minds

In the 1970’s the late Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder starred in a Superman movie that produced a hit song entitled, if I’m not mistaken, “Can you read my mind?” A common mistake that a lot of women make (okay, okay, some men also make this mistake) is assuming that their boyfriends or husbands can read their minds.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his website http://www.loveandrespect.com/ has a video clip where he narrates the story of a man and woman talking about where to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary. It’s a very funny clip, but it shows how wives can sometimes leave their husbands hanging in mid-air, not knowing what women really want. And all because women have this foolish and persistent notion that if their boyfriends or husbands are really in touch with their emotions, they would be able to read their minds and know what they want.

Lest you think that I am just being chauvinistic, let me cite two authors (female, mind you) who encourage women to say directly to their husbands what they really want. These are Gaye Wheat, co-writer of the book “Intended for Pleasure” (copyright 1977 by Fleming H. Revel, 1981, 1997 by Ed and Gaye Wheat; published in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and available in National Bookstore branches), and Dr. Laura Schlessinger (more popularly known in the US simply as Dr. Laura).

Gaye Wheat, in pages 153 and 154 of “Intended for Pleasure”, says to wit,

It is amazing how silent we women are on something as important as the sex act in marriage. We wish in silence or we suffer in silence or we hope that this time he will be different, that this time he will think of doing that which we long for him to do. Why not just tell him?

While Gaye Wheat makes this wise observation in the context of a wife’s sexual relationship with her husband, such advice for a wife to speak up and say what she wants can be translated into other areas of marriage.

I’m sure a lot of you are now reaching out for your Bible and searching for Proverbs 27:5 which says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.” Hebrew poetry is marked by parallelism, by the use of antithesis and synthesis. Most preachers have interpreted Proverbs 27:5 as an antithesis, but that’s wrong. The verse should be read together with Proverbs 28:234, Psalms 141:5 and Galatians 4:16, and should be interpreted as a synthesis. That is, if you love somebody, you should be brave enough, willing enough to confront that person about his errors and sins.

Men need direct communication from their wives

Dr. Laura has written a book entitled “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Probe Ministries, through Sue Bohlin, has a review of Dr. Laura’s book which you might want to check out. Dr. Laura says that women should realize that men need direct communication from their wives. Among other things, Dr. Laura says,

Men make terrible mind readers, so be direct. Dropping subtle hints doesn’t work with most men, and it doesn’t mean a man is insensitive, uncaring or oblivious.

The bottom line? Men cannot read their wives’ minds and neither should wives expect their husbands to be able to do so. It may be a lot less romantic for a woman to engage in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband, rather than dropping subtle hints here and there. But she will save herself a lot of heartaches and frustrations if she, as Gaye Wheat and Dr. Laura both say, engages in direct communication with her boyfriend or husband.

Marian Rivera, Karylle, mind reading and negative interpretations

2008-12-16T14:25:00.020+08:00

I love watching news programs and last night, probably the country’s most-watched story on 24 Oras and TV Patrol was that of Marian Rivera’s highly-emotional outburst against fellow entertainer Karylle (does she have a surname?). It turns out that rumors are swirling that Marian is pregnant presumably by Dindong, Karylle’s ex-boyfriend. When Boy Abunda asked Karylle in a TV program as to what she can say about the rumors, Karylle smiled. Before she could answer however, Boy Abunda ended the interview (if I got the story right, that is). Because of Karylle’s mysterious smile, Marian in a press conference cried her heart out, saying she was deeply offended.

Well, well, well, Marian, Karylle and Dingdong … I taught journalism in Quezon City Science High School and Rizal High School from 1983 up to 1996 and I didn’t know how entertaining the news can be. For a few minutes last night, I forgot all about Congress and Cha Cha, the RH bill controversy, and the worldwide economic meltdown.

Negative patterns that can destroy your relationship or marriage

Anyway, I’d like to recommend to you an article by Kerby Anderson from the Probe Ministries website entitled “Why Marriages Fail.” While the article concerns itself with married couples, Marian can learn a thing or two. In this article, Anderson cites four negative patterns that can destroy your relationship or marriage. These patterns are escalation, invalidation, negative interpretations, and withdrawal and avoidance.

With regards Karylle’s mysterious smile and Marian’s negative interpretation, let me cite Anderson’s discussion about negative interpretations and mind reading:

“Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. When a relationship becomes more distressed, the negative interpretations mount and help create an environment of hopelessness. The attacked partner gives up trying to make himself or herself clear and becomes demoralized.
Another kind of negative interpretation is mind reading. Mind reading occurs when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or why he or she did something. Nearly everyone is guilty of mind reading at some time or other. And when you mind read positively, it does not tend to do much harm. But when you mind read on the negative side, it can spell trouble for a marriage.

In a previous post, I mentioned an incident between me and a friend. The incident went like this:

I have a good friend (my former high school yearbook editor way back in 1992), and several years ago, we got into a big fight over this issue of a man opening a door for a woman. I had taken pictures for her office of several farms in Tagaytay. On our way home, at C-5 and Buting in Pasig, I helped a woman reporter with her young son get down from the vehicle we were on. After I helped this woman reporter, I got back into the vehicle, completely forgetting about my friend who was sitting at the front. It was too late when I realized I didn’t help her out and that my friend had gotten off the vehicle by herself.
That Sunday, I texted her and apologized for not helping her get out of the vehicle like the way I did for that woman reporter and her son. My friend sent back a flaming text reply, saying that she could take care of herself and that even with her boyfriend, she was very independent.
Well, I texted her back immediately. Ha! I’m a guy and I wouldn’t take that kind of flaming text message sitting down! Just kidding! Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” I texted her saying, as far as I can remember, with these words, “I didn’t think of you as being helpless but rather as a woman who should always be honored and respected.”
Notice how these patterns came into play with this incident between my friend and me. When I texted her and apologized for not helping her get off the vehicle, she texted back with a negative interpretation of what I meant. If I sent back to her my own flaming text message, we would have moved to an escalation of the misunderstanding between us. Instead I replied with a message that validated her. That message calmed down things between us (after a month, she texted me saying that she had used my name as reference for her application for a new job). Although she didn’t say “sorry” or apologized outright for her negative interpretation and flaming text message, I positively interpreted her action as her way of saying sorry.

Back to Marian and Karylle

I am sure there’s more to the Marian-Karylle-Dingdong story than what TV news programs or tabloids are reporting. And so we don’t really know the complete background. But my unsolicited advice to Marian is not to do mind reading and negative interpretations. She will get married one of these days (to Dingdong perhaps; he’s single and available, right?) and she will come to know what these negative patterns can do to a marriage.

It's 2:25 PM right now. It's four hours and five minutes before 24 Oras and TV Patrol. I can't wait to know about what's happening with Marian and Karylle. Hmm, there's ANC News on cable's Channel 27 at 6 PM. Does RPN 9 still have its 5:30 PM newscast? Maybe I can watch that and learn more about Marian and Karylle ...

“Want to get married?”

2008-12-10T02:29:00.014+08:00

A look at what “covenant marriage” is all about

Note: Presently, only Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana in the USA have covenant marriage laws. Americans who are residents of other states are however allowed to avail of these laws.

This article discusses [1] what a covenant marriage law is; [2] Philippine laws on marriage; [3] divorce and remarriage for Filipino citizens; [4] covenant marriage declaration and covenant marriage vows; [5] how fundamentalist and evangelical churches in the US started the covenant marriage movement; and [6] my proposal for a covenant marriage law in the Philippines.

Other topics I will discuss in this post are [7] the dreary statistics on divorce and live-in relationships; [8] 2,000 weddings daily in the Philippines; 95% of today’s single adults still deeply desire to be married; and [9] Filipinos are bound by our laws, wherever they may be in the world.

G. K. Chesterton once said, “When a man says I love you to a woman, what he really means is that, of all the millions of women in the world, I choose you.” This is such romantic stuff that a lot of you might think this article will be all about some mushy stuff. But truth is, we will be discussing some rather heavy legal stuff about marriage which could make you think twice before proposing or saying “I do.”

Philippine laws on marriage

The Family Code of the Philippines, specifically Article 1, defines marriage as follows,

Marriage is a special contract of permanent union between a man and a woman entered into in accordance with law for the establishment of conjugal and family life. It is the foundation of the family and an inviolable social institution whose nature, consequences, and incidents are governed by law and not subject to stipulation, except that marriage settlements may fix the property relations during the marriage within the limits provided by this Code.

Article 3 of the Family Code furthermore states that “a marriage ceremony takes place with the appearance of the contracting parties before the solemnizing officer and their personal declaration that they take each other as husband and wife in the presence of not less than two witnesses of legal age.”

Dreary statistics on divorce and live-in relationships

Too bad however that marriage has been taking a beating in recent years in terms of divorces and out-of-wedlock relationships. There is a controversy as to exactly what the divorce rate is in the US, with figures ranging from a low of 25% to a high of 50%. (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book “Love and Respect” cites the divorce rate in the US as 50%.) The Barna Research Group reported that in 1998, the divorce rate in the US among born-again Christians (27 percent) and fundamentalist Christians (30 percent was higher than no-Christians (23 percent). What’s more tragic is 85 percent said they obtained their divorce after they became Christians!

Here in the Philippines, the number of cases of annulment, legal separation and declaration of nullity of marriage has been rising through the years. The Office of the Solicitor General reported that in 2007, there were a total of 7,753 cases filed by persons seeking to terminate their marriage. Out of this number, 2,582 cases were filed in Metro Manila. The total number of this kind of cases has been rising through the years: 4,520 cases in 2001; 5,250 in 2002; 6,848 in 2003; 6,335 in 2004; and 7,138 in 2006. From 2001 to 2007, the OSG received a total of 43,617 cases of annulment and separation.

Because of the high legal costs of annulment cases, a lot more people are simply splitting up without going through judicial proceedings. The DSWD has reported that in the CALABARZON area, some 40% of couples are merely living in. The percentage translates into some 90,000 couples. Either these couples are first timers who simply do not believe in legalizing their marriage, OR they were previously married and because of the legal impediments, are now just living in with their present partners.)

Based on the 2000 Census of Population and Housing, of the 57.1 million Filipinos aged ten years and over,

One percent or 558,023 were either divorced or separated;
4.3 percent or 2.4 million were in live-in arrangements;
4.1 percent or 2.4 million were widowed;
45.7 percent or 26.1 million were married;
44 percent were single.

95% of today’s single adults still deeply desire to be married; 2,000 weddings daily in the Philippines

And yet, despite the dreary statistics on failed marriages and broken families, marriage experts Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot say that 95% of today’s single adults still deeply desire to be married. Census figures reveal that only about 5% of people in the US over sixty five years old have remained single. Almost everyone wants to marry, plans to marry and eventually does. Incidentally, the slideshow above shows wedding pictures of my former students (Leili and Ela) and friends (Ptr. Alen and Ruth). I shot the wedding pictures of Ela and Robert, Ptr. Alen and Ruth.

Contrary to popular belief, more Filipinos get married in May than in June. According to a 2006 National Statistics Office report, there were 593,553 weddings in 2003. The “marry-est” months of the year for Filipinos are May with over 2,000 weddings daily, followed by December and January. August registered the lowest number of weddings. Why? Most probably because August is the rainiest month of the year.

Back to top

Some time ago, a pastor told me of an American couple attending his church in a southern Luzon province. He told me that the husband wanted to know how he and his wife could get married here under Philippine law. The husband, fearful of the high divorce statistics in the US, said that since the Philippines doesn’t have a divorce law, his wife wouldn’t be able to divorce him if they were married (again) under Philippine laws.

The reasoning sounds good, the intention is definitely commendable but, sad to say, it’s legally flawed. Before telling you why this is so, please take note of the provisions of the New Civil Code of the Philippines cited below:

Art. 14. Penal laws and those of public security and safety shall be obligatory upon all who live or sojourn in the Philippine territory, subject to the principles of public international law and to treaty stipulations.

Art. 15. Laws relating to family rights and duties, or to the status, condition and legal capacity of persons are binding upon citizens of the Philippines, even though living abroad.

Art. 16. Real property as well as personal property is subject to the law of the country where it is stipulated.

However, intestate and testamentary successions, both with respect to the order of succession and to the amount of successional rights and to the intrinsic validity of testamentary provisions, shall be regulated by the national law of the person whose succession is under consideration, whatever may be the nature of the property and regardless of the country wherein said property may be found.

Art. 17. The forms and solemnities of contracts, wills, and other public instruments shall be governed by the laws of the country in which they are executed.

When the acts referred to are executed before the diplomatic or consular officials of the Republic of the Philippines in a foreign country, the solemnities established by Philippine laws shall be observed in their execution.

Prohibitive laws concerning persons, their acts or property, and those which have, for their object, public order, public policy and good customs shall not be rendered ineffective by laws or judgments promulgated, or by determinations or conventions agreed upon in a foreign country.

Filipinos are bound by our laws, wherever they may be in the world

What these provisions say, especially Article 15, is that wherever Filipinos may be in, whether in the Philippines or anywhere else in the world, they have to follow our laws on marriage, as provided for in the Family Code. Our general legal principle is “lex loci celebrationis” which means that if a marriage by a Filipino is valid in the country where it is celebrated, then it is considered as valid here in the Philippines. But this principle does not apply in cases or situations where the Family Code has declared certain “marriages” as incestuous, bigamous or null and void for reasons of morality or public policy. Thus, a marriage between Filipinos who are first cousins may be validly solemnized in some countries but such a marriage will not be recognized as valid here in the Philippines.Also, a marriage abroad by a Filipino below 18 years of age may be valid in other countries but not here in the Philippines.

A divorce obtained by a Filipino abroad will not be recognized here in the Philippines

On the basis of Article 15 of the New Civil Code, a divorce obtained by a Filipino citizen will not be recognized here. Please read the following articles I have written on the issue of divorce and remarriage for Filipinos:

Let’s go back to that American husband who wanted to get married under Philippine law to insure that his wife will not be allowed to divorce him. Any foreigner wanting to get married here in the Philippines is required by the Family Code (Article 21) to present a “certificate of legal capacity to contract marriage” from his embassy or consulate. Thus a marriage between foreigners can be solemnized here in the Philippines, but in relation to Article 15 of the New Civil Code which I cited above, it is American law, or more specifically, the law of the state where that American is a legal resident, which will govern whether he or his wife can file for a divorce. (Although Article 15 applies precisely only to Filipinos, based on the legal principle of “processual presumption,” we can infer that the principle is the same in American law.)

Like I said, that American husband’s intention was definitely commendable but his reasoning was flawed. So was that American husband simply to be left hanging in mid-air, going through the years, continually fearful that his American wife could divorce him at any time and practically for any flimsy reason under what is known as the “no-fault divorce” laws in the US? Not necessarily; I told the pastor to tell that American husband to convert or “upgrade” his marriage into a “covenant marriage.”

As of this date, only the states of Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana have what is known as “covenant marriage laws.” Here in the Philippines, we only have the kind of marriage provided for by the Family Code, also referred to as “contract marriage.” The Louisiana law on covenant marriage is Act 1298 of 1999, while Arizona’s covenant marriage law enacted in August 1998 is found in Sections 25-901 through 25-906 of the Arizona Revised Statutes. You can read the Arizona Supreme Court brochure on covenant marriage in PDF or Word doc format.

(It might interest you to know that US Republican Party presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee, formerly a Southern Baptist preacher, upgraded his contract marriage into a covenant marriage more than a year or two ago.)

Elsewhere in the US, only “contract marriages” are available, that is, a couple wanting to get married has to get a marriage license, and in front of two witnesses, take each other as husband and wife in a ceremony solemnized by an authorized person. (Articles 1 to 34 of the Family Code provide basically the same requirements for marriages by Filipinos.) If for some reason the marriage doesn’t work out, American couples can them resort to their state’s no-fault divorce, the main ground being irreconcilable differences. California was the first state to enact a no-fault divorce, in 1969. Since that time, nearly every state in the US has enacted a no-fault divorce law. It’s called as no-fault divorce, because neither party ascribes blame for the breakdown of the marriage on the other party.

Due to the alarming increase of divorce statistics since the introduction of no-fault divorce and as a reaction against same-sex marriages (sometimes called as “commitment ceremonies”), state legislatures like that of Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana enacted their covenant marriage laws. To put it simply, a covenant marriage law makes it more difficult to get married and even more difficult to get a divorce. Basically, besides the requirements for a contract marriage, persons wanting to enter into a covenant marriage need to fulfill the following requirements:

[1] They must go through a pre-marital counseling provided for a state authorized marriage counselor or by a religious minister. Such counseling includes the seriousness of entering into a covenant marriage as opposed to a contract marriage, and other aspects of married life including financial management.

[2] They must sign a contract or declaration stating that they have chosen their mates wisely and for life, and they bind themselves to seek counseling if their marriage encounters difficulties.

[3] The grounds for divorce are severely limited to adultery, physical or sexual abuse of the other spouse or of a child, abandonment for more than a year, drug or alcohol abuse, or when a spouse has been found guilty of a capital offense.

[4] The divorce proceedings are held in abeyance for a certain period, sometimes extending up to two years, while the couple undergoes marriage counseling.

Existing marriages in Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana are not affected by the covenant marriage laws, and persons with existing “contract marriages” can choose to convert their union into a covenant marriage. Of course, couples wanting to get married can choose, in the first place, a contract marriage instead of a covenant marriage.

Back to top

Covenant marriage declaration

In entering into a covenant marriage, couples are required to sign a “declaration” which goes like this:

We solemnly declare that marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman who agree to live together as husband and wife for as long as they both live. We have chosen each other carefully and have received premarital counseling on the nature, purposes and responsibilities of marriage. We understand that a covenant marriage is for life. If we experience marital difficulties, we commit ourselves to take all reasonable efforts to preserve our marriage, including marital counseling.

With full knowledge of what this commitment means, we do declare that our marriage will be bound by Arizona law on covenant marriages and we promise to love, honor and care for one another as husband and wife for the rest of our lives.

As I noted above, only Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana currently have covenant marriage laws. Sad to say, however, the covenant marriage bill in Oklahoma was defeated in the state legislature two or three years ago, despite the strong backing from Governor Frank Keating. In Oregon, Georgia and Texas, covenant marriage bills have passed only one house of the state legislature. (Wikipedia has a short but informative article about covenant marriage.)

Fundamentalist and evangelical churches started covenant marriage movement

The concept of covenant marriages however did not start with politicians and legislatures. Fundamentalist and evangelical churches in the US started what is now known as the “covenant marriage movement” which seeks to strengthen the institutions of marriage and the family. Just like the celebration of Mothers’ Day or Fathers’ Day, some churches have a designated “Covenant Marriage Sunday.” Dr. Bob Christensen has a covenant marriage ministry which offers documents that are social, moral and spiritual rather than legal contracts. Some of these contracts are the Covenant Marriage Document and the Pastor's Pledge.

There is even an unofficial, suggested covenant marriage vow poem being used by some churches. Phil & Cindy Waugh, former missionaries, also have their own covenant marriage ministries.

Dr. Gary Chapman, renowned marriage counselor, has also written a book entitled “Covenant Marriage” where he encourages couples to commit themselves to “steadfast loyalty, forgiveness, empathy, and commitment to resolving conflict so as to encourage each other in spiritual growth”. Chapman also shows how “communication and intimacy are two of the most important aspects in developing a successful covenant marriage.”

Back to top

A covenant marriage law for the Philippines

Like I noted above, the Family Code of the Philippines, specifically Articles 1 to 54 of Title I, provide only for “contract marriages.” Perhaps it’s high time for our Senate and the House of Representatives to get their acts together and pass a “covenant marriage law” patterned after that of Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana.

But taking our cue from the covenant marriage movement in the US, let’s not wait for our politicians to get their acts together. Churches and pastors should have a well-thought out, consistently applied pre-marriage seminars for their members contemplating marriage. Pastors should not be content with merely talking to the prospective bride and groom for an hour or two, engaging in general topics (Do you really love each other? Do you understand the seriousness of getting married? Do you know how to cook?) and calling it as pre-marriage counseling.

In Sunday sermons or in small group seminars, there should also be continuous education for husbands and wives. Our bookstores are overflowing with books and materials on marriage and relationships, on communication between spouses, etc, and the Internet itself is an almost inexhaustible source of materials on marriage and family life.

One book I highly recommend is Bill and Lynne Hybels’ book entitled “Fit To Be Tied” (copyright 1991; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade). Although I don’t necessarily agree with all of Bill Hybels’ theology and methodology, I can say that “Fit To be Tied” is one of the very best books I have ever read on marriage and family life. On page 35, Bill Hybels says,

Though I do few weddings now, earlier in my ministry I did all the weddings at our church. Sometimes there were three or four weddings per weekend. I would stand with my Bible open, explaining God’s guidelines for marriage. The radiant young woman and the excited young man would stand within fourteen inches of me, meeting my gaze with a beam of shared love and passion and electricity. Incredible! Then they would repeat their vows of lifelong devotion and float out of the chapel. Six months later they would crash like a plane out of the sky. Devastated. Crushed. Another dashed dream.

One idea on pre-marriage counseling I have had for years is this: Persons who want to get married should inform the pastor of their marriage plans months before the set date. The pastor then requires the prospective groom to be counseled, for several weeks, by the married men of the church, and the prospective bride by the married women, over a period of time. The prospective groom and bride then exchange counselors, that is, the groom is now counseled by the married women, and the bride by the married men. As a finale, the prospective groom and bride are counseled by the married men and women as one group. (Perhaps also, the prospective groom and bride can spend some time in the houses of some volunteer couples, so they can observe first hand what married life really is all about.)

There is a Biblical basis for this kind of marriage counseling I propose. It’s found in Titus 2:1-7 which say, to wit,

1. But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:
2. That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.
3. The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
4. That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5. To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
6. Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.
7. In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,
8. Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.

Two years ago, I talked with a newly married woman, offering to lend her my copy of Dr. Willard Harley’s book “Love Busters, Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.” Incredibly, she said that she didn’t need to read it, or any book on marriage and relationships for that matter, because her marriage was “God-ordained.” Contrast this naive belief with what Debra Evans says in her book “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Sexuality” (copyright 1997; published by Crossway Books, a division of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois). Speaking to wives about the realities of marriage, Evans says in page xiv,

“Marriage requires our strenuous commitment – a continuing, conscious effort to remain open and obedient to God’s transforming work in our lives – over a period, in many cases, of hundreds of months and thousands of days. A successive series of seasons will bring changes, some welcome and some not, to the cherished bond we share with our husbands. Adapting across a span of years takes us deep into the hidden places of our hearts.”

So, who wants to get married? Or perhaps, the right question to ask is, Who wants to have a covenant marriage?

I do! I do!

The family that Internets together stays together?

2008-11-04T17:17:00.008+08:00

I am sure that you have heard of Fr. Patrick Peyton’s famous quotation “The family that prays together stays together.” If we are to believe however a BBC news story entitled “Hi-tech brings families together” based on a Pew Internet report, it is now the Internet and mobile phones that are keeping families together. Consider some of the findings of the report:

[1] The Internet was often a social activity within families, with 51% of parents saying they browsed the web with their children.

[2] Using the Internet was often a social activity within families, with 51% of parents saying they browsed the web with their children.

[3] “Nuclear” families were more likely to have more hi-tech gadgetry in their home than almost any other group in the study. Multiple mobile phones were found in 89% of nuclear families and 66% had a high-speed net connection. The US national average for broadband is 52%. It also found that 58% of this type of family was likely to have more than two computers in the home.

[4] Many people use their mobile phone to keep in touch and maintain social ties with parents, siblings and children. Seventy percent of couples who both own a mobile use it every day to chat or say hello. In addition, it found, 42% of parents contact their children via their mobile every day.

[5] Fifty three percent of those questioned said that new technologies had increased the quality of their contact with distant family members, while 47% said it improved interaction with those they live with.

Any increase in time spent among family members is good news indeed. However, all is not well on this issue of the Internet and family ties.

Online murder, she wrote

Consider for example the Associated Press report by Mari Yamaguchi entitled ““Online divorcee jailed after killing virtual hubby”. The report stated that a 43-year old Japanese woman is currently facing a possible five year prison term or a fine of five thousand dollars for carrying out a virtual murder of her online husband in a popular interactive game. (Those of you who know about or are involved in “Half-Life” are familiar with the online world of relationships, avatars, social interactions and even real life business dealings.)

Well, according to the AP report, the woman’s avatar was divorced by her online digital husband. That sudden divorce made her so angry that she committed virtual murder by killing off her man’s online persona. She was not arrested for the virtual murder but for hacking into the man's account.

Chat rooms and online affairs: from virtual to real

I had previously written about the dangers to children brought by Internet pornography and to marriages by online affairs in chat rooms. Perhaps it’s a good idea for you to re-read that post about the dangers to children brought by the Internet. As to online affairs in chat rooms, here’s the specific portion of that post:

Probe Ministries, in an article by Kerby Anderson, points out a danger that lonely and bored housewives are falling into, that is, online affairs or the allure of cyber-relationships. Anderson, citing the work of Peggy Vaughn, states:

Peggy Vaughn is the author of “The Monogamy Myth” and also serves as an expert for America Online on problems caused by infidelity. She predicts that one “role of the Internet in the future will be as a source of affairs.” She is writing a second book on the subject of adultery and says she could base half of it just on the letters she receives from people who started an affair online.
An online affair (or cyberaffair) is an intimate or sexually explicit communication between a married person and someone other than their spouse that takes place on the Internet. Usually this communication takes place through an online service such as America Online or CompuServe. Participants usually visit a chat room to begin a group conversation and then often move into a one-to-one mode of communication. Chat room categories range from “single and liking it” to “married and flirting” to “naked on the keyboard.”
Women in a chat room are often surprised at what develops in a fairly short period of time. At first the conversation is stimulating, though flirtatious. Quickly, however, women are often confronted with increasingly sexual questions and comments. Even if the comments don’t turn personal, women find themselves quickly sharing intimate information about themselves and their relationships that they would never share with someone in person. Peggy Vaughn says, “Stay-at-home moms in chat rooms are sharing all this personal stuff they are hiding from their partners.” She finds that the intensity of women’s online relationships can “quickly escalate into thinking they have found a soulmate.” [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]
Online affairs differ from physical world affairs in some ways, but are similar in others. Cyberaffairs are based upon written communication where a person may feel more free to express herself anonymously than in person. Frequently the communication becomes sexually graphic and kinky in ways that probably would not occur if a real person were hearing these comments and could act on them. Participants in an online affair will often tell their life stories and their innermost secrets. They will also create a new persona, become sexually adventurous, and pretend to be different than they really are. [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

In that AP news report I mentioned above, Japanese police officers who arrested the woman said that she did not plot to carry out her revenge in the real world. Okay but I do question the state of mind of a person whose emotions can get so carried away by an imaginary, online world.

As to chat rooms and cyber-affairs, I personally know of one marriage that was shattered because the wife became involved in a real-life adulterous relationship with a man she had been chatting with in a singles chat room.

Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?

2008-11-03T11:00:00.003+08:00

I have a question for the married women among you.

Do you still remember your days of courtship when you were showered with flowers, letters, chocolates, gifts, dates, time, affection, sharing of plans and dreams, romantic conversations, etc? But where, oh, where are all these things now? Why is your persistent suitor (who fetched you at home at 5 in the morning, brought you out on dates after school or work, and then brought you back home late at night, never wanting to be apart even for a second) NOW a sullen, uncommunicative robot glued to the news or sports programs on television?

Okay, okay, I got carried away, that's three questions in all.

The joke is, Adam was the very first passive husband, who by his disinterest and passivity, allowed Eve to fall into sin. We could all still be in Eden if Adam had only paid a little bit of attention to what was happening to Eve! Too many jokes have indeed been told about passive husbands, and men themselves, in their candid moments, admit that they have oftentimes abdicated the leadership role in the family. As Ptr. Chuck Swindoll once said in a radio message, “Most families today are run by petticoat governments.”

(Do women still wear petticoats at this point in time? Maybe Ptr. Chuck needs to update his quotation.)

Passive men … Some twenty years ago, a powerful earthquake devastated Kobe, Japan. A news story (from Time or Newsweek, I can’t recall now) reported that while the men just stood around, doing nothing except talking with other men, it was the women who set about clearing the debris, putting back together what remained of their houses into order, etc. (Maybe it's a cultural thing with the Japanese about this kind of work being beneath men.)

I have personally dealt with couples involved in legal and financial problems, and it’s amazing that it is often the women who take the active steps in dealing with their problems. One woman called me up and as I began to ask her questions on what the problem was all about, she said almost apologetically, “Sir, you better talk to my husband. He knows more about the problem than I do.” I wanted to ask her, “Then why didn’t your husband call me up himself, instead of asking you to call me up?”

Reasons for passivity among husbands

I’ve done some reading from pastors, psychologists and marriage counselors, and I have discovered several reasons why persistent suitors become passive husbands. By passivity among husbands, I mean, being uninvolved with the children or family life, being more involved in work or hobbies, and being uncommunicative and unresponsive emotionally with their wives. In fairness to men (that includes me!), some of these authors place the blame for men’s passivity on women themselves.

Men get burned by their wives’ unrealistic expectations

Chip Ingram (pastor, marriage counselor and president of Walk Through the Bible ministries) said something about passive men during his seminar held at Greenhills Christian Fellowship over a month ago. I’m amplifying what he said and I hope that I am not mis-stating him. Well, Ingram said that oftentimes, women have high, unrealistic expectations of their husbands and of their marriage. At first, a husband tries to meet these expectations but as he struggles to do so, all he gets from his wife are criticisms and nagging, without even a word or two of encouragement for some small steps of progress. As he fails to meet his wife’s expectations, he begins to get discouraged, thinks that he's being judged unfairly, and feels that he will never measure up to his wife’s expectations. Result? He loses the interest or the motivation to change and thus becomes, what’s the word again? Ah yes, he becomes passive.

Most men have low expectations of their marriage

Dr. James Dobson, world-wide known authority on marriage, relationships and parenting, in his book “What wives wish their husbands knew about women”, says that loneliness, isolation, boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage are at the top of the list of sources of depression for women. In pages 64 and 65 of his book, Dobson bluntly states that most men are content with a business like partnership in their marriage, with sexual relations thrown in as part of the package. He says further that a husband is generally content if his wife is amiable and looks well after the home and the children. But Dobson clarifies that a woman is different, yearning to be loved and cherished as the most important person in her husband’s life.

Most men marry for safety; hesitant knights in shining armor

John Eldredge, in his book “Wild at Heart: Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” says in more poetic terms what Dobson said so bluntly about men. In the chapter titled “A Beauty to Rescue,” Eldredge states that “the theme of a strong man coming to rescue a beautiful woman is universal to human nature.” He cites the examples of Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Helen of Troy, Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Arthur and Guinevere, to prove that this theme is “written into our hearts as one of the core desires of men and women.” (I might add to his list of knights and maidens, Dingdong and Karylle … Or is it Dingdong and Marianne now? I’m getting confused.)

Anyway, Eldredge says of his own marriage that after ten years, he didn’t feel any love at all for his wife, and that divorce seemed to be the only viable option for them. Eldredge asks, “Where did all that passion go?” In page 184, he admits that like most men, he married for safety, marrying a woman whom he thought would never challenge him as a man. He says that like the knight in shining armor, he wanted to woo and win the beautiful maiden in the castle, but that he thought he could do it without bleeding or fighting for her. He concludes, “The number one problem between men and their women is that we men, when asked to truly fight for her … hesitate. We are still seeking to save ourselves; we have forgotten the deep pleasure of spilling our life for another.”

Gear shifting and changing tack

Bill and Lynne Hybels, in their book “Fit To Be Tied” (probably the best book on marriage and relationships I have ever read) give the most practical reason why a man becomes passive in his relationship with his wife. They say in pages 146 and 147 that men, by nature, are task- or goal-oriented, capable of focusing only on one thing at any given time. A man persistently showers his prospective wife with attention, affection and attention until the woman says "yes" to marriage. Right after the marriage however, the man shifts gears (or changes tack, in sailing terms) from getting the woman to say “yes” to working hard at his work or career. He does this gear shifting in good faith, thinking that he should now focus in providing for his family and getting ahead in his work or career.

For the man, this gear shifting is a function of his being task- or goal-oriented, of focusing on one thing at a time, and is a natural progression in his life. But for the woman he pursued so persistently and so passionately, the shift in his focus and attention (from her as a woman to his work or career), is an earth-shaking, Magnitude 8 betrayal. She thinks and feels that she has been deceived.

How a woman measures the quality of her marriage

Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus: Together Forever” says that today’s men do not realize that today’s women do not want financial security only but crave for emotional support from their husbands. Perhaps Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, has stated it more cogently than the male authors I have quoted. She says, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”

Note: Read also “Relating to the Emotionally Detached Man” by Dr. David Hawkins, Director, Marriage Recovery Center

And the bride wore white ... Seven secrets to sexual purity

2008-09-20T08:36:00.009+08:00

Note: I first posted this article December 10, 2007. I am reprinting it here to include the results of the 2002 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study conducted by the UP Population Institute and in view of the raging controversy over HB 3773 or the “Integrated Reproductive Health and Population Reduction Bill”. Please surf to the PRO-Life Philippines website for its critique of HB 3773.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Statistics on teenage pregnancies and sexual experiences

Dr. James Dobson, I think, said that a million teenagers in the US get pregnant every year. In the Philippines, according to the 2003 National Demographic and Health Survey, one out of four women become mothers by age 19 while four out of 10 women in the 20-24-year-old bracket have already engaged in sexual activity.

The 2002 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study (YAFS 3) conducted by the UP Population Institute and the Demographic Research and Development Foundation, Inc. revealed the following alarming statistics:

[1] Twenty-three percent of youth have engaged in premarital sex. A considerable number of sexually-active youth have had multiple partners, with almost half of the males (49%) and 11% of the females reporting more than one sex partner. One in five of the sexually-active males had paid for sex while 12% had accepted payment for sex. Prevalence of commercial sex is negligible among females, with less than one percent of the girls having paid or been paid for sex.

Over time, there has been an increase in the proportion of sexually active youth in the country, from 18 percent (among those aged 15-24) in 1994 to 23 percent in 2002. The age of first sex is also getting younger. Based on the 2002 survey, 1.2 percent of both young males and females have already engaged in sex before they turn 13 years old. Before reaching 18 however, the probability of engaging in sex increased sharply for males (28 percent) while 12 percent would have done so among females.

Previous analyses conducted by the UP Population Institute on the sexual behavior of Filipino youth have highlighted the increasing influence of peers on young people's decision whether or not to engage in sex. Peers have also been cited as important source of information regarding sex and reproductive health matters, along with the media.

[2] While nearly all (95%) young adults have heard of HIV/AIDS, 73% believe there is no chance of them getting HIV/AIDS.

[3] The percentage of young adults who think that AIDS is curable more than doubled between 1994 and 2002. In 1994, only 12.5% thought that there was a cure to HIV/AIDS. This increased to 28% in 2002.

[4] More males than females are familiar with sexually-transmitted diseases (70% vs. 63%) although males are more likely to think that AIDS is curable (30% for males vs. 26% for females).

[5] Thirty two per cent of Filipino teenagers (15-19 years old) knew that their single female friends are sexually active while 38 percent said that their single male friends have already engaged in sex. This interesting information provides yet another clue on the extent of sexual activity among Filipino teenagers.

In addition, their report on their friends' sexual activity also shows some degree of awareness on the possible consequences of sexual activity. They said that half of their female friends who have engaged in premarital sex got pregnant. Of this proportion, 4 out of 5 pushed through with the pregnancy and slightly more than half of those who went through with the pregnancy eventually married the father of their kids.

Among their unmarried male friends on the other hand, 4 in 10 claimed that their friends got somebody pregnant. Out of this number, 2 in 5 ended up marrying the mother of their kids.

On a more personal note, I have known of incidents involving unwed pregnancies and premarital sexual activities involving pastors’ kids and teenagers who grew up in church. One pastor asked me if he could solemnize a marriage between members of his church (both minors), the girl having gotten pregnant. I informed him that under the Family Code, no person below 18 can get married, even with parental consent. One pastor in Cavite who has become frustrated by what was happening to the young people in his church once asked me what to do.

I strongly support sexual abstinence and purity programs such as True Love Waits and Silver Ring Thing. One author I highly recommend to you (whether you are a mother or father, a teenager, a pastor or youth director) is Dannah Gresh.

Resources on sexual purity before and during marriage by Dannah Gresh

Dannah’s websites are www.purefreedom.org, www.secretkeepergirl.com and www.dannahgresh.com. Her books on sexual purity before and during marriage are “And the Bride Wore White”, “Pursuing the Pearl”, and “Secret Keeper Girl”.

November 2006, I gave a lecture for the BMP-HELP pastors conference in Tagaytay City. Rushing home to Manila in the afternoon, I got to OMF Lit Bookstore in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong just before 5 PM. From the love gift given to me by the pastors, I was able to buy at nearly seven hundred pesos the very last copy of “And the Bride Wore White”. March 2007, I gave this book as a graduation gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

In the Purefreedom website, Dannah and her husband Bob, explain what their ministry to young men and women is all about:

It is the mission of Pure Freedom to equip men and women of all ages to live a vibrant life of purity, to experience healing from past impurity if it exists in their lives, and to experience a vibrant, passionate marriage which portrays the love Christ has for his Bride the church.(Ministry verse: Ephesians 5:31,32)

Pure Freedom provides resources with radically-unique approaches to focus on specific issues that teen girls and/or guys face in the area of purity and holiness. Our events, the hallmark of our ministry, are about sexual purity and yet they are much more about the totality of a life submitted to the will of God in a quest to enjoy the blessings of His plan.

We believe that the temptation to fail sexually comes in different forms for girls and for boys. We also believe that they will one day enjoy God's gift of sex within the confines of marriage for different reasons. Whereas the girls are primarily emotionally driven, the guys are primarily driven by sight. Because of this dichotomy, it is vital that we educate them separately and emphasize different areas of temptation.

In their seminars for young men and women, Dannah and Bob have expounded on the Bible’s principles on sexual purity through their discussion of the Hebrew word "yada". In their website, they explain that "yada" is used to both refer to holy sexuality as in that between Adam and Eve AND to refer to the holy knowing that a man can know with God. It speaks of the emotional and spiritual nature of a relationship.

Seven secrets to sexual purity

Dannah, in her book “And the Bride Wore White”, discusses the following secrets to maintaining sexual purity:

[1] Purity is a process.
[2] Purity dreams of its future.
[3] Purity is governed by its value.
[4] Purity speaks boldly.
[5] Purity loves its Creator at any cost.
[6] Purity embraces wise guidance.
[7] Purity watches burning flames.

Dannah does not simply discuss things at a theoretical level. One of the very practical tips she gives in her book on how teenagers can stay sexually pure is to "stay public and stay vertical."

The quest for a pure, passionate marriage

The second book by Dannah Gresh which I have read is “Pursuing the Pearl” (it was a gift from Bro. David Witta and his family from Massachusetts, USA). In this book, she discusses what she calls “The Enemy’s Fake Pearls” which are [1] status and stuff; [2] social acceptance; [3] giving up and starting over; [4] pride and dreams.

Locally, this book costs around four hundred pesos. That is quite steep, but what Dannah says in page pages 62 and 63 are worth the price of the book. She warns her readers, “Sexual impurity is a zero tolerance arena. You are on shaky ground if there are emotional bonds being created between you and another man (or your husband and another woman).” Dannah explains that these bonds begin with little things like:

Innocently having lunch alone with a man

Seeking advice from a man about personal issues, especially marital issues

Seeking or accepting frequent praise or affirmation from the same man

Being or becoming comfortable with being alone in an office or a home together

Intentionally seeking out time to be with this man

Manipulating your schedule to see him

Spending time fantasizing about him

If you are parents concerned about your teenage kids and their sexual purity, a pastor or youth leader seeking to help your youth group, or a man or woman thinking of the best Christmas gift to give the love of your life, consider giving them any of Dannah Gresh’s books.

The only book by Dannah Gresh I haven’t read yet is “Secret Keeper Girl.” Two problems. One, as far as I know, there are no copies of this book locally. Two, even if it were available, how do I go about buying the book? Hey, I am a guy and I’m thinking, what would the store clerks say if I bought a copy of this book?

Relationship tips from Lois Lane and Superman, MJ and Spiderman

2008-09-02T08:30:00.014+08:00

About a week ago, while having lunch, I caught glimpses on cable TV of the 2006 “Superman” movie. You probably know the story. After several years of absence, Superman (played by Brandon Routh) came back to Earth. And why did he move away in the first place?

I didn’t get the see the whole movie but from what I understand, Lois Lane (played by the gorgeous Kate Bosworth) wrote a scathing newspaper article entitled “Why the world doesn’t need Superman” and that gave Superman a super-sized heartbreak that could only be healed in cosmic hibernation. Well at the end of the movie, Kate (I mean, Lois Lane) sits down before her laptop, begins typing “Why the world needs Superman” but couldn’t continue. Then tears start welling up in her eyes … (This scene reminds me of Omar Khayyam’s quatrain which goes like this: “Ah Love! Could you and I with Him conspire, To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire; Would not we shatter it to bits and then remold it nearer to the heart’s desire.”)

Lessons? Bite your tongue! Keep your mouth shut! Stop yourself from sending that flaming e-mail or text message! Oftentimes, in a fit of anger or jealousy, you say things that you really never meant to say. Or you said things in a harsh tone of voice. What's worse than not being able to take your words back is that, in this day and age of the Internet and mobile phones, the person you fought with can repeatedly review your flaming e-mail or text message. The Book of Proverbs in the Old Testament has numerous verses on wisely holding back our angry words. Perhaps you might want to review my post “Why Marriages Fail: He said, She said ...”

That was the 2006 movie. I just read from Wikipedia that in the current comics version of Superman, Clark Kent and Lois Lane are married. Yahoo! Hope springs eternal!

MJ and Spiderman: Lessons in communication, listening and forgiveness

You have probably seen the Spiderman movie series with Tobey Maguire (the wall-crawling hero) and Kirsten Dunst (MJ, the love interest). In the last scenes of "Spiderman 3", MJ looked absolutely stunning in a white blouse tucked into a black skirt. Do you remember that scene when Spiderman was in a restaurant about to ask MJ to marry him? MJ was so preoccupied with losing her starring role in a theater production. While she was trying to explain in the typical feminine way (that is, going around in circles before getting to the point of what was bothering her), Spidey interrupted her (so typical of men to interrupt!) and said that he knew exactly how she felt. MJ then walked out of the restaurant and Spidey's marriage proposal went unsaid.

Later on, Spiderman was in deep anguish over learning of the true identity of his uncle's killer. MJ then visited him in his apartment to offer all the love and emotional support that she felt he needed during that time of personal crisis. But Spiderman, out of pride and still nursing a broken heart, refused to accept whatever comfort MJ wanted to give him.

What's the lesson here? Spiderman should have taken that visit as a cue that MJ really cared about him. He should have forgiven and taken her back. (This is just a movie, okay? Of course, Spiderman had to act the way he did, otherwise the movie would not have proceeded the way the movie was written.)

Another lesson however is that when we do have to say sorry for whatever we may have said or done, we've got to say it in words, loud and clear, so that there won't be any misinterpretations. That calls for humility and swallowing our pride. Marriage counselors have said that a lot of times, a husband tenderly initiates lovemaking as his way of asking forgiveness from his wife. But that often backfires since the wife does not want to have sex when she is still stewing over their previous argument. As Emerson Eggerichs says in his book Love and Respect, "When a woman's spirit is crushed, her body is unavailable."

Well, well, well, Lois Lane and Superman, MJ and Spiderman, Kate Bosworth and Kirsten Dunst ... Wikipedia says that Beyonce Knowles will play Lois Lane in the next Superman movie. Hmm, I wonder what lessons in relationships we will learn from her ...

Relationship tip: Never say “never” or “always”

2008-09-01T08:20:00.000+08:00

When you are seriously arguing or engaged in a heated discussion with anyone (boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, a friend, etc), never use the words “never” and “always.” For example, never say, “You are never early for our appointments” or “You are always late.”

As Bill and Lynn Hybells say in their book “Fit To Be Tied”, “If we want our grievances to be taken seriously we must make accurate, truthful, realistic statements. Always and never will always – well, almost always – shift the focus away from the real issue.”

Lessons in love and life from Miriam Quiambao

2008-06-22T20:20:00.015+08:00

Yesterday, after wading through ankle-deep floodwaters along Ortigas Avenue and then having a dinner of spaghetti, warmed over chicken and some Milo, I sat down to read a Marie Claire magazine (Philippine edition) which had Miriam Quiambao on its cover. I did not buy the magazine, okay? My sister brought home this September 2006 issue, okay?

You probably know that Miriam Quiambao represented the Philippines and became first runner-up in the 1999 Miss Universe competition. She became a media celebrity after that, and her idyllic wedding in Boracay to a guy named Claudio was aired on local television. Her marriage has broken up however and she has returned quietly to the Philippines.

In that Marie Claire article written by Lara Parpan, Miriam candidly reveals the reasons why her marriage broke up. Here they are from Parpan’s interview:

“I prepared for the wedding, not for the marriage.”
“í was at that point in my life when I said: ‘Here I am. I’ve achieved my dreams career-wise. What’s next?’ I wanted to have a family …And here came this guy who seemed to fit my ideal – he could provide for me. All women look for someone who can provide for them.”
“I wanted to change my husband. I married him for an ideal that I created in my mind. Not for who he was.”
“I understand that for a guy, his priority is his work. But I felt neglected at times because when he got home, we didn’t get to talk much. We lacked those deep conversations that really bond couples.”
“The attraction between us was instant and I fell in love. He proposed to me three weeks into the relationship.”
“That’s when we were having difficulties with the long-distance relationship.”

My Family Matters website became online in December 2005 and since that time I have received more than a thousand e-mails and blog comments, mostly from women whose marriages have either already broken up or about to be. Let me share with you some of the things I have said to these women in crisis. Please take note that in this discussion, I do not wish in any way to put Miriam in a bad light or to belittle the heartaches she has gone through.

From Barbara to Miriam

Barbara DeAngelis is a well-known relationships expert whose book “Are You The One For Me?” became a New York Times number one bestseller. I do not subscribe to Barbara’s lifestyle or views but some things she said in her book really make sense in light of Miriam’s experience. For example, Barbara states in page 85 the seven wrong reasons for someone to be in a relationship:

Pressure (age, family, friends, etc)
Loneliness and desperation
Sexual hunger
Distraction from your own life
To avoid growing up
Guilt
To fill up emotional or spiritual emptiness

You probably guessed it right. Barbara’s reason number seven applies to Miriam’s case. Miriam had achieved everything she had set her eyes on and what was lacking? Ah yes, a dashing prince, a fairy-tale wedding, a family …

Miriam mentioned that she and her husband, while courting, had a long-distance relationship. Barbara, in page 309, characterizes long-distance relationships as a Toxic Time Bomb. She says, “The goal of two lovers in a ‘normal’ relationship should be to become more loving and intimate with one another. The goal of two long-distance lovers becomes to see each other.”

Miriam also said she and her husband lacked deep conversations and emotional bonding. Barbara states in page 197 nine fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner. Number seven in her list? “Emotionally unavailable.”

The cuddle chemicals

Miriam also stated that she and Claudio fell in love instantly and that her husband proposed to her three weeks into the relationship. At this point, you probably should read my article “Love Potion No. 9” where I discussed what the so-called “cuddle chemicals” are and how they impact our relationships. These chemicals are dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin. Vincent du Vigneaud won the 1955 Nobel Prize in Chemistry when he discovered, isolated and synthesized oxytocin and vasopressin.

Secular writer Eve Salinger says that, at the beginning stages, when a man and woman start getting attracted to each other, the human brain produces increasing levels of “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” which create feelings of exhilaration and lovesickness. Salinger says that as the romantic relationship loses its initial exhilarating buzz, “dopamine” and “norepinephrine” are replaced by “vasopressin” and “oxytocin” which promote bonding or a warm, fuzzy feeling between the man and the woman.

Please take note that these chemicals are reactive, meaning they don’t just kick into our systems for no reason at all and hold us hostage to their effects. There’s always first a stimulus - food, a breathtaking scenery, an attractive guy (okay, okay, you can use me as an example!) – that sets these chemicals into action. In one study for example, when women in good marriages were asked to think about their husbands, the oxytocin levels in their blood increased. The stimulus was the pleasing thoughts about their husbands, and the effect was increased oxytocin levels.

What are the practical applications for you in knowing all these things about the cuddle chemicals? Well, when you meet someone attractive and interesting (okay, okay, if you insist, you can use me again for an example!), the sparks will start flying but that’s only because of dopamine kicking into your system. Don’t jump to the conclusion that you’re truly falling in love. Give yourself time (lots of it!), and in a more stable emotional climate, you can better evaluate what your feelings are for that person. The exhilarating, romance-filled days will not last. That’s because, as researchers in neurochemistry say, the dopamine-fueled hyperactivity can damage the brain.

One, two, three …

In her Marie Claire interview, Miriam stated that she and Claudio had only known each other for about a year when they got married. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot in their book “Relationships” point out that the lifetime of most romantic relationships is only about two years, with a break-up occurring on the third year. Why? Well, they say that a man and a woman in the first year of their relationship are blind to the faults and defects of each other. Reality only sets in during the second year of the relationship, and the couple begins to notice the negatives in their partner’s attitudes, character and personality.

So how do you find true love?

Radio Bible Class has a booklet entitled “How Can I Know Who To Marry?” which discusses steps for choosing the right partner in life and marriage. Available in print or online, this article by Kurt de Haan uses the Old Testament example of Isaac and Rebekah in helping people discover who the right man or woman is. It’s a great read and I recommend it to you.

The only problem however is that, if you are familiar with Isaac and Rebekah’s story, they started out so well and yet, decades later into their married life, they ended up favoring one child over another, with Rebekah deliberately fooling a blind Isaac into giving Jacob the birthright that belonged to Esau.

Loving toughness for singles

One book I have read several times and which I have recommended to people who have asked me for help is Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” In a chapter entitled “Loving Toughness for Singles” (pages 201 to 213) Dr. Dobson discusses sixteen suggestions that will help unmarried men and women to conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart. Number one in Dr. Dobson’s list (and which you know by now, applies to Miriam’s case) goes like this: “Don’t let the relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase ‘too hot not to cool down’ has validity. Take it one step at a time.”

Earlier on in this chapter, Dr. Dobson stated, “It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters. I have observed that many relationships suffer from a failure to recognize a universal characteristic of human nature. We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that which we are stuck. We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession.”

Making marriage last a lifetime

I have cited the book “Fit To Be Tied” by Bill and Lynn Hybels numerous times in this blog . As I have said before, I do not agree with a lot of Bill Hybels’ theology and methodology. In terms of relationships and marriage, however, “Fit To Be Tied” is probably the best book I have ever read. I highly recommend it to you, whether you are single, engaged to be married or already married. I wish Miriam had read this book before she had gotten married.

I love “Fit To Be Tied” so much that I have already bought three paperback editions of this book. I gave the first two copies to friends as wedding gifts and the third copy is circulating among my Bible school students. I have a hardbound edition of this book which I bought from a second hand stall in SM Centerpoint two years ago. I am planning to give this book as a gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. The most beautiful woman in the universe is, of course. Angel Locsin. The third most beautiful woman in the universe? Well, who else but Pia Guanio. The fourth? Okay, okay, come to think of it, Miriam Quaimbao is it.

Wishing Miriam well

If I remember correctly, Miriam slipped and fell during the Miss Universe competition. But she picked herself up and moved on to win as first runner-up. Miriam’s marriage has broken up but she has picked herself up and is moving on. Miriam says in the last part of that Marie Claire article, “I’m now learning to love myself, respect myself and honor my preferences. I don’t have to change myself for someone else. I just have to be comfortable with who I am, warts and all.”

Well, well, well, lessons in love and life from Miriam Quiambao. Perhaps the profoundest thing I can ever say to Miriam is, “Go, girl!”

Happy Father's Day!

2008-06-13T02:05:00.008+08:00

The world will celebrate Father’s Day on Sunday, June 15. This early, I’d like to share with you a very popular selection entitled “Father’s Love Letter”, the video version of which has been viewed by million of people around the world. Father's Love Letter is a compilation of Bible verses from both the Old and New Testaments that are presented in the form of a love letter from God to the world. The Flash movie version (around eight minutes long) is available in English and more than 80 other languages. The website’s home page describes FLL in this way:

Father's Love Letter is a selection of paraphrased Scriptures. Each line in the Father's Love Letter message is paraphrased, which means we have taken each scripture's overall message and summarized it as a single phrase to best express its meaning.
The Power Of God's Word
This message has the ability to change lives because it is God's Word. The Bible describes God's Word as living & active, sharper than any two-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12) and promises not to return empty (Isaiah 55:11).
Countless Stories
We have heard countless testimonies from thousands of people all over the world who have had a life-changing encounter with God while experiencing the message found in Father's Love Letter.
This Letter Was Written For You ...
... and its words are penned from a God who loves you and desires to be the Father that you have been looking for all your life. Wherever you are in your journey, we hope that this love letter will encourage you, comfort you and guide you on your way home.

In a world of absentee or abusive fathers, FLL provides abundant hope, indeed a very rare commodity these days. I do have misgivings about FLL’s message. As Ptr. John Piper says in his book “The Passion of Jesus Christ” (page 29),

“There is only one explanation for God’s love for us. It is not us. It is ‘the riches of his grace’ (Ephesians1:7). It is all free. It is not a response to our worth. It is the overflow of his infinite worth. In fact, that is what divine love is in the end: a passion to enthrall undeserving sinners, at great cost, with what will make us supremely happy forever, namely, his infinite beauty.”

Be that as it may, below is the text of Father’s Love Letter. To view the Flash movie (English version), click here.

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.

Please do not be fooled by the mask I wear … Please hear what I’m not saying

2008-06-02T02:55:00.004+08:00

I took this picture some fifteen years ago during a choral interpretation competition in Rizal High School in Pasig City, Philippines. This school was once credited in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the world’s largest high school, with its total population at one point in time reaching up to 26,000 students. Several years ago, however, the school’s annexes became independent schools and the population of the main campus dwindled to around 8,000.

Anyway, you will notice that the faces of the students in this picture (except for about two students) are masked by dramatic make-up that complements their all-black attire. A selection that is very appropriate for this picture is the poem “Please Hear What I’m Not Saying”. This poem has had several variations floating around in the Internet and in print publications, oftentimes reported as having been written anonymously. However, the original version of this poem was written by Charles C. Finn. For more of his poetry, please visit Finn's website. Below is the original version of the poem as written by Finn.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Oftentimes, because of the fear of rejection and of being hurt (again!), we hold back from saying what we really think and feel for another person. I remember the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" starring Julia Roberts. The character played by Julia had always been in love with her male best friend but she just could not take the risk of telling him what she really felt. Until the time came when her best friend was engaged to be married (to a character played by Cameron Diaz). When Julia’s character and her best friend were on a leisurely trip in a boat, she thought about revealing to her best friend what she really felt. If I remember her lines correctly, she said, “Sometimes you just have to seize the moment and say out loud what you really feel. Otherwise, the moment will just pass you by.” But the moment came and went for Julia’s character and she just could not risk saying that she really was in love with him.

The Bible puts it very succinctly, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.”

RA 7610: preventing the sexual abuse of children

2008-05-29T15:50:00.003+08:00

As a schoolteacher, I have known several students who were sexually abused. One student (valedictorian of his high school class) was sexually abused when he was about seven years old by a relative. Another student was repeatedly sexually abused by his two older brothers

As a lawyer, I have been consulted by pastors and members on issues dealing with sexual abuse not only in their communities but also in their churches. One pastor who ministers in a depressed area in Metro Manila told me of numerous cases of girls being abused by their own fathers.

Republic Act 7610 is our country’s law on the prevention of child abuse and exploitation. Section 3 (b) of the law enumerates the various forms of child abuse, among others, as psychological and physical abuse, neglect, cruelty, sexual abuse and emotional maltreatment. In this post, I will focus on the issue of child sexual abuse and how parents, schools and communities can deal proactively with this problem.

There are numerous resources available on the Internet on the issue of child sexual abuse. What I will do in this post is to give highlights of these resources and provide the links so that you can read the articles in their entirety.

Facts and statistics on child abuse in the Philippines

[1] http://www.childprotection.org.ph/ is a website that features organizations in the Philippines, both state-run and non-governmental, that work on the issue of child protection. It is a project supported by the Arci Cultura E Sviluppo, Save the Children (UK) Philippines, and UNICEF Manila with the participation of eight other organizations. Among its statistics on child abuse are:

There are 1.5 million streetchildren. DSWD estimates that this number increases annually by 6,365.

Of the 1.5 million streetchildren, 60,000 are prostituted (ECPAT 1996). The DSWD claims that the annual average increase of prostituted children is 3,266.

The Philippines is the fourth country with the most number of prostituted children (Intersect, December 1995).

Research studies conducted in schools show that for every 3 Filipino children, one child experiences abuse (Manila Bulletin, 11 February 1996). During the first semester of 1999 alone, there were 2,393 children who fell prey to rape, attempted rape, incest, acts of lasciviousness and prostitution (DSWD 1st semester, CY 1999).

[2] Most Negros rape victims are children, from Philippine Daily Inquirer Visayas Bureau, by Romey G. Amarado

Police recorded a total of 145 rape cases in Negros Oriental between January and June this year. 122 of them were children according to the Women and Children's Concerns Desk (WCCD) of the PNP. Of the 51 cases that were directly recorded by the WCCD, 42 of them were children, half of them under the age of 12 and the rest, aged 15 to 17. The majority of the victims were girls and the youngest was a four-year-old boy raped by his uncle in Dumaguete City. Two cases were incest; eleven and sixteen year-old girls were the victims.
Last year 94 cases were reported, 70 of these were children. Twenty-four of the victims were 12 years old and younger. The youngest victim in 2000 was a two-year-old girl. Researches hold that most cases of rape are unreported and for every one that is reported at least ten more can be presumed. The WCCD is conducting children's rights awareness seminars which in turn, seems to be resulting in more reports of child abuse.

Myths and facts about sexual abuse

One great secular resource on child sexual abuse is the blog Telling It Like It Is, with articles written by Lin Burress. Very candidly, Lin reveals that she was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Despite learning all she could about the issue and teaching her children about the warning signs, Lin says that “one of her sons was sexually abused at a young age by a highly respected church minister and close family friend, inside the church she attended at that time.”

In Lin's article entitled “Child Molestation Prevention Signs and Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse”, she tackles the issues of (a) Signs of Sexual Abuse; (b) Why Don’t Children Tell? and (c) What Can Parents Do To Keep Children Safe?" Lin warns that:

Most sexual abuse is committed by people the child already knows such as friends, relatives, caregivers, trusted adults as well as complete strangers. Sexual abuse takes many forms and can involve forcing, coercing, bribing or threatening a child into sexual activity. The abuse often begins gradually and increases over time unless discovered.

Among other valuable articles in Lin’s blog are the following:

Danger signals about sexual predators; local resources available

The Center for the Prevention & Treatment of Child Sexual Abuse (CPTCSA) is a non-profit, non-government, child-focused institution working towards a safe world for children free from sexual abuse exploitation. This NGO, based in UP Village, Quezon City, has numerous materials on the prevention of child sexual abuse, including a ten-session Sunday School material. Some materials are free while others are for sale.

In its flyers and posters, CPTCSA enumerates some of the early warning signals and telltale signs of sexual offenders which children - and their parents - should be aware of. These are:

[1] Offender says you are special, different or the only one who really understands him
[2] Treats you differently from other kids; gives you special privileges; treats you like an adult while he acts like a kid
[3] Says he is teaching you sex education by showing you pornographic pictures or movies; he shows his body or touches yours
[3] Puts lotion or ointment on you when your mother or others are not around (even when you don’t need the ointment)
[4] Offenders hang around school, yard or park where children play; tells you “not to tell” or asks to “keep a secret”
[5] Does not let you have friends or does not let you do things that other kids your age do
[5] Comes into your bedroom for no reason
[6] Asks you to do things that involve physical contact or touching of private parts
[7] Offender wants to spend time alone with you; makes excuses for you to go places with him
[8] Asks questions or makes accusations about sex between you and your boyfriends

[9] “Accidentally” comes into the bathroom when you are taking a bath; not respecting your privacy
[10] May fool your parents into allowing you to be “friends” through bribes and other tricks

The CPTCSA books and flyers also list “Wants to take your pictures” as an early warning signal and telltale sign of sexual offenders, but since photography is the number one hobby in the world, this sign should be taken not in isolation but in relation with the other warning signs.

Valuable resources on the issue of child sexual abuse and prevention

If you want to avail of print materials and videos on the issue of child sexual abuse and how you can proactively deal with this problem, please surf to the Reformed Churches in America website.

“Sacred Romance” and other books by John Eldredge

2008-05-16T11:20:00.003+08:00

Early morning today, according to my Bravenet site meter, my Legal Updates blog reached beyond 10,000 visitors since October 2007. With a daily average of 70+ visitors from more than 50 countries around the world, some 25,000 viewers will visit that blog this year. Considering the time spent on site and number of page views, not all of these visits are or will be significant. But the figures are gratifying for any blogger, nevertheless.

The service I provide in my blogs and in my Family Matters website is free legal information and Biblical counseling. As I told one person who e-mailed me, what is legal is not always Biblical, and what is Biblical is not always legal. In my website and blogs however, what is Biblical will always take precedence.

Despite this milestone for the Legal Updates blog, two things sadden me:

One, the most visited pages of the Legal Updates blog are those dealing with annulment or declaration of nullity of marriage; the article I wrote about entertainer Amy Perez’s petition to have her marriage to Brix Ferraris declared null and void; and the article dealing with adultery, concubinage, and psychological violence.

Two, there are more people who visit the Legal Updates blog than this blog you are viewing right now (Salt and Light). Compared to Legal Updates, this blog is limping along with only 5,000+ visitors since October 2007. It seems that there are more people who want to know about how to end their marriage than people concerned about building stronger marriages.

I remember Valentine’s Day last year. I received an e-mail from a woman, competent and highly successful in her profession. The problem was, her professional success had led to the breakdown of her marriage because her husband had become totally insecure. The question she desperately asked me was, “Is there hope for my marriage?” I spent the whole afternoon of that Valentine’s Day answering the e-mail, assuring her that yes, there was still hope for her marriage.

Anyway, on this significant day, please let me share with you some of the delights I have had in reading John Eldredge’s books. I do not agree with everything Eldredge says, but in terms of writing style, I think he is one of the best I have read. (Probe Ministries for example criticizes Eldredge for equating manliness with recklessness.)

“The Sacred Romance”

The very first book by Eldredge I read was “The Sacred Romance” (co-written with Brent Curtis). I got hooked on the book after I read the back cover and the first two pages. I could not put the book down after that and I read it through. I gave that first copy of “Sacred Romance” to a former high school yearbook staffer as a birthday gift. (She told me later that her father read the book before her; she gave birth recently to her first child named Sean Elijah.)

I then bought another copy of “Sacred Romance” and read it through again. Around four years ago, I gave that second copy to a very special woman. I told her that if there was only one book I could ever give her, it was “Sacred Romance.”

Here’s an example of Eldredge’s excellent writing from the chapter entitled “God the Ageless Romancer” which is actually the core of the book.

We so long for life to be better than it is. We wish the beauty and love and adventure would stay and that someone strong and kind would show us how to make the Arrows go away. We hope that God will be our hero. Of all the people in the universe, he could stop the Arrows and arrange for just a little more blessing in our lives. He can spin the earth, change the weather, topple governments, obliterate armies, and resurrect the dead. Is it too much to ask that he intervene in our story? But he often seems aloof, almost indifferent to our plight, so entirely out of our control. Would it be any worse if there were no God? If he didn't exist, at least we wouldn't get our hopes up. We could settle once and for all that we really are alone in the universe and get on with surviving as best we may.

This is, in fact, how many professing Christians end up living: as practical agnostics. Perhaps God will come through, perhaps he won't, so I'll be hanged if I'll live as though he had to come through. I'll hedge my bets and if he does show up, so much the better. The simple word for this is godlessness. Like a lover who's been wronged, we guard our heart against future disappointment.

When we feel that life is finally up to us it becomes suffocating. When we are the main character, the world is so small there's barely room to move. It frees our souls to have something going on before us that involves us, had us in mind, yet doesn't depend on us or culminate in us, but invites us up into something larger. And what about the Romance and the Arrows? It wasn't supposed to be like this. Once upon a time we lived in a garden; we lived in the place for which we were made. There were no Arrows, only beauty. Our relationships weren't tainted with fear, guardedness, manipulation, quid pro quo. Our work was rewarding; we received more than we gave. There is beauty, and we so long for it to last; we were made for the Garden. But now there is affliction also, and that is because we live East of Eden. The Arrows seem like the truest part of life, but they are not. The heart of the universe is still perfect love.

Finally, if we try to relate to God primarily as Author, we will go mad or despair–pretty much the same thing. I just can't imagine the characters of a novel affecting the author that much. He may like them, hate them, be intrigued with mapping out their development, but they don't impact him the way the people in his real life do. He doesn't live with them as flesh-and-blood lovers. But when we see God as the Hero of the story and consider what he wants for us, we know one thing for certain: We affect him. We impact the members of the Trinity as truly as they do each other. It is only when we see God as the Hero of the larger story that we come to know his heart is good.

Other books by Eldredge I have read are “Wild At Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul” and “The Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We’ve Only Dreamed Of”. Barnes and Noble provided the synopsis of the books below and you can read sample chapters also from Barnes and Noble. You can buy copies of these books locally from OMF Lit in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong, in PCBS outlets, and Back to the Bible Bookstore in West Avenue. Eldredge’s books are a little bit expensive (“Sacred Romance is about four hundred pesos) but they are definitely worth every peso.

The Journey of Desire: Searching for the Life We’ve Only Dreamed Of

Synopsis by Barnes and Noble (sample chapter available)

Sometimes it seems we just can't get what we want. Circumstances thwart our best-laid plans. We struggle to live a heartfelt life. Worst of all, says Eldredge, the modern church mistakenly teaches its people to kill desire (calling it sin) and replace it with duty or obligation (calling it sanctification). As a result, at best Christians tend to live safe, boring lives of resignation. At worst, their desire eventually breaks out in destructive ways such as substance abuse, affairs, and pornography addictions. In The Journey of Desire, Eldredge invites readers to rediscover God-given desire and to search again for the life they once dreamed of.

Wild At Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul
Synopsis by Barnes and Noble (sample chapter available)

God designed men to be dangerous, says John Eldredge. Simply look at the dreams and desires written in the heart of every boy: To be a hero, to be a warrior, to live a life of adventure and risk. Sadly, most men abandon those dreams and desires-aided by a Christianity that feels like nothing more than pressure to be a "nice guy." It is no wonder that many men avoid church, and those who go are often passive and bored to death. In this provocative book, Eldredge gives women a look inside the true heart of a man and gives men permission to be what God designed them to be-dangerous, passionate, alive, and free.

Happy Mothers' Day!

2008-05-10T10:07:00.010+08:00

I posted the “All about women” article below two years ago and I am reprinting it here in view of the worldwide celebration of Mothers’ Day tomorrow. My mother died August 2004 at age 80 of an inoperable heart condition. I am missing her right now, not because I am sick with slight fever, cough and cold, but because of everything she had done for me.

Before you get into the article, however, for mothers in particular and women in general, this excerpt from “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul” (by John Eldredge and his wife Stasi) may excite, intrigue and arouse your interest about what it really is to be a woman. Okay, okay, even men like me can learn to appreciate knowing the core of femininity. Okay, here we go!

The mystery of the feminine heart was meant to be a good thing, by the way. A source of joy. Yet it has become a source of shame - women almost universally feel that they are "too much" and "not what they should be." And men tend to pull away from the deeper waters of a woman's soul, unsure of what they will find there or how to handle it. And so we have missed the treasure that is the heart of a woman, missed the richness femininity was meant to bring to our lives, missed the way it speaks to us of the heart of God.

Rest assured - this is not a book about all the things you are failing to do as a woman. We're tired of those books. As a new Christian, the first book I (Stasi) picked up to read on godly femininity I threw across the room. I never picked it up again. In the twenty-five years since, I have only read a few I could wholeheartedly recommend. The rest drive me crazy. Their messages to women make me feel as though, "You are not the woman you ought to be - but if you do the following ten things, you can make the grade." They are, by and large, soul-killing. But femininity cannot be prescribed in a formula.

We have women friends who love tea parties and china, and friends who break out in hives at the thought of them. We have women friends who love to hunt, bow hunt even. Women who love to entertain and women who don't. Women who are professors, moms, doctors, nurses, missionaries, dentists, homemakers, therapists, chefs, artists, poets, rock climbers, triathletes, secretaries, salespeople, and social workers. Beautiful women, all.

So - is a true woman Cinderella or Joan of Arc? Mary Magdalene or Oprah? How do we recover essential femininity without falling into stereotypes, or worse, ushering in more pressure and shame upon our readers? That is the last thing a woman needs. And yet, there is an essence that God has given to every woman. We share something deep and true, down in our hearts. So we venture into this exploration of femininity by way of the heart. What is at the core of a woman's heart? What are her desires? What did we long for as little girls? What do we still long for as women? And, how does a woman begin to be healed from the wounds and tragedies of her life?

Sometime between the dreams of your youth and yesterday, something precious has been lost. And that treasure is your heart, your priceless feminine heart. God has set within you a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring. No doubt it has been misunderstood. Surely it has been assaulted. But it is there, your true heart, and it is worth recovering. You are captivating.

So we invite you to take a journey with us, a journey of discovery and healing. For your heart is the prize of God's Kingdom, and Jesus has come to win you back for himself - all of you. To help your journey, we've written Captivating: A Guided Journal. You might want to use it as you read this book. And, gather a group of women and go through it together! We pray that God will use this book in your life, in your heart, to bring healing, restoration, joy, and life! And if God does that, it will be cause for a wonderful celebration. With teacups and china. Or paper plates. Whatever. One day, we will all celebrate together. In anticipation and hope, may this little book draw you closer to God's heart - and your own.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

All about women: Move over, Jang Geum!

I have a deep and dark confession to make to all of you.

Since last year, I have been completely out of touch with millions of Filipinos …

Okay, okay, enough already. I’m getting so melodramatic in this introduction that some of you might be jumping to wild conclusions about what this is all about. Actually, what I want to say is that last year, when millions of Filipinos were glued to their television sets nightly watching GMA 7’s “Jewel in the Palace” I didn’t have a clue what the fuss was all about. The Koreanovela began and ended, and all I got to view was a few minutes of the show while I was riding on a Crossing bound aircon bus traveling along Ayala Avenue.

The only inkling I had of the show’s enormous popularity was when I heard a well-known Filipino pastor speak at length in a world missions conference about how he was forced to watch the show (its stars like Jang Geum and various cooking techniques) simply because his wife adamantly refused to watch any other show during that time slot.

Well, I found about two or three weeks ago, while waiting for the 6:30 news on television, that due to enormous public demand, “Jewel in the Palace” was being aired again by GMA 7. I’m catching snatches here and there of the show, of Jang Geum and kitchen politics in the royal palace, while I’m channel surfing waiting for the news programs to come on. Truth to tell, I just can’t relate to a show where the men wear funny looking hats! Give me the telenovela “Gokusen” anytime! The only Korean words I know and like are Tae Kwon Do, Hwa Rang Do, Tang Soo Do, Kuk Sool Won and Hapkido. (Some of you might know that all of these terms refer to Korean martial arts, with Hwa Rang Do founded by Joo Bang Lee, Tang Soo Do popularized in the US by Chuck Norris and his spinning back kick, and Hapkido featured in the 1970’s “Billy Jack” movies starring Tom Laughlin and Bong Soo Han.)

Anyway, I can’t argue with millions of Filipino women (and about several hundred men) who passionately follow the triumphs and travails of Jang Geum and who hold her up as the ideal woman. So if it suddenly becomes quiet in your neighborhood tonight, you’ll know that it’s Jang Geum time.

Sex is a gift of God that strengthens the marriage bond

While browsing in a used books stall in SM Centerpoint, Sta. Mesa, Manila more than a month ago, I found a book by Debra Evans entitled “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Sexuality” (copyright 1997; Published by Crossway Books). Okay, okay, I know some of you are now shaking your heads and wondering why I would be reading this kind of a book. Well, for two reasons. One, I will give this book as a gift to my future wife, whoever she might be by God's gracious provision. Two, I want to understand what makes women tick, so to speak. I think it was poet John Donne who said, “Every woman is a science.” In the 1970’s I had a National Science Development Board engineering scholarship in UP Diliman. I lost the scholarship when I failed Physics 41, Math 53, Engineering Science I, and barely passed Chem 17. Hmm, this must be the reason why I don’t understand women…

Evans, a healthcare educator specializing in women’s health issues and family wellness, clearly discusses, with charts and detailed illustrations, the practical, physical and physiological aspects of sex within marriage, the female anatomy, childbearing, family planning, etc. from a medical and Biblical viewpoint. In one of the annexes to her book, Evans summarizes the Judeo-Christian views of sex, in opposition to the humanistic and hedonistic views. Some of these views are:

[A] Origin of human life: Humans were created in the image of their Creator God.

[B] Purpose of sex: Sex is viewed as a means to an end: (1) The means through which “two become one flesh.” (2) To make the earth fruitful for God. (3) An end to “aloneness” and emotional isolation.

[C] Acceptable forms of sexual expression: Sexual activity between a man and a woman within marriage only.

[D] View of sex as it relates to the family: Sex is a gift of God that strengthens the marriage bond; children are viewed as a blessing, and certain forms of sexuality are viewed as destructive to sexual identity in all situations: adultery, prostitution, rape, promiscuity, incest, bestiality, homosexuality, pornography, exhibitionism.

[E] Individual rights: An individual expresses his or her sexuality in accordance with the will of God as laid out in the Bible; he or she belongs to God. Each spouse’s body belongs to the other.

[F] Belief in an afterlife: Beyond death lies heaven or hell, eternal life or eternal damnation.

[G] Accountability: Each individual is accountable to a personal Creator for his or her choices, words or actions.

Menstruation and the Levitical law

The Old and New Testaments mention that a woman while having her menstrual period is considered as “unclean.” For a lot of people reading these Bible passages, especially Leviticus 15:19-21, 24 and 31, all this talk of a woman being “unclean” smacks of gross ignorance, chauvinism and prejudice against women. But Evans explains in pages 65 and 66 of her book the reasons for the Levitical prohibitions on touching an “unclean” woman or anything she uses or touches. Evans explains that the menstrual flow comes from the discharge from the endometrium and blood from the capillaries lining the uterus. This discharge leaves the female body in a clean state but becomes a medium for bacterial growth once it is exposed to air, leading to diseases and infections. Evans reminds her readers that at the time of the Levitical law, Jewish women lived in the desert, without a reliable source of water, without soap (invented only in the 1800’s) and definitely without the sanitary items women today can simply buy at any store. She says that the Levitical prohibitions were God's omniscient way of protecting the health of the Jewish people.

Except for her view on mutual submission, I highly endorse Debra Evans’ book to you. There’s a phrase Evans used twice or thrice in her book that completely took me by surprise by its frankness and uniqueness (she first used the phrase in page 77, if I remember correctly). The phrase is …. Nah, I can’t tell you in public, not like this! Read the book! Read the book!

Other books by Evans which you might be interested in are the following: Heart and Home; Beauty for Ashes; Preparing for Childbirth; Preparing for Childbirth; The Woman’s Complete Guide to Personal Health Care; Women of Character; Kindred Hearts; and, Blessing Your Husband.

Great materials from the Women Today Magazine website

One website which the women among you might be interested in is “Women Today Magazine” published, if I’m not mistaken, by Campus Crusade for Christ. There’s a link to this website from this blog; look for it on the right hand column. Okay, okay, I’ll make it easy for you. To get to Women Today Magazine website, just click here.

I’ve browsed the site and found it chock-full of great articles for women. Okay, okay, I know some of you are now definitely shaking your heads and wondering why I would be browsing this kind of a website. Well, for two reasons …

“What wives wish their husbands knew about women”

One book which you might really be interested in reading, whether you’re a man or a woman, is Dr. James Dobson’s “What wives wish their husbands knew about women” (copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc; published by Living Books). The book is a worldwide bestseller, having sold more than two million copies, and the words on the frontispiece really get your attention – “Women have needs men don’t understand.” In this book, Dobson enumerates and discusses the top ten problems women face:

[1] Low self-esteem
[2] Fatigue and time pressure
[3] Loneliness, isolation, and boredom and absence of romantic love in marriage
[4] Financial difficulties
[5] Sexual problems in marriage
[6] Menstrual and physiological problems
[7] Problems with the children
[8] Problems with in-laws
[9] Aging

Number [3] in the enumeration above is actually a combination of two related problems – absence of romantic love leading to loneliness, isolation and boredom. The book is available locally in Christian bookstores like OMF Lit, PCBS, etc.

While Dobson wrote this book 31 years ago from a survey of American women, I would dare say that his findings and discussions still hold true today not only for Americans but also for Filipino women.

Bored, lonely housewives and the temptations of online affairs

When Dobson wrote this book in 1975, computers were clunky, room-sized contraptions powered by vacuum tubes (later on by transistors) and miles of electrical wiring. The Internet was then a highly technical tool used exclusively by the military and university researchers, and meant for making communicating with one another possible in case of a nuclear war. Today, 900 million people use the Internet (e-mail, websites and chat rooms) on a daily basis for professional, educational and personal purposes. Probe Ministries, in an article by Kerby Anderson, points out a danger that lonely and bored housewives are falling into, that is, online affairs or the allure of cyber-relationships. Anderson, citing the work of Peggy Vaughn, states:

Peggy Vaughn is the author of “The Monogamy Myth” and also serves as an expert for America Online on problems caused by infidelity. She predicts that one “role of the Internet in the future will be as a source of affairs.” She is writing a second book on the subject of adultery and says she could base half of it just on the letters she receives from people who started an affair online.

An online affair (or cyberaffair) is an intimate or sexually explicit communication between a married person and someone other than their spouse that takes place on the Internet. Usually this communication takes place through an online service such as America Online or CompuServe. Participants usually visit a chat room to begin a group conversation and then often move into a one-to-one mode of communication. Chat room categories range from “single and liking it” to “married and flirting” to “naked on the keyboard.”

Women in a chat room are often surprised at what develops in a fairly short period of time. At first the conversation is stimulating, though flirtatious. Quickly, however, women are often confronted with increasingly sexual questions and comments. Even if the comments don’t turn personal, women find themselves quickly sharing intimate information about themselves and their relationships that they would never share with someone in person. Peggy Vaughn says, “Stay-at-home moms in chat rooms are sharing all this personal stuff they are hiding from their partners.” She finds that the intensity of women’s online relationships can “quickly escalate into thinking they have found a soulmate.” [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

Online affairs differ from physical world affairs in some ways, but are similar in others. Cyberaffairs are based upon written communication where a person may feel more free to express herself anonymously than in person. Frequently the communication becomes sexually graphic and kinky in ways that probably would not occur if a real person were hearing these comments and could act on them. Participants in an online affair will often tell their life stories and their innermost secrets. They will also create a new persona, become sexually adventurous, and pretend to be different than they really are. [emphasis by boldfacing supplied - GTG]

“A Woman Among The Pillars”

In a previous article “Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?”, I mentioned Stu Webber’s book “Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart” (reprinted locally by OMF Literature). As I mentioned in that article, Webber is a man’s man. After training as an Airborne Ranger, he fought in Vietnam with the battle-hardened 5th US Special Forces. A bonus part of Webber’s book is the postscript “A Woman Among The Pillars.” Here, Webber discusses the ways women can support the King Pillar of their husband’s hearts:

[1] Read, learn, apply and learn.
[2] Love unconditionally.
[3] Listen intently.
[4] Don’t expect him to meet all your emotional needs.
[5] Understand the power you have.
[6] See your husband as God’s gift to you.
[7] Appreciate the little things he does, as well as the “big” things.
[8] Give him some space.
[9] Physically appreciate him
[10] Follow his leadership.
[11] See your marriage as a journey, not a destination.

The definitive woman

Anyway, we really don’t have far to go if we want a portrait of the definitive woman, to know what the ideal wife is and what she does for her husband and children. We only have to pick up our Bible, open it up to the Old Testament and turn to Proverbs chapter 31. Not much is known about King Lemuel according to Bible scholars, but it is a common mistake to say that he wrote Proverbs 31. If you look closely at verse 1, you’ll know that these words were given and taught to him by his mother.

Proverbs 31, King James Version

10. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14. She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
18. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. 19. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
23. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Hey, in case you didn’t notice, with the woman described in Proverbs 31 above, there aren’t any issues of low self-esteem, loneliness, boredom, the lack of romantic love … Perhaps, Dr. Dobson, in pages 185 and 186 of his book, best sums it all up when he states:

We have been examining, I believe, a single problem with ten different manifestations. Simply stated, the family was designed by God Almighty to have a specific purpose and function: when it operates as intended, the emotional and physical needs of husbands, wives and children are met in a beautiful relationship of symbiotic love. But when the function is inhibited or destroyed, then every member of the family experiences the discomfort of unmet needs … When the family conforms to God’s blueprint, then self-esteem is available for everyone – which satisfies romantic aspirations – which abolishes loneliness, isolation and boredom – which contributes to sexual fulfillment – which binds the marriage together in fidelity – which provides security for children – which gives parents a sense of purpose – which contributes to self-esteem once more. The chain has no weak links. It reveals the beauty of God’s own creation, as does the rest of his universe.

Well, well, well, Jang Geum, Jewel in the Palace and all about women … Hmm, I wonder, has Jang Geum written a book? Does she have a website? Let me find out and I’ll get right back to you …

“Fearfully and wonderfully made”

2008-04-25T23:40:00.014+08:00

Laws, facts and statistics on abortions in the Philippines; hope and help for the hurting

In the 1970’s, a college friend confided to me that she feared her boyfriend had gotten her pregnant. She said that if indeed she was pregnant, she would not resort to abortion. She did not want to follow the example of a friend who, caught in the same situation, heeded the advice of one of our college professors to get an abortion. She asked me not to tell her boyfriend about what was happening to her and for help in getting into a halfway house for unwed mothers.

The Bible explicitly upholds the sanctity of life, even of the unborn. Perhaps the Bible’s most eloquent statement on how God regards the unborn is Psalm 139 which goes like this:

1. O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether. 5. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8. If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10. Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13. For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18. If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

Despite being predominantly Catholic, the Philippines has not been spared from the scourge of abortion. It is quite ironic that Filipinas who cannot afford fees charged by doctors in illicit abortions turn to the Quiapo Church or to one of several other churches around the country near which abortifacients are sold.

Consider the following facts and statistics:

[1] In 2005, there were some 400,000 to 500,000 abortions in the Philippines. The World Health Organization estimate puts the figure at nearly 800,000, one of the highest rates of unsafe abortions in Asia.

[2] Seventy percent of unwanted pregnancies in the Philippines end in abortion, according to the WHO. Pro-Life Philippines, an anti-abortion group, says that one of four pregnancies in the Philippines end in abortion.

[3] According to the Department of Health, nearly 100,000 women who have unsafe abortions every year end up in the hospital.

[4] As many as 17 percent of all unsafe abortions are done on teenage or young mothers, according to the DOH.

[5] The national abortion ratio in 2000 was 18, meaning that 18 of every 100 pregnancies (live births and abortions) ended in abortion; the low estimate is 16 and the high estimate is 21.

[6] Manila has the highest proportion of pregnancies ending in abortion (one in three), compared with about one in five in the rest of Luzon and about one in eight in Visayas and Mindanao.

[7] 36 percent of Filipino women become pregnant before marriage and 45 percent of all pregnancies are either unwanted or ill-timed, according to the World Health Organization.

[8] About 4 in 5 abortions in the Philippines are for economic reasons, according to a survey by the University of the Philippines. In many cases, said Jocelyn Pacete, a spokeswoman for Likhaan, a women's health group based in Manila, "the mother can't afford another child, so ends up choosing her five living children over the fetus in her womb."

[9] Doctors who perform abortions clandestinely in clinics typically charge 2,000 to 5,000 pesos, or $37 to $93, according to one report.

[10] In Quiapo, the best-selling abortifacient is Cytotec, a drug for ulcers. Before it was banned largely through the lobbying efforts of Pro-Life Philippines, Cytotec could be bought over the counter for 20 pesos. Today, it sells on the black market for 50 to 120 pesos per tablet. Most of the Cytotec now circulating is smuggled in from South Korea and Bangkok

These facts and statistics are from Philippines abortion crisis; Religious women turn to illegal procedures, by Carlos H. Conde, International Herald Tribune, Asia-Pacific, May 16, 2005, and from The Incidence of Induced Abortion in the Philippines: Current Level and Recent Trends, by Fatima Juarez, Josefina Cabigon, Susheela Singh and Rubina Hussain; International Family Planning Perspectives, Volume 31, Number 3, September 2005.

Abortion is illegal in the Philippines

The 1987 Constitution of the Philippines, specifically, Sec. 12, Art. II, pronounces that “the State shall equally protect the life of the mother and the life of the unborn from conception.”

Decades before the 1987 Constitution, the New Civil Code of the Philippines contained provisions protecting the unborn. These provisions are:

Art. 40. Birth determines personality; but the conceived child shall be considered born for all purposes that are favorable to it, provided it be born later with the conditions specified in the following article.

Art. 41. For civil purposes, the fetus is considered born if it is alive at the time it is completely delivered from the mother’s womb. However, if the fetus had an intra-uterine life of less than seven months, it is not deemed born if it dies within twenty four hours after its complete delivery from the maternal womb.

The Revised Penal Code has several provisions penalizing abortion. These are:

Article 255 Infanticide
Article 256 Intentional abortion
Article 257 Unintentional abortion
Article 258 Abortion practiced by the woman herself or by her parents
Article 259 Abortion practiced by a physician or midwife and dispensing of abortives

HB 3227 (The Moses Law): stopping abortion and child abuse

House Bill 3227 or "The Safe Haven Act or The Moses Law" (authored by Rep. Eduardo Zialcita) permits parents to entrust the custody of their babies, who are up to two months old, to any hospital, medical emergency facility, police or fire station and other government agencies.

The "unwanted" babies will then be taken into the custody the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD). The parents will not be required to give their names to the recipient of the child, and will be protected from arrest. Rep. Zialcita said he filed the bill "to address the moral degeneration of society as a result of the tragedies caused by abortion, child abuse, neglect and other forms of anti-life and anti-child acts."

Insightful articles and helpful websites on the issue of abortion

I highly recommend to you the following articles and websites on the issue of abortion:

Jennilyn and Patrick, Inah and Vince ... Stay public and stay vertical!

2008-04-14T22:40:00.002+08:00

Okay, okay, I cannot help but be updated on showbiz news. I am a news junkie and 6:30 every night, I turn on the TV to watch GMA 7’s 24 Oras, ABS-CBN’s TV Patrol, CNN and BBC, not necessarily in that order. I must admit that I am partial to GMA 7 simply because I love watching Pia Guanio, the entertainment segment host and the third most beautiful woman in the universe. Anyway, unlike CNN and BBC, Philippine news programs combine hard news with entertainment news (leading to what one person has described as the “tabloidization” of the Filipino people).

Well, tonight, besides learning about a freak storm at the onset of the summer season, Jun Lozada snubbing a DOJ investigation, people lining up again for NFA rice, convicted Magdalo officers asking for presidential pardon, I also learned about the upcoming wedding of Inah, the eldest daughter of Sen. Bong Revilla and Lani Mercado, to childhood sweetheart Vince del Rosario. Inah is 18 while Vince is about the same age. Oh, by the way, Inah is reportedly four months pregnant.

In previous weeks, we have been treated to the real-life soap opera between a pregnant and unwed Jennilyn Mercado and her ex-boyfriend Patrick Garcia. Months ago, there were of course Dennis Trillo, beauty queen Carlene (her surname escapes me right now) and another actress. Now it’s Inah and Vince. In an interview (with either Channel 2 or 7), Sen. Revilla candidly admitted that he and his wife were remiss in their duties as parents.

Teenaged pregnancies are really nothing new. Dr. James Dobson, I think, said that a million teenagers in the US get pregnant every year. In the Philippines, according to the 2003 National Demographic and Health Survey, one out of four women become mothers by age 19 while four out of 10 women in the 20 to 24-year-old bracket have already engaged in sexual activity.

I have previously reviewed Dannah Gresh’s Purefreedom book and website. If you are a parent of a teenaged son or daughter, you might want to re-read that article. Dannah sums up in one striking expression one rule teenagers should know and parents should teach. She advises young people to “Stay vertical and stay public!” Plus, I highly recommend to you two programs for teens, True Love Waits and Silver Ring Thing.

Urban legends on marriage and separation in the Philippines

2008-03-30T21:07:00.002+08:00

The dictionary defines “urban legend” as “an apocryphal, secondhand story told as true, plausible enough to be believed, and likely to be framed as a cautionary tale, about some horrific, embarrassing, ironic, or exasperating series of events that supposedly happened to a real person.” That’s quite a mouthful but simply stated, an urban legend can mean a story or an idea that is widely believed but which lacks any factual basis. Here in the Philippines, certain ideas about marriage and separation of spouses have achieved the status of urban legends. These are:

[1] If husband and wife have not seen each other for more than seven years, their marriage is already void.

[2] A husband and wife can declare in a notarized document that they are free to marry other persons and they will not file charges against each other.

I have previously discussed how seriously mistaken these ideas are in two articles in my Legal Updates blog. I am surprised by how widely believed these things are among Filipinos and so I am reprinting both articles in this post. Okay, here we go!

If husband and wife have not seen each other for more than seven years, does it mean that their marriage is already void?

It is not accurate to say that if spouses have not seen or communicated with each other for more than seven years that the marriage is terminated automatically or is considered void. In situations where one spouse has not seen for a number of years or does not know what has happened to the other spouse, he or she must file a petition asking the court to declare the missing spouse as presumptively dead for purposes of remarriage.

The Family Code, specifically Articles 41 to 44, deals with the declaration of presumptive death for purposes of remarriage. There are a lot of misconceptions however about this part of the Family Code. Please let me explain.

[1] Article 40 provides that persons cannot take the law into their own hands and simply declare by themselves that their marriage is null and void. A person wanting to remarry must first obtain a court decision declaring the previous marriage null and void before getting married again.

[2] The Family Code only provides for a period of two years (extraordinary absence like in war, shipwreck, storm, etc) or four years (ordinary absence) for a person to be able to go to court and file a petition for declaration of presumptive death of the missing spouse. The seven years separation that people usually refer to was previously provided for by the New Civil Code.

[3] The court will however require the petitioner to present proof that he or she exerted earnest and diligent efforts to locate the whereabouts of the missing spouse. These efforts include asking the police or NBI for help in locating the missing spouse, using the media like newspapers or radio, etc. The court will deny the petition if the petitioner cannot present such evidence of earnest and diligent efforts to locate the missing spouse.

[4] If the court declares the missing spouse as presumptively dead, then the petitioner will be able to remarry.

[5] But the problem is if any person (friend, relative, barangay official, etc) discovers that the missing spouse is really alive, then that person can file an affidavit of reappearance with the Local Civil Registrar. If the petitioner had already gotten married, then that subsequent marriage is automatically terminated. This is provided for by Article 42 of the FC.

Posted below are the specific provisions of the Family Code on this matter:

Art. 40. The absolute nullity of a previous marriage may be invoked for purposes of remarriage on the basis solely of a final judgment declaring such previous marriage void. (n)

Art. 41. A marriage contracted by any person during subsistence of a previous marriage shall be null and void, unless before the celebration of the subsequent marriage, the prior spouse had been absent for four consecutive years and the spouse present has a well-founded belief that the absent spouse was already dead. In case of disappearance where there is danger of death under the circumstances set forth in the provisions of Article 391 of the Civil Code, an absence of only two years shall be sufficient.
For the purpose of contracting the subsequent marriage under the preceding paragraph the spouse present must institute a summary proceeding as provided in this Code for the declaration of presumptive death of the absentee, without prejudice to the effect of reappearance of the absent spouse. (83a)
Art. 42. The subsequent marriage referred to in the preceding Article shall be automatically terminated by the recording of the affidavit of reappearance of the absent spouse, unless there is a judgment annulling the previous marriage or declaring it void ab initio.
A sworn statement of the fact and circumstances of reappearance shall be recorded in the civil registry of the residence of the parties to the subsequent marriage at the instance of any interested person, with due notice to the spouses of the subsequent marriage and without prejudice to the fact of reappearance being judicially determined in case such fact is disputed. (n)
Art. 43. The termination of the subsequent marriage referred to in the preceding Article shall produce the following effects:
(1) The children of the subsequent marriage conceived prior to its termination shall be considered legitimate;

(2) The absolute community of property or the conjugal partnership, as the case may be, shall be dissolved and liquidated, but if either spouse contracted said marriage in bad faith, his or her share of the net profits of the community property or conjugal partnership property shall be forfeited in favor of the common children or, if there are none, the children of the guilty spouse by a previous marriage or in default of children, the innocent spouse;

(3) Donations by reason of marriage shall remain valid, except that if the donee contracted the marriage in bad faith, such donations made to said donee are revoked by operation of law;

(4) The innocent spouse may revoke the designation of the other spouse who acted in bad faith as beneficiary in any insurance policy, even if such designation be stipulated as irrevocable; and

(5) The spouse who contracted the subsequent marriage in bad faith shall be disqualified to inherit from the innocent spouse by testate and intestate succession.(n)
Art. 44. If both spouses of the subsequent marriage acted in bad faith, said marriage shall be void ab initio and all donations by reason of marriage and testamentary dispositions made by one in favor of the other are revoked by operation of law. (n)

Can a husband and wife in a notarized document declare that they are free to marry other persons and they will not file charges against each other?

Several individuals, either personally or by e-mail, have asked me about situations where the husband and wife have decided to call it quits after a long period of physical separation, physical or psychological abuse, or because of the loss of love for each other. Instead of going through the judicial process of having their marriage declared null and void, however, the husband and wife have asked a lawyer-notary public (in some instances, barangay officials or even a judge) to prepare and notarize a document where they have declared that both parties are now free to marry other persons and that they will not file charges of adultery or concubinage against each other. The question I have been asked is, Is this document legally valid?

The Supreme Court has ruled consistently as far back as 1933 (that’s 75 years ago!) in the case of Panganiban vs. Borromeo 58 Phil. 367 that such documents are illegal, immoral and void because they undermine and subvert the institution of marriage. Judges, lawyers and notaries-public who have prepared and signed such documents have been reprimanded severely (in terms of suspension or disbarment) by the Court. And yet, either because of ignorance or misconceptions of the law by the man on the street or by the desire of some lawyers-notaries public to make a fast buck, this kind of agreement and document still seem to be floating around.

Below are excerpts from the 1976 decision of the Supreme Court in the case of “Redentor Albano, complainant, vs. Municipal Judge Patrocinio C. Gapusan of Dumalneg, Ilocos Norte, responden”. In this case, Judge Gapusan (before his appointment to the judiciary) prepared and notarized a document providing for the personal separation of husband and wife and the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership. The Supreme Court censured Judge Gapusan for his act of preparing and notarizing such a document.

Redentor Albano in a verified complaint dated August 18, 1975 charged Municipal Judge Patrocinio C. Gapusan of Dumalneg and Adams, Ilocos Norte (1) with incompetence and Ignorance of the law for having prepared and notarized a document providing for the personal separation of husband and wife and the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership and (2) with having allegedly influenced Judge Zacarias A. Crispin of the Court of First Instance of Ilocos Norte in deciding two criminal cases.

In 1941 or five years before his appointment to the bench, respondent Gapusan notarized a document for the personal separation of the spouses Valentina Andres and Guillermo Maligta of Barrio 6, Vintar, Ilocos Norte and for the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership.

It was stipulated in that document that if either spouse should commit adultery or concubinage, as the case may be, then the other should refrain from filing an action against the other.

Judge Gapusan denied that he drafted the agreement. He explained that the spouses had been separated for a long time when they signed the separation agreement and that the wife had begotten children with her paramour. He said that there was a stipulation in the agreement that the spouses would live together in case of reconciliation. His belief was that the separation agreement forestalled the occurrence of violent incidents between the spouses.

Albano in filing the malpractice charge is in effect asking this Court to take belated disciplinary action against Judge Gapusan as a member of the bar or as a notary. (He was admitted to the bar in 1937).

There is no question that the covenants contained in the said separation agreement are contrary to law, morals and good customs (Biton vs. Momongan, 62 Phil. 7). Those stipulations undermine the institutions of marriage and the family, "Marriage is not a mere contract but an inviolable social institution". "The family is a basic social institution which public policy cherishes and protects." (Arts. 52 and 216, Civil Code). Marriage and the family are the bases of human society throughout the civilized world (Adong vs. Cheong Seng Gee, 43 Phil. 43; Ramirez vs. Gmur, 42 Phil. 855, 864; Goitia vs. Campos Rueda, 35 Phil. 252, 254; Brown vs. Yambao, 102 Phil. 168).

To preserve the institutions of marriage and the family, the law considers as void "any contract for personal separation between husband and wife" and "every extrajudicial agreement, during the marriage, for the dissolution of the conjugal partnership" (Art. 221, Civil Code). Before the new Civil Code, it was held that the extrajudicial dissolution of the conjugal partnership without judicial sanction was void (Quintana vs. Lerma, 24 Phil. 285; De Luna vs. Linatoc, 74 Phil. 15).

A notary should not facilitate the disintegration of a marriage and the family by encouraging the separation of the spouses and extrajudically dissolving the conjugal partnership. Notaries were severely censured by this Court for notarizing documents which subvert the institutions of marriage and the family (Selanova vs. Mendoza, Adm. Matter No. 804-CJ, May 19, 1975, 64 SCRA 69; Miranda vs. Fuentes, Adm. Case No. 241, April 30, 1966, 16 SCRA 802; Biton vs. Momongan, supra,, Panganiban vs. Borromeo, 58 Phil. 367; In re Santiago, 70 Phil. 66; Balinon vs. De Leon, 94 Phil. 277).

Respondent Gapusan as a member of the bar should be censured for having notarized the void separation agreement already mentioned.
(Emphasis by boldfacing supplied)

Can a husband and wife in a notarized document declare that they are free to marry other persons and they will not file charges against each other?

2008-03-16T14:17:00.000+08:00

Several persons, either in person or by e-mail, have asked me about situations where the husband and wife have decided to call it quits after a long period of physical separation, physical or psychological abuse, or because of the loss of love for each other. Instead of going through the judicial process of having their marriage declared null and void, however, the husband and wife have asked a lawyer-notary public (in some instances, barangay officials or even a judge) to prepare and notarize a document where they have declared that both parties are now free to marry other persons and that they will not file charges of adultery or concubinage against each other. The question I have been asked is, Is this document legally valid?

The Supreme Court has ruled consistently as far back as 1933 (that’s 75 years ago!) in the case of Panganiban vs. Borromeo 58 Phil. 367 that such documents are illegal, immoral and void because they undermine and subvert the institution of marriage. Judges, lawyers and notaries-public who have prepared and signed such documents have been reprimanded severely (in terms of suspension or disbarment) by the Court. And yet, either because of ignorance or misconceptions of the law by the man on the street or by the desire of some lawyers-notaries public to make a fast buck, this kind of agreement and document still seem to be floating around.

Below are excerpts from the 1976 decision of the Supreme Court in the case of “Redentor Albano, complainant, vs. Municipal Judge Patrocinio C. Gapusan of Dumalneg, Ilocos Norte, responden”. In this case, Judge Gapusan (before his appointment to the judiciary) prepared and notarized a document providing for the personal separation of husband and wife and the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership. The Supreme Court censured Judge Gapusan for his act of preparing and notarizing such a document.

Redentor Albano in a verified complaint dated August 18, 1975 charged Municipal Judge Patrocinio C. Gapusan of Dumalneg and Adams, Ilocos Norte (1) with incompetence and Ignorance of the law for having prepared and notarized a document providing for the personal separation of husband and wife and the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership and (2) with having allegedly influenced Judge Zacarias A. Crispin of the Court of First Instance of Ilocos Norte in deciding two criminal cases.

In 1941 or five years before his appointment to the bench, respondent Gapusan notarized a document for the personal separation of the spouses Valentina Andres and Guillermo Maligta of Barrio 6, Vintar, Ilocos Norte and for the extrajudicial liquidation of their conjugal partnership.

It was stipulated in that document that if either spouse should commit adultery or concubinage, as the case may be, then the other should refrain from filing an action against the other.

Judge Gapusan denied that he drafted the agreement. He explained that the spouses had been separated for a long time when they signed the separation agreement and that the wife had begotten children with her paramour. He said that there was a stipulation in the agreement that the spouses would live together in case of reconciliation. His belief was that the separation agreement forestalled the occurrence of violent incidents between the spouses.

Albano in filing the malpractice charge is in effect asking this Court to take belated disciplinary action against Judge Gapusan as a member of the bar or as a notary. (He was admitted to the bar in 1937).

There is no question that the covenants contained in the said separation agreement are contrary to law, morals and good customs (Biton vs. Momongan, 62 Phil. 7). Those stipulations undermine the institutions of marriage and the family, "Marriage is not a mere contract but an inviolable social institution". "The family is a basic social institution which public policy cherishes and protects." (Arts. 52 and 216, Civil Code). Marriage and the family are the bases of human society throughout the civilized world (Adong vs. Cheong Seng Gee, 43 Phil. 43; Ramirez vs. Gmur, 42 Phil. 855, 864; Goitia vs. Campos Rueda, 35 Phil. 252, 254; Brown vs. Yambao, 102 Phil. 168).

To preserve the institutions of marriage and the family, the law considers as void "any contract for personal separation between husband and wife" and "every extrajudicial agreement, during the marriage, for the dissolution of the conjugal partnership" (Art. 221, Civil Code). Before the new Civil Code, it was held that the extrajudicial dissolution of the conjugal partnership without judicial sanction was void (Quintana vs. Lerma, 24 Phil. 285; De Luna vs. Linatoc, 74 Phil. 15).

A notary should not facilitate the disintegration of a marriage and the family by encouraging the separation of the spouses and extrajudically dissolving the conjugal partnership. Notaries were severely censured by this Court for notarizing documents which subvert the institutions of marriage and the family (Selanova vs. Mendoza, Adm. Matter No. 804-CJ, May 19, 1975, 64 SCRA 69; Miranda vs. Fuentes, Adm. Case No. 241, April 30, 1966, 16 SCRA 802; Biton vs. Momongan, supra,, Panganiban vs. Borromeo, 58 Phil. 367; In re Santiago, 70 Phil. 66; Balinon vs. De Leon, 94 Phil. 277).

Respondent Gapusan as a member of the bar should be censured for having notarized the void separation agreement already mentioned.
(Emphasis by boldfacing supplied)

And the two shall become one …

2008-03-02T22:15:00.005+08:00

But which one?

Okay, okay, I am sure you have heard this joke before. What is not a joke however is the dreary state of the institution of marriage in these days. The DSWD has reported that 40% of the couples in CALABARZON are merely living in. That translates to about 90,000 couples who either do not believe in marriage or who are legally married to persons other than their current partners.

Since December 2005 when I started giving free legal information and Biblical counseling through my Family Matters website, more than 500 persons have e-mailed me availing of this service. Probably 80% of my counselees have been women who [1] have been abandoned by their husband and who want to know how to get financial support; or [2] want to escape from their marriage or an abusive relationship. Truly, marriage is the most difficult human relationship.

The reality of conflict in marriages

You see, there will always be conflicts between a man and a woman within the framework of marriage. Genesis 3: 16 says, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Some people have said that the expression “thy desire shall be to thy husband” refers to a woman’s sexual desire for her husband, but we know that in a lot of situations that desire isn’t there.

Conservative theologians like Woodrow Kroll say (correctly, in my opinion) that Genesis 3:16 should be read in relation with Genesis 4: 7 which states, “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.” These theologians say that the expression “unto thee shall be his desire” in Genesis 4:7 is similar in words and grammar as Genesis 3:16.

Thus, the proper interpretation of “thy desire shall be unto thy husband” is that there will be conflicts and struggles between a husband and a wife in their sinful state as the woman tries to wrest control over the relationship divinely ordained for the man. (Please read my article on “The Myth of Mutual Submission” for more on this issue.)

The reality of conflict even in Christian marriages

Three years ago, I talked with a newly married woman, offering to lend her my copy of Dr. Willard Harley’s book “Love Busters, Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.” Incredibly, she said that she didn’t need to read it, or any book on marriage and relationships for that matter, because her marriage was “God-ordained.”

Contrast this naive belief with what Debra Evans says in her book “The Christian Woman’s Guide to Sexuality” (copyright 1997; published by Crossway Books, a division of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois). Speaking to wives about the realities of marriage, Evans says in page xiv,

“Marriage requires our strenuous commitment – a continuing, conscious effort to remain open and obedient to God’s transforming work in our lives – over a period, in many cases, of hundreds of months and thousands of days. A successive series of seasons will bring changes, some welcome and some not, to the cherished bond we share with our husbands. Adapting across a span of years takes us deep into the hidden places of our hearts.”

Together ... forever!

Or as Anne Kristin Carroll says in page 168 of her book “Together Forever” (a Zondervan book), “The best marriages are still made up of two human beings, and as much as they may love each other, at some time, or some place, they will disappoint one another.”

Carroll knows whereof she speaks. Divorced at 18 from her childhood sweetheart, she met and married another man at age twenty-one. She eventually got divorced again but by God’s grace, she reconciled with and remarried that same man.

“Together Forever” was first published in 1982; that was a year after martial law was lifted in the Philippines, and I was just beginning my teaching career in Dona Aurora High School in San Mateo, Rizal. Despite the passage of some twenty five years however, Carroll’s insights and advice have remained solid and relevant.

The bulk of her book is divided into chapters discussing the different problems (and solutions, thankfully) in marriage These problems and some of their symptoms are:

[1] Marriage Without Christ: lives with constant problems and no solutions; the Sunday Christians; intellectual understanding of Christ and God’s purpose for Him with no personal relationship; lives which fail to produce the fruit of the Spirit – gentleness, peace, forgiving nature, kindness; a self-righteous attitude; general resentment against life.

[2] Poor Self-Image = Poor Marriage : adultery; suicidal tendencies; feelings of inferiority; constant state of apology; materialism; depression, fear, insecurity; withdrawal; the perfectionist; critical spirit; constant search for approval; inability to trust God.

[3] God Accepts Your Mate. Why Can’t You? : critical attitude towards the spouse and others; constantly comparing one’s spouse with another; adultery; alcoholism; communication breakdown; sexual failure; superior or self-righteous attitude.

[4] The Communication Blackout : constant misunderstanding; singular or mutual distrust; resentment; game-playing; mask-wearing; mates who talk too much; continual superficial conversation; emotional divorce.

[5] Who Wears the Pants? : hostility and strife in the home; aggressive, insecure female; withdrawn male; overbearing male; rebellious children; open or suppressed frustration.

[6] Sex Was God’s Idea : total disinterest; overemphasis on the physical; feminine or masculine manipulation; unconfessed guilt; jealousy; impotence, sterility; unsettled differences.

[7] The Big “I” : stubborn spirit; unforgiving nature; rebellion to God’s authority; restlessness and frustration; critical or cynical attitude; loneliness; withdrawal and daydreaming.

Emotional barriers to happiness in marriage

Carroll in Chapter 12 of her book tackles the “Emotional Barriers to Happiness and How To Overcome Them.” These barriers which Carroll describes as the most common problems, trials, strains and everyday annoyances of marriage, are the following:

How should you respond when you have made a mistake?
How am I to react when my mate fails, sins, or disappoints me?
How should criticism be given?
How do I deal with anger and arguments?
How to deal with depression?
How do you respond to a mate filled with mental-attitude sins?
How can I get my mate to admire and praise me?
How am I to deal with temptations which come into my life?
How do I handle fear?
How do I deal with boredoms in my life?
How do I handle sleepless nights and insomnia?
How to handle general irritations and problems?
What exactly is faith and how do I put it into practice?
How can I learn to trust my mate who has so often lied, cheated or rejected me? How can I trust my mate who has committed adultery when he or she is out of my sight?
What do I do about my husband who is in the armed services and away from home much of the time?
What about in-laws?

What distinguishes Carroll’s book from other books on marriage and relationships written by psychologists and counselors is found in her Afterword entitled “The Survivor’s Reward.” Reflecting on the true nature of marriage and what life really is all about, Carroll states:

How we moment by moment think, act, and relate with our mates is either God’s way, which is pure gold, or our way, which amounts to wood, hay and stubble and will be discarded and burned up when we stand before God.

Use every opportunity to present Him through thought, word, and action to your mate, children, family, and a lost world. What opportunities, what rewards, if you are only faithful! And what joy! Yes, joy, because in Jesus there is total, complete, fulfilling joy – now and for all eternity. These are just some of the heavenly rewards promised to those totally committed to Him.

Saving your marriage alone

Carroll ends her book with words of encouragement and affirmation for the person struggling, often alone, to save his or her marriage. She says, “Regardless of the strain on your relationship – adultery, incest, drugs, alcohol, homosexuality, divorce, etc. – with God, no relationship is beyond transformation, beyond hope. With God all things are possible and victory awaits you.” She then quotes the Apostle Paul’s words in I Corinthians 13:

1. Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing.
3. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not love, it profiteth me nothing.
4. Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6. Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7. Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8. Love never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13. And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Real relationships: how to make bad relationships better and good relationships great

2008-02-04T17:15:00.002+08:00

“Today more than ever, people long for connection.”

This line comes from the best-selling book Relationships written by world-renowned marriage counselors Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. The book was first published in 1998, and their words are even more true today, as proved by the dozens of social networking sites on the Internet (like Friendster, Facebook, etc) with hundreds of millions of registered users.

The copy of “Relationships” I have right now is my second. Several years ago, I gave my first copy of this book to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

I have owned and read several other books by Drs. Les and Leslie like “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts,” “Becoming Soul Mates,” and “Questions Couples Ask.” The problem is, I do not have these books with me anymore. I gave the “Questions” book to my former high school yearbook editor Leili as a gift (her wedding picture is in my “Covenant marriage” article). I lent the first two books years ago to Ela, my former Bible college student. Ela is now married to a great husband and she has recently given birth. But she still has not returned my books. “Ela, isoli mo na ang books ko; kailangan ko na!”

What makes “Relationships” a great read

The book, some 310 pages long including the workbook, is divided into chapters like:

Our Longing for Belonging

The Compulsion for Completion

Keeping the Family Ties from Pulling Strings

Crossing the Gender Line

Friends to Die For; What to Do When Friends Fail

Falling in Love Without Losing Your Mind

Sex, Lies and the Great Escape

Breaking Up Without Falling Apart

Relating To God Without Feeling Phony

Perhaps the most memorable line from the book is on page 27 which goes like this, “When your goal is to be needed, you’re not to going to attract the healthiest of people. Any generic boyfriend or girlfriend will do.”

Lies that sabotage our relationships; how to become whole

In the chapter entitled “The Compulsion for Completion,” Drs. Les and Leslie point out the lies that sabotage our relationships. These lies are (1) “I need this person to be complete” and (2) “If this person needs me, I will be complete.”

Drs. Les and Leslie then provide the ways a person can become whole: (1) Heal your hurts; (2) Take off your mask; (3) Sit in the driver’s seat; and (4) Rely on God.

Taking off your mask; daring to become vulnerable

In the subsection entitled “Take off your mask,” Drs. Les and Leslie say in page 31, “Each of us has a natural, built-in desire to be known, but we often stifle our vulnerability out of fear. We’re afraid of being seen as too emotional or not emotional enough, as too assertive or not assertive enough. We’re afraid of rejection.” As a consequence, Drs. Les and Leslie say that we often wear masks. They then quote a deeply moving poem on why people wear masks. This poem has had numerous variations floating around in the Internet and in print publications, and is oftentimes reported as having been written anonymously.

However, the original version of this poem on masks and emotional vulnerability was written by Charles C. Finn. For the fascinating history of this poem and more of Finn's poetry, you can surf to his website http://www.poetrybycharlescfinn.com/. Below is the original version of the poem by Finn.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

What women need to know about men; what men need to know about women

In the chapter entitled “Crossing the Gender Line,” Drs. Les and Leslie cite the differences between men and women, differences which so often lead to misunderstanding and conflicts.

Men are not as in touch with their emotions as women are.
Men are more independent than women are.
Men are more abstract than women are.
Women are not as independent as men are.
Women focus on the here-and-now more than men do.
Women are not as competitive as men are.

This part of “Relationships” reminds me so much of Dr. James Dobson’s book entitled “What wives wish their husbands knew about women.” In that book, Dr. Dobson hits the nail on the head so to speak when he wisely observed, “Women have needs that men do not understand.”

Is life really all about relationships?

The last chapter of their book is entitled “Relating To God Without Feeling Phony” and on page 178, Drs. Les and Leslie (both evangelical Christians) say,

“But if we forget to whom we belong, if we forget that our deepest longing is belonging to God, our compulsion for completion drives us into unhealthy relationships. Without God, selfishness pervades our souls and we are truly alone in an unhallowed world. In a God-aware relationship, however, our souls are ultimately satisfied in a meaningful life of goodness and grace, wholeness and holiness.”

Previously in page 38, Drs. Les and Leslie said, “While our earthly relationships will let us down time and time again, a relationship with God can be counted on to genuinely and fully meet our deepest need for significance.”

I have learned a lot from reading this book by Drs. Les and Leslie and I higly recommend it to you. Hey, why do you think I bought and read my second copy of this book after I gave the first copy to the love of my life (the second most beautiful woman in the universe)? Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask again? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

However, I don’t fully subscribe to Drs. Les and Leslie’s analysis of the human condition. I agree with what Ptr. John Piper said in his book “The Pleasures of God” and what Ptr. John Macarthur observed in his book “Our Sufficiency in Christ.” They both said that a man or a woman’s deepest need is not significance but restoration to fellowship with an infinitely holy God, through repentance, confession of sins and accepting Christ’s sacrifice on the cross as our bridge to God. Our relationship with God should not be based on the search for self-significance or the fulfillment of psychological needs.

Well, well, well, relationships, what can be more maddening or more fulfilling? Several of Drs. Les and Leslie’s books have been reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade and are readily available in bookstores (National Bookstore, PCBS, OMF Lit, Back to the Bible, etc). It is Valentine’s Day a few days from today and hey, why don't you surprise the love of your life by giving him or her one or two books by Drs. Les and Leslie?

If you want to know more about Dr. Les and Leslie’s work, you can surf to their “Real Relationships” website. It is a great website with lots of instructional videos on topics such as Children, Health, Communication, In-Laws, Conflict Resolution, Pre-Marital, Divorce, Recreation, Faith, Sex, Finance and Marriage Mentoring. There’s a link to their website in the sidebar of this blog, right between “Love and Respect” and “Father’s Love Letter.”

Okay, okay, I will make it easier for you. If you want to go to Drs. Les and Leslie’s website, just click here.

“Love and Respect”

2008-01-03T14:29:00.001+08:00

More than 30,000 unique and repeat visitors from 37 countries around the world have browsed my Family Matters website (it became online in December 2005. The second most browsed page of the site is that of the Family Code provisions on marriage. I wish I could say that the reason for this is that Filipinos esteem highly the institution of marriage. The facts and statistics, however, indicate that marriage is an endangered institution in the Philippines.

The DSWD has reported that 40% of couples in CALABARZON are merely living in. That translates to about 90,000 couples who either do not believe in the institution of marriage or who are married to persons other than their current partners.
According to some media reports, there are more than 400 annulment cases filed every month all over the country. Because of the high costs of getting a marriage annulled, a lot more couples are simply living apart from each other without going through any legal process.

It saddens me to say also that the number one question I have been asked by the more than 500 people who have e-mailed me for legal information is how a marriage can be annulled or declared null and void.

(Legally speaking, “annulment” refers to voidable marriages while “declaration of nullity” refers to void marriages. When Article 36 of the Family Code or psychological incapacity is used as a ground, the judicial process is not “annulment” but “declaration of nullity”.)

“Did they live happily ever after? No, they got married.”

There is a joke which goes this way: A young girl came home after school. When asked by her mother what she learned that day, she excitedly began talking all about their lesson on Snow White, the seven dwarfs, and the handsome prince. Since the mother had a lot of things to do and already knew the story, she interrupted her daughter and asked, “And so what happened, did they live happily ever after?” The little girl answered, “No, that’s not what happened. They got married!”

Wedding bells still keep ringing

Okay, okay, I know some of you are wondering what the joke about Snow White and her prince is all about. Despite the dreary statistics on live-in relationships and annulment cases, 95% of today's singles still deeply desire to be married, as Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott report in their book “Relationships”. As John Eldredge put it in his book “The Journey of Desire”, men and women were created for intimacy. Or as the Bible puts it, “Marriage is honourable unto all.”

More Filipinos get married in May than any other month

On Sunday nights after the worship service at Baptist Bible Church (Sta. Mesa), I usually take the LRT train from V. Mapa to Santolan. By the time the train gets to Gilmore, I usually look to the left where I can see the lights and tables and decorations and cars and people at an open sided island-like structure near the Mt. Carmel Church. Hmm, another wedding is taking place ...

Contrary to popular belief, however, more Filipinos get married in May than in June. According to a 2006 National Statistics Office report, there were 593,553 weddings in 2003. The “marry-est” months of the year for Filipinos are May with over 2,000 weddings daily, followed by December and January. August registered the lowest number of weddings. Why? Most probably because August is the rainiest month of the year.

What the world needs now is love ... and what else?

For those of you getting married this month or contemplating marriage sometime soon, I highly recommend the book “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Emerson was a pastor for some twenty years but has since 1999 been conducting, with his wife Sarah, seminars on marriage for audiences worldwide. The thesis for his book and seminars is found in Ephesians 5:33 which says, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” As Emerson explains in his “Love and Respect” website,

”You may remember how the Beatles sang, ‘All you need is love.’ I absolutely disagree with that conclusion. Five out of ten marriages today are ending in divorce because love alone is not enough. Yes, love is vital, especially for the wife, but what we have missed is the husband's need for respect. This Love and Respect message is about how the wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs -- respect. And the husband can fulfill his need to be respected by giving his wife what she needs -- love. Does this always work? No. But if one is married to a person of good will, I would bet the farm that it would work!”

Without love, she reacts without respect; without respect, he reacts without love

What Emerson teaches based on Ephesians 5:33 is that love is the wife’s deepest need and that respect is the husband’s deepest need. But the problem couples encounter in their marriage is what Emerson calls “The Crazy Cycle”. Without receiving love from her husband, a wife reacts without respect. Without receiving respect from his wife, a husband reacts without love. And “The Crazy Cycle” goes round and round …

Emerson’s website offers two videos explaining what the Crazy Cycle is all about. You can either download it to your computer or view it in your browser.

Breaking out of “The Crazy Cycle”

Emerson discusses in his book two other cycles which he calls “The Energizing Cycle” and “The Rewarded Cycle”. In “The Energizing Cycle”, he advises husbands and wives that “his love motivates her respect, and her respect motivates his love.”

In the “The Rewarded Cycle”, Emerson states that a husband should love his wife regardless of her respect (or lack of it), and that a wife should respect her husband regardless of his love (or lack of it). Okay, okay, I know “The Rewarded Cycle” sounds like Mission Impossible to you. Well, just read Emerson's book and find out how a husband can truly love or how a wife can truly respect regardless of what his or her partner is dishing out.

Acronyms for a great marriage

In several chapters of his book, Emerson discusses his acronyms for a great marriage: C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S. The C-O-U-P-L-E-S acronym is meant to familiarize men with what their wives need and how to show love to their wives. It stands for Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem.

On the other hand, the C-H-A-I-R-S acronym sums up for women how they can show their respect for their husbands, and stands for Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship and Sexuality.

Emerson’s website also offers several i-Pod downloads and free web videos like How Can I Respect That?, I Can Never be Good Enough, Pink & Blue, Cracking the Code, Tough Love, and He doesn't Deserve It!

Emerson’s book (reprinted in the Philippines by the Church Strengthening Ministry and readily available in OMF Lit, Back to the Bible Bookstore, PCBS and National BookStore) is a little bit expensive at 350 pesos, but hey, if you want a great marriage, 350 pesos is nothing, right?

So if you are getting married this January or sometime soon, I suggest that you go and buy Emerson’s book and browse his website, so that you can live happily, even after marriage, okay? okay?

“The Rose”

2008-01-01T10:53:00.000+08:00

Where do we go from here? 2007 is over and we’re on the first day of 2008. We don’t know what this year will bring as these verses tell us:

Joshua 3:4 “that ye may know the way by which ye must go: for ye have not passed this way heretofore.”

James 14-15 “Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.”

As a way of saying thanks for all of you who browsed my blogs and websites (Legal Issues and Family Matters; Better English for Filipinos; and English for Asians and Africans) this year, please let me share with you this story entitled simply “The Rose”. Max Lucado popularized this story in his 1992 book “And The Angels Were Silent”. It surfaced in the Internet sometime in 1996 and has since then achieved the status of an urban legend. It has even become sermon illustrations (please see for example “Easter After Tremors: The Call to Love” by Mark Daniels).

Most reproductions of this story (whether in print or the Internet) state either that the story’s author is unknown or that it originally came from Max Lucado. However, the real author is someone named S. I. Kishor and the story was first published in Collier’s magazine sometime in 1943. In Lucado’s book, it appeared without attribution and was entitled “The People with the Roses.’ In the 1996 Canfield and Hansen collection “A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul”, S.I. Kishor was correctly identified as the author. Be that as it may, “The Rose” has become a runaway favorite among Internet users.

“The Rose” by S. I. Kishor
John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose.
His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.

During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn’t matter what she looked like.

When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. “You'll recognize me,” she wrote, “by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel.”

So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened:

A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose.

As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. “Going my way, sailor?” she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes.

The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her.

This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. “I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?”

The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. “I don't know what this is about, son,” she answered, “but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!”

It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.

Happy New Year!

And the bride wore white …

2007-12-10T21:32:00.004+08:00

I began teaching in 1981 in Dona Aurora High School in the town of San Mateo, Rizal. Twenty six years ago, San Mateo was still a primarily agricultural town, with rice fields lining both sides of the street. After staying there for two years, I then transferred to Quezon City Science High School. After one year there, I went to Rizal High School in Pasig where I taught from 1984 up to 1995. One thing I learned from teaching in high school is that perhaps the most problematic time for students (boys and girls) is their junior year.

I remember in my first year of teaching, I saw a group of girls from my 3rd year advisory class climbing across a low wall at lunch time in order to cut their classes and as I found out later on. to spend time with their boyfriends. Together with one of my class officers, I ran after them and traced them to a house. I then went back to school and reported the incident to the principal. Parents and guardians were informed and disciplinary actions were handed down. One of these girls later on (right after high school) had to get married because she was already pregnant.

Statistics on teenage pregnancies and sexual experiences

Dr. James Dobson, I think, said that a million teenagers in the US get pregnant every year. In the Philippines, according to the 2003 National Demographic and Health Survey, one out of four women become mothers by age 19 while four out of 10 women in the 20-24-year-old bracket have already engaged in sexual activity.

In recent times, I have known of incidents involving unwed pregnancies and premarital sexual activities involving pastors’ kids and teenagers who grew up in church. One pastor asked me if he could solemnize a marriage between members of his church (both minors), the girl having gotten pregnant. I informed him that under the Family Code, no person below 18 can get married, even with parental consent. One pastor in Cavite who has become frustrated by what was happening to the young people in his church once asked me what to do.

I strongly support sexual abstinence and purity programs such as True Love Waits and Silver Ring Thing. One author I highly recommend to you (whether you are a mother or father, a teenager, a pastor or youth director) is Dannah Gresh.

Resources on sexual purity before and during marriage by Dannah Gresh

Dannah’s websites are www.purefreedom.org, www.secretkeepergirl.com and www.dannahgresh.com. Her books on sexual purity before and during marriage are “And the Bride Wore White”, “Pursuing the Pearl”, and “Secret Keeper Girl”.

November last year, I gave a lecture for the BMP-HELP pastors conference in Tagaytay City. Rushing home to Manila in the afternoon, I got to OMF Lit Bookstore in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong just before 5 PM. From the love gift given to me by the pastors, I was able to buy at nearly seven hundred pesos the very last copy of “And the Bride Wore White”. Several months later, I gave this book as a graduation gift to the love of my life. She is the second most beautiful woman in the universe. Who is the most beautiful woman in the universe, you ask? Well, who else but movie actress Angel Locsin!

In the Purefreedom website, Dannah and her husband Bob, explain what their ministry to young men and women is all about:

It is the mission of Pure Freedom to equip men and women of all ages to live a vibrant life of purity, to experience healing from past impurity if it exists in their lives, and to experience a vibrant, passionate marriage which portrays the love Christ has for his Bride the church.(Ministry verse: Ephesians 5:31,32)

Pure Freedom provides resources with radically-unique approaches to focus on specific issues that teen girls and/or guys face in the area of purity and holiness. Our events, the hallmark of our ministry, are about sexual purity and yet they are much more about the totality of a life submitted to the will of God in a quest to enjoy the blessings of His plan.

We believe that the temptation to fail sexually comes in different forms for girls and for boys. We also believe that they will one day enjoy God's gift of sex within the confines of marriage for different reasons. Whereas the girls are primarily emotionally driven, the guys are primarily driven by sight. Because of this dichotomy, it is vital that we educate them separately and emphasize different areas of temptation.

[1] Purity is a process.
[2] Purity dreams of its future.
[3] Purity is governed by its value.
[4] Purity speaks boldly.
[5] Purity loves its Creator at any cost.
[6] Purity embraces wise guidance.
[7] Purity watches burning flames.

Innocently having lunch alone with a man

Seeking advice from a man about personal issues, especially marital issues

Seeking or accepting frequent praise or affirmation from the same man

Being or becoming comfortable with being alone in an office or a home together

Intentionally seeking out time to be with this man

Manipulating your schedule to see him

Spending time fantasizing about him

What cancer cannot do

2007-12-02T21:58:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday morning, I was informed that the valedictorian of my batch in law school (Jose Rizal College, now Jose Rizal University) died of cancer of the pancreas. Back in our law school days, we competed against each other in class recitations and in exams. In recent years, I referred cases to him and in turn, he would ask me to make special appearances whenever he had conflicts in his trial schedule.

Many years ago, Dra. Rita Cruz-Clavio, long-time doctor in Rizal High School in Pasig City died after a lingering bout also with cancer of the pancreas. Early this year, my former church mate (Bethany Makati) Dra. Myrna Gigantone succumbed to cancer.

Perhaps my earliest memory of someone suffering from and dying of cancer is that of Rose, sort of an “ate” to me during my days at the Mandaluyong Bible Baptist Church in Nueve de Febrero St. in the 1970’s. She was an Ilocana and so we called her “Manang Rose”. For over a year, she was very sick but doctors couldn’t diagnose what was wrong with her. It was only when her nurse-friend Azer (if I remember her name correctly) took Rose to PGH that she was diagnosed with cancer. I remember that Sunday morning when our pastor announced that Manang Rose was terminally ill with cancer.

She was confined in PGH and since I was studying at that time in the nearby Philippine Christian University, I visited Manang Rose one afternoon. I found her in a good mood and she kept telling me and another visitor that she was feeling quite well and that she wanted to go home. I knew she was dying and I turned to look at the traffic in Taft Avenue to avoid looking at her. Her family finally brought her home to Tayug, Pangasinan but even then, they could not muster the courage to tell her that she was dying.

Manang Rose died and we were told that during her last moments, she was singing her favorite gospel song. Several members of the church went to Tayug for the funeral. I wanted so much to go to Tayug to say my final goodbye to Manang Rose and so I borrowed money from my sister for the transportation.

Below is a short but very famous poem about cancer. The author’s unknown but it began circulating sometime in 1999. There’s a PDF version of this poem which you might want to download.

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple Love.
It cannot shatter Hope.
It cannot corrode Faith.
It cannot destroy Peace.
It cannot kill Friendship.
It cannot suppress Memories.
It cannot silence Courage.
It cannot invade the Soul.
It cannot steal Eternal Life.
It cannot conquer the Spirit.

Hope: Where is God when it hurts?

One of my favorite writers is Philip Yancey. I don't agree with everything he says but in terms of language and writing style, he is head and shoulders above other Christian writers. I have read and re-read several of his books (What's So Amazing About Grace?; Reaching for the Invisible God; Finding God in Unexpected Places; Disappointment with God; The Jesus I Never Knew; In His Image; Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.) My favorite among Yancey's books is his classic "Where is God When It Hurts?" The best chapters in this book are "Arms Too Short to Box with God" and On My Feet Dancing." On page 77 of this book, Yancey sums up what God may be saying to us in times of pain, sickness, or death:

"God is speaking to us through pain - or perhaps, in spite of pain. He can use it to make us aware of Him. The symphony He is working out includes minor chords, dissonance, and tiring fugal passages. But those of us who follow His conducting through these early movements will, with renewed strength someday burst into song."

Memories and an unanswered question

The question that has been in my mind all these years is, should we have told Manang Rose that she was terminally ill? We had to respect her family's desire not to tell her and so we did not.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross became famous with her study on death and dying. She discovered that a person who knows he or she is terminally ill oftentimes goes through certain stages – anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance. Kubler-Ross discovered that a dying person oftentimes focuses not on his or her academic achievements, career highlights, professional pinnacles, but on snatches of childhood memories, stories of friendships from long ago, and on events that may have seemed insignificant at the time but which impending death and reflection have now given a new perspective. A dying person oftentimes thinks about places that hold special memories (the house in the province, the old high school), childhood friends, falling in love for the first time …

Zoe: Eternal life

Theologians tell us that “zoe” is the Greek word for “eternal life” or “eternity.” One pastor, teaching on eternal life, was innocently asked by a grade school student, “Pastor, do you mean to say that I will forever be a Grade 5 student?” The pastor then explained that “zoe” does not refer only to an endless period of time but also to the distinct quality of life for that endless period of time.

When I was a first year student in high school, I had a classmate named Felino (a math genius). One time, as we were on the top level of the grandstand, gazing at the Marikina River flowing lazily behind the school, Felino said that when his time to die came, he wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered all over the river. That he said, was his idea of eternal life.

I think it was martyred missionary Jim Elliot who said, “When it’s your time to die, make sure that all you have to do is die.” What he says, I think, is not to leave any loose ends in your life - no words of love, affirmation or encouragement left unsaid; no hurts and heartaches inflicted by other people left unforgiven; none of your own sins and offenses against other people left unconfessed …

Famous American preacher Peter Marshall (former chaplain of the US Senate) once said, "Death isn't a wall, it's a door." The Apostle Paul clarifies in I Corinthians 15:51-58 that death comes to us all and then eternity begins:

Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,
In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.

So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is thy sting?

O grave, where is thy victory?

The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Protecting our families and churches from Internet pornography

2007-11-26T00:21:00.000+08:00

Pornography in its various forms (magazines, videos, films, online, etc) is a 12 to 13 billion dollar industry that’s wreaking havoc on families and churches. And yet, according to Kerby Anderson’s article “The Pornography Plague” in www.probe.org , “Christian are often ignorant of its impact and apathetic about the need to control this menace.”

Children are the target of online pornographers. According to a 2002 report by the prestigious London School of Economics, “9 out of ten children aged between 8 and 16 years have viewed pornography on the Internet. In most cases, sites were accessed unintentionally when a child used a seemingly innocent sounding word to search for information or pictures.” Sue Bohlin in her Probe Ministries article entitled “Protecting Your Family On the Internet” warns that

Like the tobacco industry used to, the pornography industry aggressively targets young children as consumers. They position their Web sites to be found in seemingly innocent searches using words like toys, Disney, Nintendo, or dolls.” Bohlin’s article further states, “According to NetValue, children spent 64.9 percent more time on pornography sites than they did on game sites in September 2000. Over one quarter (27.5%) of children age 17 and under visited an adult Web site, which represents 3 million unique underage visitors.

Definitions of pornography and obscenity

Jeff Olson in his full-length article “When A Man’s Eyes Wander” from RBC Ministries, defines pornography as,

Pornography is any written or visual material that depicts nudity and/or sexually explicit activity for the purpose of causing sexual arousal. Of course, not all descriptions or photographs of nudity, sexual organs, and sexual activity (such as those found in educational material or medical textbooks) are pornographic. What makes material pornographic is its calculated intent to cause sexual arousal.

According to Anderson’s article, “The 1986 Attorney General Commission on Pornography defined pornography as material that is predominantly sexually explicit and intended primarily for the purpose of sexual arousal. Hard core pornography is sexually explicit in the extreme, and devoid of any other apparent content or purpose.”

Any discussion about pornography includes the term “obscenity.” The Philippine Supreme Court has followed the 1973 US Supreme Court ruling in Miller vs. California in defining what “obscenity” is. According to the Miller case, material is obscene if all three of the following conditions are met:

[1] The average person, applying contemporary community standards, would find that the work, taken as a whole, appealsto the prurient interests.

[2] The work depicts or describes, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by the applicable state (orfederal) law, and

[3] The work taken as a whole, lacks serious, artistic, political or scientific value.

Why men get hooked on pornography

Olson’s article for RBC deals extensively with the dangers, effects and ways out of addiction to pornography. Some of the chapters in his article are [1] Why Are Men So Vulnerable To Pornography? [2] Why Do Men Continue To Look? [3] The Payoff Of Pornography; and [4] A Crisis Of Faith And Hope. From these chapters, Olson enumerates the reasons why men get hooked in pornography:

[1] Men are aroused visually.
[2] History of a man's sexualization: early exposure to pornography; repeated exposure to pornography; and childhood sexual abuse
[3] Male affirmation.
[4] Easy relief
[5] Subtle revenge
[6] Personal sabotage
[7] It feels needed: the idolatry within.
[8] It feels deserved: the cynical anger within.

One of my favorite writers, John Eldredge, defines pornography as a “paper harem”. In page 90 of his book “Wild at Heart”, he has a different spin on why men get caught up in pornography:

Why is pornography the most addictive thing in the universe for men? Certainly there’s the fact that men are visually wired, that pictures and images arouse men much more than they do women. But the deeper reason is because that seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation as a man you didn’t know you had, touches it like nothing else most men have ever experienced . You must understand – this is deeper than legs and breasts and good sex. It is mythological. Look at the lengths men will go to find the golden-haired woman. They have fought duels over her beauty, they have fought wars. You see, every man remembers Eve. We are haunted by her. And somehow we believe that if we could find her, get her back, then we’d also recover with her our own lost masculinity.”

I don’t agree with everything Eldredge says and in the quote above, he sounds as if he is justifying a man’s desire for pornography. However, he clarifies in page 187 the sinister nature of pornography:

Most men want the maiden without any sort of cost to themselves. They want all the joys of the beauty without any of the woes of the battle. This is the sinister nature of pornography – enjoying the woman at her expense. Pornography is what happens when a man insists on being energized by a woman; he uses her to get a feeling that he is a man. It is a false strength, as I’ve said, because it depends on an outside source rather than emanating from deep within his center. And it is the paragon of selfishness. He offers nothing and takes everything. We are warned about this sort of man in the story of Judah and Tamar, a story that if it weren’t in the Bible, you would have thought I drew straight from a television miniseries.

A pastor’s fall from grace; how pornography affects marriages

Christine J Gardner in her article “Tangled in the Worst of the Web” (Christianity Today, March 5, 2001) chronicles the tragic true story of how a nationally known youth pastor in the US destroyed his marriage and ministry because of his addiction to pornography. (Here in the Philippines, I have been told about a pastor who was forced out of his church when his addiction to online pornography which led to an adulterous affair with the church secretary was exposed.)

At the concluding part of Gardner’s article, she cites the devastating effect of this pastor’s addiction to pornography on his wife:

Understandably, many wives have a difficult time surviving the fallout from pornography. One wife who caught her husband looking at pornography on the Internet likened it to a bomb exploding in her heart and marriage. Another wife felt hurt, used, and degraded after she caved in to her husband's demands to watch and reenact a pornographic video. Her struggle to forgive and to believe in him is enormous. Learning to trust her husband again is a long and bumpy process.

Please take note also that sexual violence against a wife under Republic Act 9262 includes “forcing her to watch obscene publications and indecent shows.” The penalty for sexual violence is imprisonment of six years (minimum) up to 12 years (maximum). The maximum penalty is imposed if the violence is committed while the woman is pregnant or in the presence of the children.

Preventive measures and free Internet filters against online pornography

Bohlin’s article for Probe Ministries cites some preventive measures against online pornography, among which are [1} placing the computer in a public place in the home or in the office; and {2] using filters to screen pornographic materials.

Some free internet filtering, parental controls and Christian accountability software you can use are:

[1] TechMission Safe Families We-Blocker internet filtering software from http://www.safefamilies.org/download.php (Free software to block inappropriate material)

[2] X3Watch from http://x3watch.com/ (An accountability software program helping with online integrity. Whenever you browse the Internet and access a site which may contain questionable material, the program will save the site name on your computer in a hidden folder. A person of your choice (an accountability partner) will receive an email containing all possible questionable sites you may have visited within the month. This information is meant to encourage open and honest conversation between friends and help us all be more accountable.)

[3] TUKI from http://tuki.com/ (Web browser designed for children that has parental controls)

[4] Dan’s Guardian from http://dansguardian.org/ (An award winning Open Source web content filter which currently runs on Linux, FreeBSD, OpenBSD, NetBSD, Mac OS X, HP-UX, and Solaris. It filters the actual content of pages based on many methods including phrase matching, PICS filtering and URL filtering. It does not purely filter based on a banned list of sites like lesser totally commercial filters.)

[5] Accountability Pal from http://sourceforge.net/projects/accpal/ (Monitors your network and keeps track of who is using the Internet and what they are viewing, downloading, uploading, etc. It emails a report of each user's activity to the person/people you specify. Great for parents and businesses.)

[6] Naomi from http://www.naomifilter.org/ (An advanced internet filtering program. Easy to use and totally free, this is intended for families, and kids in particular.)

Naomifilter.org enumerates the following useful programs in protecting against online pornography:

Care2's Race for Children - click daily (for free) to help provide children in need with food, medical attention and education
K9 Web Protection - a free internet filter
Safe Families - free internet filtering and parental control software
Reveal - a free program for finding if porn files are stored on your computer
File Sharing Sentinel - free parental control tool for blocking file-sharing programs
SurfPass - free version of the SurfPass filter, which also allows time limits, logging, etc.
B Gone - free web filter based on keywords list
NoWorrys - allows access to trusted sites (list) only (see also: PpGuard)
ICRA Plus - free tool, offers control over access to labelled sites
WebWatcher - one of the best commercial parental control tools
X3 Watch - free accountability program (informs about accesses to questionable sites - for PC and MAC)KidRocket - web browser for young kids (limits access to web sites)
Hosts-File.net - easily block scammer, phishing and other malicious websites (Windows only)
LogProtect - prevent your child from transmitting his personal coordinates (can be bypassed, though)
Popup blockers - free software for removing unwanted pop-ups
FraudEliminator - anti-phishing (email frauds) toolbar
SpyBot - free program to remove dialers, spyware, and other malware from your pc
HiJackThis - invaluable tools for removal of hijackers, dialers, and more (download CWShredded and HiJackThis)
Free tools - listing free filters, website is in French
Squid - proxy/blacklisting for administrators
Censornet - a free filter for Linux

Deal or no deal?

2007-11-17T09:07:00.000+08:00

Unless you have been living in a cave, you have probably seen Kris Aquinos’ very popular show “Deal or No Deal” on Channel 2. It is an exciting program that tests the contestants’ nerves and adventurous spirit, and which promises (and has delivered) very hefty sums of money to those who either correctly choose the right case or who know when to stop and say “Deal!”

Making deals doesn’t only happen in Kris Aquino’s show or in business transactions. In most marriages, husbands and wives often resort to making deals in deciding what to do in certain situations. A lot of times, a husband wants to do something but the wife doesn’t agree to it, or vice-versa. What usually happens is that, to preserve domestic peace, the reluctant partner agrees but with the condition (whether express or implied) that next time around, he or she will get his/her way. Conflicts arise and resentments grow however when this condition is not fulfilled later on, and the partner who gave in previously is forced or pressured to give in one more time.

The love busters: negative habits that destroy romantic love

Dr. Willard Harley Jr. is a world-famous marriage counselor who wrote the classic books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters.” The latter book (published by Fleming H. Revell; copyright 1992, 1997 and 2002 by Harley), is subtitled “Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.” Harley enumerates these negative habits as:

[1] Selfish demands: Who wants to live with a dictator?
[2] Annoying habits: Who wants to live with a dripping faucet?
[3] Angry outbursts: Who wants to live with a time bomb?
[4] Disrespectful judgments: Who wants to live with a critic?
[5] Independent behavior: Who wants to live with an inconsiderate jerk?
[6] Dishonesty: Who wants to live with a liar?

The Policy of Joint Agreement to find fair solutions

In cases of marital disputes, Harley says the fair solution is that which take both spouses into account and which make them both happy. In page 54 of “Love Busters”, Harley discusses what he calls the “Policy of Joint Agreement” and which he sums up in this statement: “Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.”

Harley explains that “it is important to take each other’s interests and feelings into account whenever you make a decision.” The reason? Harley says, “Demands will not lead to a mutually satisfying solution. They lead to a solution where one person tries to gain at the other’s expense. Moreover, Harley clarifies, “When people are forced to do something they do not want to do they often develop a very negative emotional reaction to the very thought of it.

(Harley uses the words “enthusiastic” and “enthusiastically” in explaining his Policy of Joint Agreement. These words come from “enthusiasm” which traces its origin to two Greek words “en theos” which means “the god within”.)

So how do couples avoid demands and making deals that create conflicts and resentments? Harley suggests these three action steps: [1] Explain what you want and ask how your spouse feels about doing it; [2] If your spouse has a problem with your request, withdraw it in its present form; and [3] Discuss other ways your spouse could enthusiastically help you.

“Love Busters” is available in PCBS, OMF Lit and National Bookstore. The book is a little bit expensive at Php 369.30 unit price, but if you’re married and having problems with your spouse, it’s really a deal.

Free paralegal training for pastors, church workers, Bible school students, and interested parties

2007-11-12T17:52:00.000+08:00

Christ Baptist Church, under Rev. Jose Conui III, is sponsoring free paralegal training seminars for its Introduction to Law (ITL) students and for anyone interested in learning the following: [1] procedures in civil, criminal and administrative cases; [2] essential provisions of the Family Code and relevant laws; [3] land problems; [4] SEC registration of churches; and [5] other topics.

Schedules of the seminars are: November 19 and 26; December 3 and 17; January 7 and 14, from 1 to 5 PM. Venue is Christ Baptist Church, B 24 Navarro Cmpd, Soldiers' Hills, Putatan, Muntinlupa City. Certificates will be awarded to those who finish the seminars (total of 24 hours).

For more information, please call Wella Conui at CBC tel. no. 842-4684.

The One and Only [2]

2007-11-11T21:32:00.000+08:00

There's a hopelessly romantic story that’s currently sweeping the Internet. In the words of the ABC News report, it’s the story of "Patrick Moberg, a 21-year-old New Yorker, who made blogosphere headlines this week when he developed a Web site, nygirlofmydreams.com , dedicated to finding a mystery girl he was too shy to approach on a train. He described her as wearing blue tights, blue shorts and a flower in her hair, and even included a sketch of both himself and the girl." The girl turned out to be “a 22-year-old Australian magazine intern named Camille Hayton”. Yahoo has a video of this story entitled “Love at first subway ride”. You can also read the ABC News story titled “Hopeless Romantic Found His Mystery Girl Online”.

Well, well, well, love and romance … As the title of Han Suyin’s novel states, love is a many-splendored thing. Or as Dr. Willard Harley Jr said in his book “His Needs, Her Needs”, a woman’s need for romance never ceases. Perhaps, Omar Khayyam (in Edward Fitzgerald's translation of Rubaiyat) sums it all up about romantic love: "Ah, Love! Could you and I with Him conspire, To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, Would not we shatter it to bits, And then remold it nearer to the heart's desire!"

Reality bites

I don't want to be a killjoy but as I read about Patrick and Camille’s story, I can’t help recalling that in the Philippines, there are more than 400 annulment cases filed all over the country every month. Or that the DSWD has reported that 40% of couples in CALABARZON are merely living in. Perhaps, what Sandra Bullock’s character said to Keannu Reeves in the movie “Speed” is quite appropriate. After the high speed bus ride and surviving a mad bomber together, Sandra’s character says, “Relationships that begin under intense circumstances never last.” You might also want to review my article “Transformers: Why do persistent suitors become passive husbands?”

So how do you find true love?

A lot of pastors and youth leaders teach that out of the hundreds of millions of people in the world, God ordained before the foundation of the world, one and only one person to be your marriage partner. That in a nutshell is the "one and only" theory.

Some prominent Christian writers like Joshua Harris (“I Kissed Dating Goodbye”), Eric and Leslie Ludy (“When God Writes Your Love Story”) subscribe to this “one and only” theory. Even world famous evangelist Billy Graham believed in this theory.

On the other hand, other Christian leaders like Dr. James Dobson, Bill and Lynne Hybels say that the “one and only” theory does not have any Biblical support and can even be dangerous for a couple experiencing marital struggles.

Exercise your judgment, common sense and discretionary powers in choosing a mate

Dobson in his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Living Books, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.) in pages 94 and 95, says this (emphasis by boldfacing supplied) :

“Anyone who believes that God guarantees a successful marriage to every Christian is in for a shock. This is not to say that he is disinterested in the choice of a mate, or that he will not answer a specific request for guidance on this all-important decision. Certainly, his will should be sought in such a critical matter and I consulted him repeatedly before proposing to my wife. However, I do not believe that God performs a routine match-making service for everyone who worships him. He has given us judgment, common sense, and discretionary powers, and he expects us to exercise these abilities in matters matrimonial. Those who believe otherwise are likely to enter marriage glibly, thinking, “God would have blocked this development if he didn’t approve of it.” To such confident people I can only say, “Lotsa luck.”

The dangers of the “one and only one” theory; choose carefully, move slowly, pray for guidance, seek wise counsel, examine your heart

The Hybels couple in their book “Fit To Be Tied” (Zondervan Publishing House, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade) in debunking the “one and only” theory, discusses the dangers and pitfalls of such a theory in pages 114 and 115 (emphasis by boldfacing supplied) :

"… sometimes when couples discover how different they really are, they jump to the conclusion that their marriage is hopeless, that they might as well give up because they chose the wrong spouse. Sometimes well-meaning Christians contribute to their sense of hopelessness.

We once heard a pastor say, “Somewhere on planet earth there is a special someone just for you. God designed this person before the foundations of the world to be your lifetime mate.” This is the “one and only” theory, and suggests that out of the five billion human beings that inhabit planet earth, God prepared one – and only one – to be your spouse.

This theory appears harmless, but it can be downright dangerous for a couple who is trying hard to make their marriage work, but making little headway. They are frustrated, but they keep plodding along until they stumble upon the “one and only” theory. Suddenly a light bulb goes on. Here’s our problem. You’re not my one and only, and I’m not yours. This marriage will never work. We missed. God can’t bless this marriage, so why keep hitting our heads against brick walls? Let’s part ways and find our one and only. Their assumption is that if they find their one and onlys, marriage will be easy. They won’t have to make compromises, or work through conflicts, or negotiate family differences, or wrestle with temperament issues. It will be smooth sailing on the seas of wedded bliss … if only they find their one and onlys. Even those whose convictions will not let them part ways live with the burden of regret. I missed my one and only.

While the notion has been bantered around in Christian circles for years, we find little Biblical support for believing that God ordained every marital match before the foundation of the world. As in many other areas of Christian living, the Bible lays broad parameters for spouse selection. Within those parameters, individuals have the freedom to choose. In I Cor. 7:39 Paul says that a woman whose husband dies “is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” Certainly Paul would tell her - and us – to choose carefully: to go through the proper checklists, move slowly, pray for guidance and sober judgment, and seek wise counsel. But then we are free to use our brains, examine our hearts, and select the spouse we feel best suits us. If we choose wisely, under His guidance, God promises the grace, courage, wisdom, and power needed to build our marriages.

If some years later, we second-guess the wisdom of our choice, God says, “Don’t look backward. The decision has been made. Look forward. Face the challenges head on. I’ll walk with you as you build this marriage. If it gets rough, seek help from friends. If you get stuck, see a counselor. But don’t waste time wondering if you missed your one and only. As far as I am concerned, you are married to your one and only. So get on with the task of making your marriage flourish. Turn to Me with humble hearts, and I’ll help you. I’ll give you wisdom and creativity. I’ll teach you to compromise. I’ll fill you with courage. I’ll give you the strength to persevere.”

Hmm, maybe Patrick and Camille should read “Fit to be Tied.” Anyway, I highly recommend these books to you. Even though it’s based on the experiences of American women, Dobson’s book, whether you’re a wife or a husband, will help you understand better what it is like being a woman. As the book says, “Women have needs which men don’t understand.”

I may not agree with all the practices and theology of Bill Hybels, but “Fit To Be Tied” is one of the best books I have ever read on relationships and marriage. Whenever I have a female friend or student contemplating marriage, I would challenge her to read “Fit To Be Tied” especially that part on how a guy engages in “shifting gears” after the wedding. (My favorite chapters of this book are “Getting Lost Along the Way,” “Living in Crisis Mode,” and “Whatever Happened To Romance?”)

Dobson’s book may be a little bit difficult to find in our bookstores here, although Rita, one of my former Advanced Composition students in Bible school told me that Praise House in Panay Avenue, Quezon City, has a lot of Dobson’s books.

You can easily find “Fit To Be Tied” in National Bookstore branches, or in Christian bookstores. Here in Metro Manila, you can go to Back to the Bible Bookstore in West Avenue, QC; PCBS in Cubao in front of Farmers Plaza; and CGM in 13th Avenue, Cubao, near Ali Mall. I think the OMF Lit bookstore is no longer in Boni Avenue, Mandaluyong. Christian Literature Crusade, the company which reprinted “Fit To be Tied,” has a bookstore, I think, in Karuhatan, Valenzuela.

Procedures in adoption

2007-11-09T01:19:00.009+08:00

(Note: Click the picture to download a free PDF newsletter on this topic.)

Posted below are links to several articles by Sandra Glahn on the issues of infertility and adoption. Sandra knows from personal experience how difficult infertility can be; she endured a decade of infertility treatment that included multiple pregnancy losses, three failed adoptions, and an ectopic pregnancy. She quotes Alice Domar, Ph.D., director of the Mind/Body Center for Women’s Health in Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center at Harvard Medical School: “The depression and anxiety experienced by infertile women are equivalent to that in women suffering from a terminal illness.”

Please read the complete article on adoption rules and procedures in my Legal Updates blog.